My Thoughts, Dreams and What People Think of Me Also Some Prayers And COMPLAINTS

March 15, 2019

So guys I am currently on my bed right now even if it's friday and we have a make up class you see I became like this because no one supervises me in the boardinghouse. I know that what I am doing is wrong and I am going to collect my retribution at the end of this school year. I know that and besides I am already regretting sverything but not fully because the impact is not here yet. So you see you can't force yourself even if you want to. As I said I have these anxieties with my classmates as if I would like for this reset itself to my senior high because I don't want to see this faces all of them I feel grateful but I don't appreciate this enough because I always feel intimidated by them. I am a hopeless person in terms of making friends and I think I'm happy with just one friend or two but I always ask infos. to them right but I feel that the information they tell me is lacking that's why I'm just going to ask questions when it's necessary I don't talk leisurely to them like others. I always skip classes since second semester because as you can see I was planning on taking the major courses on summer even if it can't be crammed I know that it will make me an irregular as long as I don't see their faces I okay with anything besides I already told it to my mother that I am going to fail this sem on purpose and you know what the reason is them as always another thing I hate that I always do is to blame to anyone my demise..........hahahaha sad isn't it but it's true...........You see I always blame everyone for my mistakes, my misfortunes but I know that I am the to blame for it. But it can't be helped  hecause another natural thing to humans is to save theirself nefore the others.........Betrayal is what we are talking about here right? So everything that is written here are related to that. Like how I am afraid to truth, or to just talk freely that is why I get this criticisms like (Andut di mo matapo tapos nahambal mo), (Hambala dako ka na), (Kay ada mag hambal daw lingin kaw), (ginakaon or ginalangud mo maghambal kaw), that are some of this but there are many like I can't say the words properly or I am off topic to what I really am trying to say...........and the worst case is they wont understand you it's not beating around the bush (gunalihis ko gid tana kung gusto ko hambalon) even when telling a story, explaining, saying things orally, or even joking. Yes the best example to that is joking it's like you are going to tell a joke and you can't form the words, It lost its  essence and its jot funny anymore that's it. This is another reason for my classmate  (Aleandra Drilon) to tell me I am crazy and weird because I she said always talk to air I always blurt what I am thinking and it's because I can't say it directly to the point to anyone so I will just say it outloud for anyone to hear. I wrote this before I said that minds are playing tricks on us so same goes with me am I crazy, stupid, weird and another thing she wouldn't recognize me as a nerd because nerds in her dictionary are smart people see what I mean people will always blurt out who you are to them *hey I have feelings to you know*she is clearly emphasizing that I am not smart. I am not on their level therefore I will not take any initiative to do work and let everything fall cause I don't care anymore........Now I know why people with boarding houses are skipping or abseint in classes because there is no one for then to tell anything but I am already regretting everything and I know that the final blow will come............

I will add what ny opinions on things happening here on earth again tonight or maybe later so this is it for now..........
I know that two of my subordinates in the lab hates me since I am so fucked up. The reason why I am like this is payback they ditched me first and they don't even need my help and besides I know that I'm going to fail this so why bother and I don't fucking care what happens. This is also one of the reasons why they don't want me in their group or they don't want me near them at all they just talk to me if they need something and after that get out my sight just like that..................I have problems I dont know if I'm mentally ill or something but I don't care anymore I did not chose to sign up for this they forced me so I will just go with the flow. I love school alright but I hate the people inside it all of them. They said that you can't love God if you don't love your neighbors so am I fit to God's follower let me know any comments if some one reads this...............

I can't face her (Kathleen Monroid), I know it I have a gut feeling that she will ignore me later and hate me perhaps she won't even let me on the activity later but still I will have to go now But I'm  scared. She asked me what's wrong with me I don't know I'm just down in the dunps lately my mind is spiraling into deep nothing, my mind is playing teicks on me...........