Not Giving Up

Chapter 16-Siblings Talk

Pidge showered, changed and was done a while ago. She knew she could go down and talk to her mom and Krolia but ultimately decided to simply lay on her bed and just try and sort out her weird life. James texted her while she was in the shower and was asking her how she was and when they could talk. But, back when her and Keith got together it seemed like it was meant to be. The transition from friends to girlfriend/boyfriend, simply just worked. But maybe that was just on her end? Obviously Keith had some issues so if that wasn't what it seemed, what else isn't? Could she really even trust her judgement? She really felt lost right now and every time she thought she made a decision something changed her mind. Finally giving in to her emotions, she let herself cry.

<Knock, Knock>

Pidge moans, and rolls over, pulling the blankets tighter. Maybe her mom will think she's sleeping. She hears the door creak open and feels a weight by her legs and reluctantly looks over, Matt. She half heartedly smiles and says, "Hey".

Matt scoots her over and lays next to her. "What's up Pidge? I heard you and lover boy are talking again."

She groans, "Yeah so? I heard all the boys were drinking together."

"Okay, soooooo, what is the deal? You forgive and forget yet?" <nudge, nudge>

"Ugh, I dunno. I mean, I've kinda HAVE liked Keith for ages. But I figured it was a just a hopeless crush and nothing would ever come of it. You know, just like liking a movie star. It's nice but you know nothing is ever going to come of it, so it's nice and safe. I swear it was like just a truth, we were friends, full stop."

"Except he must of liked you back. So what happened?"

I smile, getting comfy, reminiscing, "He was supposed to crash at Lance's but Lance had 'company'. Of course Lance said he could stay but, you know Keith, it just made him uncomfortable. So he grabbed his bag and walked over to my place. Of course, he just knew I'd be home and alone. But, really, I had just gotten back from one of the many crappy blind dates mom set me up on, so I was all dressed up. I had on this cute mint green halter dress, makeup on, (shut up Matt) and I even wore flats versus Converse. When I opened the door, I actually thought it was him. So, <chuckle>, I opened the door and said 'What the fuck! I told you, go home! I do NOT want you in my apartment, even vampires don't come in if not invited! I'm telling my mom...' then I noticed it was Keith frozen in the doorway and was like, 'Um, hey?'"

Matt smirks, "So I am guessing Keith got an invite in."

"Well duh. So he came in and then it was like, he really saw me. Like as a girl." I can feel myself blushing, damn.

Matt grins teasingly, "So you in a dress with hair curls and makeup made such a difference huh?? He had to be an idiot not to see you were growing up before that!"

"It's not like that Matt. I think... we kinda WERE circling around each other. I mean, on Atlas we were kept eating lunch together, planning missions and playing with Cosmo and Bae Bae. We hung out a lot! It was like we kept pulling each other in. But that night changed something between us. He got all red and then it was like what I said sunk in. He wanted to know who was bothering me, ya know. I told him it was just a guy from the Garrison that I went out with and he kinda looked shocked. I got annoyed, and said something like, yeah guys like me, but he said he could imagine. Then he grabbed my hand and ..."

"God, please spare me the tawdry details!"

I hit Matt, "Gross, first of all, why would you assume I'd tell you details?!? Secondly it wasn't like that. It's more like we just realized we both saw a little more of the other than before. And it was a mutual liking. It was like when you are working on a program and not getting anywhere, and you contemplate giving up but then suddenly it all clicks!"

I close my eyes now because I feel Iike I want to cry. Shit. Not again. I don't cry, especially not this much, after all it solves nothing. Then Matt grabs me and holds me and I just end up crying in his shirt. I literally feel like I'm ten again. After a while, I finally pull myself together. "Anyways, after that night we started to...date. After a week, I asked him, what we were doing. And he said, so calm like with a stupidly confused look on his face, I thought we were dating."

"What a Casanova."

I hit Matt again. "Whatever, the point is we really only dated a month exclusively. I must have scared him. You know how he is, so he did what he does best. He left on a mission. I felt hurt cuz he never talked about the situation before with me. But let's face it, I trusted him, so I backed his plan. I just hated his lack of communication. But I thought I understood it."

I pause, trying to articulate my thoughts and feelings, which is not always easy for me. Fortunately this was Matt and he knew to be quiet and let me work it out. "But all that shit happened and then Lance was including me in with his time with Veronica. Annnddd, then James started to pay attention to me. He can be pretty focused on his goal...he's actually pretty similar to Keith but yet not."

"Okay, so there's no law saying you did anything wrong. You know that right??"

"Yeah, but I still feel weird. Especially with Keith saying he never strayed. I kissed James. Or well more precisely, James kissed me. But I let him. And I liked it. And he truly wants to be with me. Then Keith is back. And NOW he is saying he loves (breath catching) me. So what do I do? I'm not some female fatale. I don't juggle guys. Matt, what do I do?" Not gonna lie I'm wailing now.

"Pidge, I wish I could waive a magic wand and sort this out for you but I can't, I can't tell you what to do. But you know. Who do you want? Honestly neither is good enough for you but, if you had to choose. Who would it be?"

I sigh, in my deepest heart, I still want Keith. But I hate looking stupid and that's what I would look like. I tell Matt this and he replies, "Pidge, you are far from stupid. Really far. But you need to consider, carefully. I like both of them, honestly, and while only you can make the choice, I need you to know, I support anything you decide. But secondly, you have to be honest with yourself. Don't pick someone cuz it's the easy choice to make. You know that it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks, just you. And you are not afraid of making the hard choices!!"

"I know. I just want to be sure."

"Yeah I get it. Look, mom invited Krolia over for dinner and it's almost time to head down. Why don't you take five and then come on down. And just remember, no matter what happens, I got you."

I smile, "I know Matt. Thanks, sometimes, I wonder why we keep ya around, but then stuff like this happens, and I remember."

Matt laughs, a big belly laugh, "Pidge, whatever do you mean!! I was lost and you freaking went out into space to get me back!!"

I smile and nod. Then he hugs me, like a real tight and safe, hug. Seriously the best brother!