My Happy Pill | yoonseok

The story behind [TW]

TRIGGER WARNING

I said earlier in the intro that there was a story behind this and that this was my way of venting out what happened to me, I had no one by my side through this because all of them were friends with him so why would I tell them what he was doing to me..?

I fell in love with this boy, it's been like? A year now since I broke up with him so I'm fine now but I wasn't back then.

I honestly thought that maybe he was different, but it turns out he wasn't, he would always blame it on how it was his first relationship but it doesn't make sense, if he didn't blame it on that, he blamed it on me.. it was always my fault.

He manipulated me later on in the relationship and I never noticed it, I never noticed anything he said or did because I was blinded, he used my suicidal thoughts, my self harm addiction against me whenever I wouldn't answer a question that he had asked. But I guess I never saw the warnings back then so I just kept on going as if it never happened.
The thing is he knew how depressed I was, how suicidal I was but he didn't do anything to help he just made it worse.

But that wasn't enough, I'm not that kind of person who feels the need to have sex all the fucking time but he did and never respected me, and I kept giving it to him because all I wanted to do was to please him and never myself because why would I?

One time I actually brought up the topic with him about how I don't feel like having sex because it makes me feel uncomfortable, he then told me that he can't be in a relationship if he can't have sex, he told me he had thought about cheating on me because I wouldn't have sex with him. So I gave in and we had sex that very same day because I couldn't handle breaking up over such a small thing. He had consent every time too, even though I never wanted it I just let him use me, I always said yes. I felt like a fucking toy, he kept hurting me even though I didn't like it, I let him do whatever he wanted to me because it made him happy..

And I kept going, kept trying to please him so that he wouldn't leave me like he kept saying he would do if I kept protesting, because I was scared, he was always upset with me and I tried so fucking hard to not do anything wrong but it seemed like I always did...
sometimes I wouldn't answer a question and he would just get so upset with me ??
Or whenever I tried to get his attention when I slept over, but no, I was too fucking clingy for his liking.

It was extremely toxic and I guess I noticed that at the end of our relationship, I just remember him telling me about how HE couldn't handle me being severely depressed so I broke up with him.
After breaking up with him I looked back at everything and finally noticed what was going on, so I became distant.
The thing is, we went to the same school.. so of course he noticed how I ignored him and he asked me why, I never replied so it got worse.. at some point he had enough and told me that I didn't deserve to be here, so.. I broke..

On April 19, 2018 I tried to kill myself and ended up in the hospital because I couldn't take it anymore, it's not the first time but hearing that just fucked me over. I didn't see any point to why I should be alive when no one would believe me if I told them what happened. No one actually cared enough to listen and stay by my side to just tell me that everything will be okay.. I fucking needed that but I had no one.

I've completely moved on from him but he's still a memory that I would like to erase forever if I could.

So I wrote this story to help me get my feelings out once and for all, because I had no other way to vent so I wrote a story based on it.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
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