Precious Self in the Storm • Seokjin [✔]

1 - The Letter

"Seokjin, if you keep this up you'll be useless to the group."

Jin, in the middle of getting back up, froze completely.

Him? Useless to the group?

"Y'know what? I think we've had enough for the day," said the dance instructor, motioning him to get up. "You can go home."

Jin only nodded stiffly before scrambling to get up. He took his bag and headed home.

*****

By April things just get worse for him.

It's just that everything around him felt like they've been placed on his shoulders and they're soheavy. The pressure of being an idol and an entertainer and a hyung has been taking such a toll that not even his strong mentality could hold back his darker thoughts.

Like, say, leaving Bangtan.

He really did try to push that thought away, really. But after so much he just couldn't anymore. His mental wall had been broken down little by little, in the way he's always lacking behind on choreography, to his vocals that just never sounded good enough, to seeing how his other members are out there releasing solo tracks and producing and working on their dance moves and he's just not good enough for any of those.

He's just not good enough, not good enough, not good-

Seokjin took a deep breath. He exhaled slowly.

He looked down from the mirror and to the sink, his hands clutched on it for support. The tap was still running with the sound of water falling down the drain. Seokjin had feared he'd have a full on break down if he was let alone in silence.

"Not now," he whispered. He can't have a break down right now. Not now where he's in one of the bathrooms of the dorm. Not now when Yoongi is in the next room composing beats and the maknae line on the other room playing Mario Kart. Not now when the walls suddenly feel too thin.

"Not now."

He'll be okay. He'll be okay. It's okay, he told himself.

With more willpower than necessary he turned off the tap water and dragged his feet back to his room.

That's when he decides to write a letter.

It's on a crinkled sheet of A4 paper that he had grabbed in a spur, written by some black ink pen he found under his bed. But the contents of it is a chain of words that he'll take to the grave. It's short and simple, yet within it he spills the impulsive thoughts guilty of haunting him lately;

Dear Bang Si Hyuk, Big Hit Entertaiment, and Bangtan Sonyeondan.

I would like to notify you that I am resigning from my position of vocalist and visual in BTS, as I no longer see myself fit for such a role.

It had been a life changing few years and I wouldn't be who I am now if it wasn't for this group. For long I've been trying to keep up with all of you, but I can never shake off the feeling that I'm dragging everyone down. I'm sorry, but I can only hope that you all understand why I chose to resign. ARMY will be sad, I'm sure. But they'll manage. If you have any intentions to replace me in the group, do it. You don't need my permission.

And as for my fellow members, please take care. I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to stay. Promise me you'll fly further than I ever will.

Sincerely,

Kim Seokjin

His hands felt numb by the time he finished. His fingers went limp and the pen he'd been holding fell and rolled back under the bed.

Why, exactly, did he write such a letter? He isn't too sure himself.

It's a way to escape, he supposes. A sliver of comfort in the form of a hand written formal letter.

If things get even worse, if things get too bad for him to handle, he'll just give up the letter to Bang PD. He has rights. He can leave if he wants to.

Yes. He can leave whenever. It's alright.

If things get too bad he'll just leave and it'll be okay. This isn't too bad; he can stay just a little longer. He'll hold on just a little longer.

*****

Even if he's not good enough – will never be good enough – he'll stay. Just a little longer.

*****

btw HUGE THANKS to AnyaSei and their amazing work, Love Me When I'm Gone (over on AO3) the fanfic that largely inspired me to write this! PLEASE, PLEASE CHECK OUT THAT FIC AS WELL!!