All or Nuffin. The sequel of If I have to.

Chapter 10

"So wait let me get this straight. What do you mean you're not coming! This is something that was out of our control."
Eli turned red as he tried to explain himself.

"Hang up Eli. Fuck them." I said stepping into my office.  People have been cutting ties left and right. The last thing we need is to hold on to lose strings.

Eli ended the call swiftly. "That's the fourth time this week." He said with frustration.

"Don't sweat it. Do we still have the Laurent family?" I asked.

" Yeah, they said that they aren't going anywhere. They  aren't cowards like some of these other guys." He said.

"Good, besides we got other shit to handle," I said.

"How's auntie Yo?"
Eli asked changing the topic completely.

I smiled at Eli's nickname for my mom. "I guess she fine enough. She hasn't called us in a month. The last time I heard her at all. It was when I called grandma for her birthday. My mom was in the background laughing. Grandma said she has some color back. That she's been able to finally keep her food down." I said flipping through a book.

"James you know how your mom is, she doesn't like showing weakness. She really reminds so much of Irina." Eli said sadly.

"Stubborn." I chuckled at their similarities.  "The both of them have always been stubborn."  Sadness beginning to lace my tone.

This week has been grueling. The only highlight was that phone call. Grandma making eighty is a goal. One that I want for my mom.  Yesterday we all went to Eli's parent's graves. For their yearly memorial.

My dad flew back immediately after.
This was the first time since they died that my mom wasn't there. So for the first time since we buried them; we cried. The last of the Gallo men. Keith, Eli, My dad and I cried.

The graves of Irina and grandpa are nesting next to my uncle and aunt. We shed tears that we held back for years. My dad the most. Clutching his chest and wheezing.

I grabbed his inhaler. Trying my best to calm him down. You would think that he was the sick one. Thirty pounds smaller than before. No time to workout let alone have an appetite.

The bags under his eyes resemble the ones he carries on and off the plane. I wanted to ask how was he doing. Yet his appearance always reflects. A tired husband who is still grieving his baby brother and only daughter. Who no longer gives a damn about a company that crossed him. Embarrassed that he let alone his sons can't find the culprit.

Unable to look at us for more than ten seconds. Shocked that his blood brought in this untraceable ghost. Blaming me the most; as silently as he could.

"So I did what you asked James," Eli said getting up. Breaking my train of thought.

"Huh?" I realize suddenly what he is referring to.

"It's not easy to do but we are getting there bro, just keep your head up," Eli said smiling slightly.

Handing me an envelope. "I'm all for family sticking together," he said. Locking the door behind him as he leaves.

Starring at the envelope I question should I open it.  Something in me refrained. So I took my envelope home with me.

Another restless night. Running as fast as the machine allows me. I used the treadmill to try to fight my insomnia.  Hopefully, this and a shower can buy me some hours of sleep. 

The time read three thirteen the only light in this dark room. Coming from my phone screen. Scrolling aimlessly and bored. My fingers make their way to my photo gallery.

Smiling at the picture that greets me. The day Morgan and I went to the beach.
Smiling brightly her eyes are closed. Sitting on the sand facing the waves.
The sun-kissed her skin all that day. As if the sun followed her every move.
Even the sun knows she's the best thing it's ever shone on.

Missing her is habitual and nearly impossible not to do. You don't have to see the sunset to know that it's dark now.
But who doesn't want to see the sun say goodbye?  All I replay in my head is how terrible I said goodbye.
Now it feels like  I can't see the sunrise. Not even in my dreams.

I sit up sighing slightly. Turning on my lights running my hands through my hair.
Looking at the envelope on my nightstand. I might as well open it.

Tearing it open pulling a letter from the envelope.

Good morning Mr. Gallo today I won't be upset with you. The day is far too pretty for that type of weight. Isn't it enough that I physically carry you within me? That you already left me or would you rather say that you gave me back? Either way, it's hurting me I'm sure more than anyone can see. The choice you made for us didn't include us. There I go doing the opposite. Getting upset when I said I wouldn't. Loving you when I said that I'd stop. Maybe that's why my belly is as flat. Not rounded nothing there to see. No one sees me like an open invitation to touch my bump. To ask questions or give shitty advice that I won't take. I can't help but think that you would somehow how prefer it that way.

YOU DO NOT KNOW ME you never have and you never will. I know that you prefer not knowing me. You took my advice right when I didn't want you to. You realize just how dangerous loving me is. So I'll apologize. Not for you or me.
I apologize to the person who is both you and I. The person to come has no clue of the mess we made. What will I do when I cannot tell you apart from the tiny human being. Who can I blame for all your characteristics being poured into their soul? God so help me if you selfishly share a face. Is it wrong for me to pray that they mirror my image? All so I don't have to see you. Masia tells me how I need to let go. She is only telling me to do what you did. Still, even to this very morning, she doesn't speak negatively of you. A part of me wished she would. That she and I would sit on the sofa and talk about how much I hate you. But we don't. She tells me to pray for you. To send you positive vibrations. That'll somehow heal my broken heart. No, it won't. Every time I try It fails. Truly I tried to forget you. I tried to forgive you. But I'm left back to square one; without you.

So should I kill you before their little eyes open? Say you died in this heroic battle. Save some grace with a beautifully crafted lie. This situation has never been fair and you know that. Not for you or me.

To see you treat me just like They did. To hurt me; to completely let me down. Damn James how can you just ignore how much that hurts me. I let my guard down while you loaded and took aim. You are just like your parents. Narcism runs in your blood. If I'm all the terrible things that people have said I am. Then surely you double that.

I hate to love you. I hate that you have made a sad stigma of me. Molded me into a lovesick cliche. Most of all I hate that you could walk into this room right now, and despite my anger, you'd still smile for me. As if nothing was wrong because at that moment nothing would be.

Forever yours, with aching hearts to prove it, Mory.

P.s I don't hate you nearly as much as I love you, take care of yourself you do that best.