Laying here my mind is at war. Once again I've been tossing and turning all night. Sleeping troubles isn't something that I'm unfamiliar with. Unfortunate but true.
So I sit up to fluff my pillows. Anything to comfort me at this moment. Of course, that fails leaving me more restless. Hands to my stomach I slowly began to rock myself.
Twelve forty-seven the clock across the room read. I fight my urge to get up but once again fail.
My feet quickly rushed me to the bathroom. Making it to the toilet just in time. For the past two weeks, my morning sickness has been maddening. Masia has been calling it Cinderella morning sickness. Or CMS as Chloe likes to says.
As soon as the clock strikes twelve. My stomach becomes a roller coaster without brakes; until sunrise. That's the only time I vomit. Somehow it is only in that time frame.
It's not as bad as in the beginning. When I was slipping into denial. Masia brought me to a doctor to cancel my doubts. Remembering how adamant she was that day. Opening curtains shining light to wake me up. Groans from my tired mouth expressed how I much rather stay in bed.
Unwaveringly Masia got me up for the day. Uneasy and a bit nervy we went to my appointment. After the first ultrasound. I came home and stared at the sonogram for hours. Proof I now have.
Although my body hasn't changed on the outside. I definitely feel a change happening. My Hormones are trying to control my new emotions. Which leaves me in an odd soul-stirring.
It's been surprisingly peaceful other than my routinely CMS. We decided to stay here for my pregnancy. I actually was relieved to not have to pick up and move. Amadeus welcomes us for as long as we need. Thankfully he is an affable person. Who's become a good friend to me.
The past few months have been smoother than I thought. Or honestly more than I expected to be. Feeling a bit more serene by the day.
In the morning when the sun is out and I'm no longer five feet away from a toilet. I go out to my balcony to meditate. That's how I start my day off. It's been effective, to say the least.
When I meditate it allows me to be honest with myself. Something I've grown to look forward to. Instead of applying harsh scrutiny against things I can't control. I allow myself to see that some things are better left alone.
I send out a frequency of sentiment to James. Hopefully, he's satisfied with the mess we made. Lately, I'm unable to be as hostile because of my new found peace.
Acknowledging that he knows was hard to accept. It tore my heart into its last shred. Which gave me the clarity I needed.
Realizing that he knows I'm pregnant and still didn't fight for me. It leaves me with a sour confirmation. He doesn't love me.
Eureka moment came to me and hasn't left since. If he wanted me I wouldn't be here. James would have made a plan. Tried harder for the person he loved. Find a way no matter what, but he didn't.
I don't hate him but he doesn't love me. Which is something my heart has to understand. My mind is starting to get the picture.
So In return, I never want to see his face outside of our child. I could only imagine what would happen if I saw him. I wouldn't kill him but I'd want him to break like my heart. Falling hard into shattered razor sharp pieces.
As morbid as that sounds. I think that's the reflex of my broken heart. To do what was done to me. This somehow has brought me ataraxy.
That and the advice from Masia. One day we were cooking dinner. She suggested that I do what she did to cope. Writing letters to the people who you know won't see them. Masia still refuses to let me read the other letters she wrote for me. The ones she never sent to me. She said that those aren't for me. That they were for her healing process.
Something about that concept intrigues me. Deciding to give it a try myself. At first, I was a bit apprehensive. Now it's apart of my healing process.
Dearest James,
You are the reason why I know amazing things can come from horrendous starts. The weight you placed on my mind is heavy; like my love. I hold it up for as long as I can but sometimes it's too strong. Maybe I'm not strong enough for you. Damn ya, mama might have been right. Loving you came with a cost. You left me with the bill. Now time is supposed to make the heart grow fonder. Instead, I've gotten colder at the thought of your touch. You can't understand how badly I wanted you. The one time I needed you to take charge you became a coward. FUCK YOU! I don't want to love someone who failed when I needed him most. Something heavier is replacing the love for you now. Something I have to realize is better without you. That'll start with me and within me. Here's to detoxifying the first love of my life.
Forever connected as one,
Yours Truly love Mory.
YOU ARE READING
All or Nuffin. The sequel of If I have to.
General Fiction"You better be ready when they come. You hear me? Because this here ain't no game. When your heart is at war with the brain. It can break you into two. Leave you crazier than before. When your body houses another. You better be ready to clean up af...
