All or Nuffin. The sequel of If I have to.

chapter 4

We walk in silence to Masia's and Chloe's room. Wearing soft smiles complimented by glossy eyes. Stopping a few feet from the door.

"This is your stop. Your room is just down the hall. I hope you like more balconies." He said with a boyish smile.

I nod my head and asked for the time.
We stayed out on the terrace for a while; longer than I expected.
Right when the stars began to shine, rain poured down. It brought us back into the glass room to finish our conversation.

Hearing how Amadeus and Masia met breaks my heart. Had they not met each other. Finding me would have been much harder.

Things have not been easy for Masia. I know that she spent so much time hiding in a different way. She had to maintain a low profile life just to stay alive.
I made a low profile life, just to feel alive.

"Your wasting it Morgan," Amadeus said.

"What?" I asked in confusion. Snapping out of my head.

"It's eleven eleven. You asked for the time; Make a wish." He said encouragingly.

"If only I believed in wishes," I said under my breath. Suddenly I regret asking for the time.

Amadeus doesn't see my mood swing as a sign. So his optimistic side continues.
"Well If you did believe, What would you wish for?" He asked Smiling because of his new loophole.

"Nothing because it's doesn't matter and wouldn't come true," I said a little annoyed.

"Come on Morgan, there's got to be something you'd wish for." He said still trying his best.

"Maybe I'd wish to be naive enough to think the shit would work. Then on days like this, I wouldn't feel so God damn helpless." I snapped.  Unexpected and for no good reason. 

Masia opens the door and raises an eyebrow. Clearly, she heard me.

"Good night Amadeus, Thank you for the tour." I move quickly into the room and close the door. Leaving my words the last in the hallway.

"Well, How was the tour?" Masia asked.

I roll my eyes remembering the last person who asked that. At this point, I'm kinda glad she didn't instead bring up my tantrum.

Leaning on the door. I take deep breaths and questioned if I'm being dramatic.
If I'm starting to unravel into melancholy. Tears swell up like an ocean in my eyes. Salty and fierce.

"Don't cry, Morgan. It's gonna get better I promise." Masia said pulling me in for a hug.

I sobbed knowing it wasn't. My heart is broken so maybe my body is copying that. It feels like I'm being punished for loving him. For living my life. Self-punishment.

Masia knows I'm heartbroken.
Masia knows she can't fix it. She's an amazing sister; who made the right choices. For me and her. Always, even when I didn't realize it.

"I'm sorry Sia. I began my apology. You worked so hard to find me. When they told you to give up you didn't. They thought I was dead. And yet you knew I wasn't. I am sorry that I didn't stay in Miami. I'm sorry you spent so much time looking for me. Only for me to run at the wrong time. If I had just stayed in Florida none of this would have happened. I got scared and thought that staying there was no better than ever leaving New Orleans. But had I held up for one more day? This would have been different and y'all would have gotten me sooner. Masia I'm so sorry you found me and lost me. I'm sorry I lost myself." I said crying softly.

I owe her honesty. Even if it hurts like it always seems to do. At least for me anyway.

She rocks me in her arms. "You
Have nothing to apologize for. I'm thankful that you went to California. It was smart and courageous. It saved your life. Morgan when I heard what happened back home. It was the scariest day of my life. Hearing about it was horrendous. They burned it down to crisp. Nothing was left." She sobbed.

Confessions continue to spill. As I apologize again.
"I'm sorry for burning down the place we called home," I told her.

"You burned it down?" She asked.

"The night you left was the last attempt. The last attack. It was around 2:30 I couldn't sleep per usual. So I made myself some tea. I keep getting the eeriest feeling. I went down the hallway and checked on mama. I stayed there for a moment. Heard voices of people who shouldn't have been there. Shots rang out not many like a warning almost. So I grabbed her gun. Kissed her forehead and unplug her machine. She died before my tea began to whistle as loudly as it could. Following a symphony of gunfire. Taking out the guards I assumed. I grabbed my bag from her closet. Took daddy's lighter from her nightstand. Wishing them Godspeed as I closed the door behind me. Everything I passed on my way out. I set flames to. Each memory good or bad. I said goodbye to. If they wanted to come over and cause havoc. This was gonna be the last time." I confess. Finally feeling relief for what I did. Feeling relief from the truth.

"Morgan you did everything you could. Which in the moment were all the right choices. Your strength is nothing to feel ashamed of. I couldn't have done that but, I'm glad you did." Masia said honestly.

We sit down and let the truth take up space. Hearing and Healing with each conversation.

Sighing deeply I grabbed Masia's hands. "Masia it's true." I tremble.

"It's true. I....I'm pregnant."  The truth takes away my energy. Draining me with each word.

Tears fall yet the room is silent. "I'm sorry," I said once again after what feels like an eternity.

"I don't want you to apologize." Masia began "I want you to STOP feeling sorry for yourself. There is no reason to apologize. Not one! Y'all have been blessed. How could you feel sorry for that? Despite the situation. A blessing is what we're dealing with." Wiping away her tears and mine. She continues.

"Stop apologizing you aren't walking shame. You have strength beyond what you feel right now." She encourages.

"I'm scared Sia" I whispered.  I'm terrified to be exact. This is all so unexpected. I feel like I can't do this.

"Scared but Strong," she said.
"We will figure it all out. I promise. Right now is the scariest part of it all. We gonna take it a day at a time. All those questions buzzing in your head. Get rid of them. Y'all don't need them."
She said getting up going to the closet.

I stayed there for a moment. Thinking about everything she said. Thankful for her love and patience.

She returned and sat next to me on the bed. "I believed him right away." She said.

I lift my head up. She gives a soft smile.
This is the first time she's brought him up. Other than mentioning when we left him.

"You won't go through this alone," Masia said. 

"Thanks, I know I have you and Chloe," I said.

She smiled and gazed at the photo in her hands.  "Not just us."
Smiling proudly "I took this one; I    learned from the best."

She handed it to me. A beautiful crisp photo clear as day. One of our parents. My mama smiles at daddy as he holds her pregnant belly. As always their eyes are locked on each other.

I turned it around and read the back.

To the little blessing to come.
With all the love of the universe.
- Your Family, Our Everything.