Love is greater than our cause

Chapter 43: Lost

It's my birthday today!!! To celebrate I'm posting this chapter (even though it's actually really sad) ooo I just realised I should probably write a birthday one shot for tomorrow too! Imma do that now :)

1943

Albus POV:

I felt awful. I felt completely and utterly awful. How could I just...let them all die? It was estimated 200 people died in that fight...1,000 injured and hospitalised. How can I live with myself? All because I'm a selfish coward, I don't think I'll ever be able to look at myself the same way ever again. Have I not learned from my mistakes? Have I not learned that people die because of my mistakes? I made the exact same choice and Ariana died because of it. Since then thousands have died because I let him go, I could have killed him all those years ago and they'd all be alive. Everyone. There was no excuse, I should have gone and I should have ended it last night. But instead I kept away. Tears threatened to spill from my eyes so I stopped thinking about it, pushing it to the back of my mind like everything else. That's it, next time, I'm going. Not that that makes it any better but it means it can't get worse. Dippet was isolating me from everything, whenever we met in the corridors he looked the other way. It was like that with most of them now. I wasn't invited to any teaching meetings unless they were too important and I felt more alone than ever, even though I had Mcgonagall.
'Stop it James!' I heard a shout which surprisingly managed to catch my attention whilst I was lost in my deep thought. The 4 trouble makers were in sight, standing near a tree whilst lots of people surrounded them laughing. As I got closer to see what was happening, I noticed a rather mischievous smirk on James' face as he had his wand raised, his friends cheering him on. I looked up a little to see he was levitating poor Severus, clearly against his will as he was trying to get himself down. Lily stood between the two, protesting that James stop. 'James, this is childish.' She argued.
'Well Snivellous should learn to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business!' He cheered, watching Severus pointlessly attempt to lower himself.
'He's my friend!' She was started to get rather mad now and I was making my way over to stop it.
'Think he has more than friends in mind.' James grimaced, clearly jealous.
Lily looked less confident, 'regardless, put my friend down.'
Seeing that Lily was serious, James lowered Severus slowly to the ground and backed away. As they spotted me, the crowd dispersed to avoid getting told off.
'What is going on here?' I asked, pushing my feelings away to deal with my teaching duties.
They were all silent until James finally spoke up, 'I'm sorry professor, I won't do it again.' I nodded, deciding not to punish him since no one was hurt. The 4 troubles left leaving me Lily and Severus.
'Severus, are you alright?' Lily asked, pulling him into a hug.
Taken aback he hugged her too, 'Yeh...thanks for standing up for me.'
Lily smiled and held his hand, 'of course, you're my best friend,'
She dragged him off, looking gleeful whilst he looked like he'd been crushed. I noticed Tom watching from a distance, looking thoughtful. I decided to think nothing of it before I went back to my office.
My desk was piled with Owls I had delayed opening and the room a mess of various things. I sat down in my chair and started on some marking, distracting myself, again, with work. I spent the whole day like that since I didn't have any classes, it was a weekend day. I went to reach for the next test only to find I had finished my entire pile of marking...I had finished every piece of work I had. That rarely happens...how long have I been here? I turned around to see the blended sunset sky. I sighed, heading to my room.
Once I got in I knew tonight was going to be a rough one, I was just so stricken with grief and regret that I felt like I was years ago. I thought I'd managed to control my emotions about my past better but with all this new regret I have to control, I don't know if I'll be able to harness it all. Actually, I did know, I very much knew that I wouldn't be able to. My tearful eyes looked towards the pendant, I know I've tried this before but.....
I strode over to it, anger taking control of my body as I grabbed it and chucked it across the room. When I picked it up, not a scratch. Rage echoed through the beat of my heart as I screamed and threw it again. Taking it and trying to break it in half with my hands. It was pointless but I didn't care. Frustration made me helpless as I threw it time and time again against the wall. Tears now streaming down my face as I collapsed onto the floor, I felt faint and dizzy with fatigue as I kept pulling at the blood pact. Banging it on the floor I sobbed, creating dents on the wooden slats as the unbreakable metal knocked into it. I was too desperate. Getting up too quickly, my head spinning, I left my room, knowing my destination.
Once in the room of requirement, I saw my target. The mirror. That wonderful, beautiful, shining, hope filled, lying mirror. The blood pact tightly clenched in my fist as I slowly walked over to it. My mind and body were screaming at me to smash it, to take this stupid little necklace and smash the mirror to pieces. I raised my hand, fully ready to do it, to put an end to this stupid obsession of watching me and Gellert over and over again. My hand sped towards the glass, getting closer and closer before I froze. My heart begging me to stop, throbbing with pain as I thought of the unbearable consequence of me not being able to see him how he was ever again. My already blotchy face worsened as more tears stained my cheeks and I ended up on my knees. Sobs escaped my throats as I let the blood pact fall out of my hands. Looking into the mirror, there he was. It was him but it was like he could see me, but really see me. His eyes seemed to understand the pain and hurt I was feeling and he held out a hand, pressing it against the glass as if it was on his side. I put my hand to his, only worsening my state as I just cried and cried and cried because there wasn't nothing else I could do anymore. I can't do anything, I'm lost.

Awww Albus honey