Naked Came the Vampire (Hypernaturals 1)

Don't Make Me F**k the Cook

Our 'noise reels' came to us in a tiny package a week after Helen planted the bugs. They were consolidated on a little solid state memory chip and sorted by a bug number and a date. We had an index that said bug number three is in the kitchen, bug four in the living room, bug five in the bathroom and so on. In early voting bug number five is everyone's least favorite although at least we know that Arnold takes a shower every day. He may be a creep, but at least he is a clean one.

It takes an amazing amount of time to listen to these things. There is a reason why we did not find bugs in my place or on the boat. Arnold would never have the time. Bugs are a pain in the ass. Amazingly boring.

It took two-and-a-half days to work our way through the recordings. My household met on the evening of the third to discuss what we heard. I cooked: The least I could do. 

Before we started I looked around outside to make sure we were not being spied on from afar.

Lori wiggled a finger in her ear and started "I am a nurse, and I have to say that if I never hear another human being pass gas, it will be too soon. I have no idea what this guy eats, but it can't be good for him."

Danny chimed in brightly "Would it break cover too much to anonymously send him a case of Bean-O?"

I shook my head 'no'. "I wish."

"I supposed killing is out too?" Danny asked, not seriously.

I thought to myself 'If it was in, we would not be doing this and you guys would have never known about any of it.'

Lori told Danny: "There are all sorts of ways to kill someone that can't be traced and are not violent. I'd be glad to do some research and get back on that."

I had to smile."One week of listening to the personal details of one mans life, and we are reverting to cavemen."

Danny disagreed "I wanted the guy dead before all this, because of what he did to you, and the invisible-but-present Jessica." He glanced at the empty place setting. The Negra Modelo bottle sat at its designated place at the table. Danny continued "Killing him would be evolution in action. Cleaning up the gene pool. Putting an animal in misery to a merciful end."

Even though we were not being serious, I had to dissent. "I do not think I could kill a person, not even Arnold Romney, not even after all the things he has done to me and is doing to me. Sorely tempting as it is. I wish I could, but I could not live with myself after. Besides, there is the issue of killing an officer of the law. You really don't want the entire police force coming after you even if they secretly agreed and thought that offing Arnold should have been done ages ago. However we get rid of Arnold, it has to be in such a way that the county PD does not start a manhunt. Worse, if they hired Morgan Olsen to figure it out. We'd be dead meat."

"Morgan works for your brother: would she take a cop gig?" Danny asked.

"Morgan is like Don. If they think the case is righteous, they take it." I said. "Also, Morgan used to BE a cop, so she'd really want a cop killer brought down."

"Yeah: never mind." Danny said. "After listening to these bugs, Arnold doesn't scare me, but Don says about Morgan? Nope. No way."

Lori spoke around chewing a bite of organic grass-fed hamburger, cooked between medium and medium rare. "They'd only go looking if they thought it was foul play. Finding this guy dead with untraceable poison would probably just be attributed to natural causes."

Danny said "Dudette: I had no idea you were this bloodthirsty. It's so... sexy. Civilization really is just a veneer."

Lori just stuck out her tongue.