𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟.. 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞, 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟.

𝟏𝟒𝐭𝐡

entry
2:37 AM
may 30, 2019

hi it's me, it's just me. it has been a few hours since my birthday ended. my birth, the day i was born 14 years ago. living for 14 years, i must say nothing much has changed yet there had been a lot that did.

it felt like that. it felt complicated. living felt like it.

one time i was wailing because of a leg bruise and the other i was seated on the ferris wheel with different people. different people i knew at some point, and different people who played a part in my life.

i thought about those times, wistful as to how i hoped to come back and experience it over and over again.

living was something limited, it wasn't going to last for a lifetime. it begins and ends at points in time.

i tried hard before, i laughed before, i was touched before, i was mad before. i did all kinds of things for events that miraculously happened in my so-called life.

it's both a miracle and a mirage that i got to breathe, i got to eat, i got to love, and i got to live. just to explore the planet i was born in.

it really is complicated to live after a thousand years from this planet. it is now controlled by higher-ups. it has rules. it has obligations and such.

but before? it was just living. it was a natural beginning, of life.

where anyone had freedom and peace for themselves. happiness was devouring them.

but something else devoured them as well after time passed.

there were greed and selfishness. there was negativity. the opposite as well as the dark aspect.

the planet turns along with the negativeness.

even though it can be bad. it already happened. there wasn't anything else.

because along with negativity, there is always the bright side, the positivity. opposites attract and balance.

so we continue. we continue to live. very complicatedly. yet content with it.

each memory i thought of was a page in my life book. my mind scolds, and my heart comforts. thus, these two are a combination as well as a weapon we use.

i wanted to be a bird before you know. because i thought they could just fly anywhere around the world. they could experience the windy breeze anytime they want. they were free.

but then i realized, they were living too. they had hard times too. they hunt for food for themselves or for their loved ones. they get hunted. they are caged. they can die from air pollution. they can die too.

they can perish too.

anyone else will always have a hard time. and in each time we do, we have different levels of tolerance, and different methods on dealing with it.

methods such as calming, solitude, deep conversations.

but other methods like self-harm, violence, drugs and suicide.

different. very different.

same purpose yet so distinctive methods.

life is filled with diversities.

complications and bad times.

so we continue to deal with it, run away from it, or ignore it.

we have diverse decisions and roles.

for 14 years, i learned these complex things. and i was eager to learn more.

beautiful, it was something i simply wanted to describe them about.

everything about life i experienced was beautiful.

even when it was hard. experience is something that makes you learn about beauteous days that came.

each one having moments happening.

i wished.

i wish to uphold this in my mind. life was so much like a film. and you're the lead of your own movie.

i cherished those. but then i was also blinded by unfavorable things.

after years and years, i still am living. i never knew it was that special.

i never knew what luck was about until i saw unluckiness from people's eyes.

it was terrifying. i was terrifying. i always thought i didn't deserve anything, even until now.

sometimes greed overtook me. but sometimes i was overwhelmed because of everything. anything.

it has been 14 years since i came to life. for myself, i would try.

i'd try things that could make me end my life happily.

at the same time, i'll always look back. as i walk on a path, i'll always look back to where i had been. and where i grew.

i'll strive forward, but i'll still reminisce memories that were stamped by my memory. i'm grateful that is.

here i am now. in the current place, with a reverie dancing in my mind.

surroundings calming me. i can still see life ahead of me. so i'll keep walking.

this has been me. and i'll go now.

entry end.