In This Lifetime

3. So Young

I woke up in a groggy state.

I sat up and looked around.

It wasn't a dream.

I was really reborn.

I looked at the clock at my bedside. 5:30 A.M.

It was still early so none of my family members should be awake right now. I must've fallen asleep last night without even realizing.

Replaying last night's conversations with Perverted Lao in my head I realized I need to figure out how to bring Lianlian happiness. For now, that would be my priority and I would figure out the other reasons I was given a second chance later.

I got out of bed and walked to my mirror.

I gasped at my reflection.

I looked so..so..

YOUNG!

When I died I was only 30 years old. Although I was still relatively young I did not age well. Thinking about my previous life Yue Lao was right, I was a fool. Queen of the fools.

I barely finished high school and dropped out of college because I got knocked up. I begged him to stay with me so we could raise the baby together. I don't know why I didn't realize it then, the distaste in his eyes and the detachment in his body language.

With neither of our parents' approval, we got married. He was still finishing his last year at uni while I worked odd jobs to save up money for the baby.

I worked at a coffee shop and waitressed every other day while also working late nights at the convenience store. I remember barely getting more than 3 hours of sleep a night. We didn't have much money left over after paying rent for our one-room apartment and utilities so I lived off of leftovers from the restaurant I worked at or cup ramen.

I should've taken better care of myself at that time. If I did it wouldn't have happened. I wouldn't have miscarried.

I was devasted after losing our baby. I didn't leave the house for weeks. After we started dating I spend all my time with him so had no friends to rely on. My parents and older brothers were disappointed I stayed with him. They repeatedly told me I was too good for him and that he didn't love me, but I didn't listen. Because of that, I cut them out of my life. The only one I had was Lianlian.

She went to doctor visits with me when he wouldn't. When I found out I lost the baby she hugged me for hours while I cried. She secretly brought me food mom cooked without her knowing. She was the one who let me rant whenever I got into arguments with him.

Lianlian was always there for me, so much more than I was for her.

The girl standing in front of the mirror was a much younger Chen Xiaofan. I couldn't be any more than 16 right now. Teenage Xiaofan was fair skinned with long hair and rosy cheeks.

I felt my hands, face, and arms. Everything was so soft. 13 years I spent working odd jobs and taking care of my husband left me with thinning hair, coarse hands, wrinkles, and an aching back.

I went to check my calendar. September 1st, 2009.

Today would be the first-day Lianlian and I started Senior secondary school.

Although we were fraternal twins we looked eerily similar. Even our parents confused us sometimes.

Even though we looked so similar, our personality were polar opposites. I don't know how our parents knew, but our names matched us perfectly.

Xiaolian was beautiful like a little lotus and so kind living up to being a little compassionate one. She was bright, kind and smart.

Me being Xiaofan, on the other hand, was simply a little ordinary. I wasn't super pretty or super ugly, I just was. When it came to academics I was never first of my class, but also never last. I was just somewhere in the middle.

When Xiaolian and I were together people would always be more attracted to her. She was like a magnet that just had this ability to pull people in.

I'm not going to deny it. I was jealous of her. She was prettier, smarter and more loved by everyone compared to me, especially our parents. But how could they not? She was the baby of the family and oh so lovable.

Because Xiaolian was so much more than me I tried to compensate by being the silly one. Xiaolian's smile could brighten up anyone's days so I tried hard to make jokes to brighten up anyone's days.

That's how I made him laugh.

Jiu Feng.

My first love. My husband. The man I swore I would do anything for. The one who leads to my demise. My biggest regret.

Not this time though. I would no longer try to take the spotlight away from Lianlian. I would no longer force myself to be comical for the pleasure of others.

I spent my school days fooling around half the time. I barely made it into Shanghai University. Lianlian, on the other hand, could've gone to any prestigious school of her choosing but chose to stay close to home and I so attended Shanghai University too.

Lianlian and I were never in the same class. We were placed according to exam scores. Of course, Lianlian was always top of her class.

I decided this time around I would have to make it into the same class as Lianlian. I couldn't help her if I wasn't close to her.

I knew Lianlian and I would be separated this school term so I could only work hard to be closer to her. I also wouldn't let her settle for less. She went to Shanghai Uni because of me. I would have to study harder to get into any prestigious school of her choosing.

This time I definitely wouldn't ignore Xiaolian's happiness!

As if on cue, "Jiejie! It's time to get up!" I heard Lianlian scream from down the hall before busting my door open.

"Oh, you're already up? Did the sun rise from the west today?" She joked giving me one of her iconic smiles.

I missed her.

Oh, how I missed her.

My body acted before my mind and before I knew it tears were streaming down my face and my arms were wrapped tightly around her shoulders.

"Jiejie, what's wrong??" She said confusion and worry written over her face.

I pulled back and looked at her.

More determined than ever, never again would I cause my beautiful lotus pain.