I once loved a nobody.

chapter 5- Festivals End, Too.

It was 17th of March, 2014, and everything was numb and dumb in my mind. I could only think of going to a new place with new people and new atmosphere in two days. I could sense my childhood ending and hiding in a box forever. The festival of Holi was the next day and I wanted it to be the best Holi of my life because after it, I didn't know where I will be next. I had to pack a lot of things for my hostel. New uniform had to be purchased. A lot of things had to be thought over. Arrangements for Holi had to be made. Sweets and colors and clothes and gifts had to still be bought. The whole day went in shopping and arranging things for the special celebration of the festival. The children in the colony were happy. The mothers were tired of working day in and day out. The males of the colony made plans to meet over liquor. Everything was so happy. I had a lot of work to do but could not get out one thought of my mind. "How is Raj going to be when I go?" "Will he miss me? Oh God, make him to dream the same dream I dreamt. Make him to love me and hold me as he did in the dream. Let it not end with the end of the night. Let it live." I spoke to myself.

Arrangements had been made and finally it was the day of the festival. Everybody wore dirty or old clothes as the festival demands to color each other in different colors which are difficult to remove. I wanted to be the first one to color Raj that day, I wanted to color him blue. I got out of my house with a lot of colors in my hands and pockets and without thinking about anything else, I went straight to his house and opened up the gate and shouted out his name demanding him to come out. With everyone coming out of their houses to play Holi, Raj came out of his house too. Everybody came towards him to color him but I had to color him in my shade and before anybody else could. He came out of his house and without looking anywhere else I went towards him with blue color in both my hands. I reached him and let out a sigh of relief and before I could color him, he painted my face with the yellow color he had. Next I remember to have touched his face and colored him blue. With my hands touching his forehead first and moving towards his cheeks and slightly teasing his nose, I went towards his neck and then I let him go. He was all blue and was looking at me. Staring into each other's eyes I felt his hands in my hair and onto my cheeks and going towards my neck and then pulling apart, colouring me yellow. This was the perfect beginning to my festival and I never wanted it to end. I could feel every cell of my body want him more. My eyes started to water at the thought of letting him go away and me away from him somewhere alone forever. Everyone saw what happened. Rohan could make out how sensual the act was. The moment was such that nobody could keep away from understanding what my eyes showed. In the matter of a few seconds, everybody knew how I felt. Everybody, but him.

Rohan looked down when he saw me look at him. Harshita looked at me without any reaction. All my friends knew now how I felt for him. The only person whom I wished to know it, didn't get it yet. My heart kept on skipping every beat. For the entire festive ceremony, my eyes were watering and I felt as if I had been drugged. Rohan came to me to calm me down and he stayed with me till the end. I was so in love with Raj. I wanted him to know that. After all the fun ended, everybody went home to freshen up and thought to meet in the evening. I had to tell everyone that I would leave the city in the morning and that I do not know if I would ever be back. It was a sudden and surprising way to let everybody know things.

We all met in the evening and I told everybody about it all. "And you are telling us this today? You didn't even think of telling this to me? I thought I was your best friend! How could you leave me like that? Nobody understands me better than you do. What will I do without you?" Rohan shouted at me and showed me how angry he was with what I did. "I wish I could tell you how sad and unhappy I am right now, Rohan," I replied in a low tone. Everybody around was discussing this and I was so unhappy to have made this decision.

Like every other day, Raj came out late and did not know what had been talked about. He kept on asking what happened and nobody was in a position to tell him what had happened. Rohan looked at me in a way as if ordering me to tell Raj what happened and about how I felt. Rohan was talking to me without uttering any word. He wanted me to tell raj everything. And to his orders, I did exactly as he told me to.

"Will anyone tell me what is going on? How many more times do I need to ask you guys?" Raj questioned again. I went closer to him and held his hand. I held it so firm as If I would not let it go forever. I wished, at that point of time, to own that hand for myself and to make it a part of me. He looked at me and into the eye. That eye contact was the most I could want then. "I have to go. I have to leave here, and go to a hostel in Himachal Pradesh," I spoke. "When do you leave?"with a watery shine in his eyes he asked me. "Tomorrow morning," I replied with words spilling out of my lips as if water falling from a broken glass. "Oh, okay! So why are you here anyway? Just go. You would have to pack up things. Why don't you just leave? I don't wish to talk any further," he spoke in a shivering tone. His eyes were watering. He was holding back. He told me to leave but he didn't let go of my hand. He looked straight into my eyes and asked me,"why?" in a low and sad tone.

Almost into tears, I wasn't able to speak. Rather than protesting to what he said, I left his hand and went near to him and hugged him hard enough to let go. I hugged him as if he was my only. I closed my eyes and spoke in his ear,"I love you. Don't hate me for it, I had to let you know before I went. I love you Raj." "Bye."

I pulled apart and he didn't speak a word but had tears in his eyes. He kept standing the way he was. He didn't move. He didn't say a word. He didn't stop me and I went back to my house. The night ended. The festival ended, too.