They had timed their return fairly well so as to arrive at home the same day they departed. To an outsider, it would be like they never left.
Perhaps Jungkook’s parents wondered how their normally quiet and obedient son had gone to work as usual and come back having somehow sprouted a backbone. When some relatives showed up that evening, ready to leech off the bunny family for yet another free dinner, unwilling to get lost even though Jungkook’s mom was clearly suffering from migraine, Jungkook had very calmly and coolly slammed the door in their faces.
Or perhaps they didn’t wonder, too exhausted by their day jobs to care.
Perhaps Jungkook’s younger siblings wondered why their favorite big brother had foregone his routine videogame session that night and instead opted to teach them to skateboard in the front yard. Perhaps they wondered when in the world he had mastered those crazy stunts they had never even heard of.
Or perhaps they didn’t wonder. Their big brother had always been magical in their eyes.
It was just an ordinary day as far as Jungkook’s family were concerned. They went to work, went to school, had dinner, washed dishes.
And while all this was happening, Jungkook went through intense love and intense hate and intense thrills and intense joy. Euphoria.
The thing about euphoria was that, usually, it didn’t last forever. The moment would arrive when it all came crashing down.
The moment was now, and as Jungkook sat perched on the bed that he had missed so desperately, in the room that he had missed so desperately, listening to the snores of the people he had missed so desperately coming through the flimsy walls that he had also missed so desperately, there was nothing he wanted more than to go back, back to Blue Side, back to the unforgiving world where danger lurked at every corner and the air smelled of ashes and decay. Back to the city that hated his guts and wanted to kill him, but also taught him how to live and love.
**********
The worst part was that none of them blamed him, Jungkook thought. He was hypnotized, he couldn’t have known, they said. They held him as he puked into a washbasin and rubbed his back until he stopped shuddering. They showered him with gentle words and were always sneaking glances at his red-rimmed eyes with sympathy. Kookie has it the hardest, they always said. Kookie has it the hardest because unlike the rest of us he still lives with his family and has to pretend everything is fine, while we have the freedom to break down in solitude.
It made Jungkook want to snort. Oh please, who did they think they were fooling?
Jungkook had it the hardest because he was the one who plunged the knife into Jin.
Jungkook had it the hardest because it was all his fucking fault.
**********
Being the youngest of the group had its perks sometimes. He had to set an example for no one. He had to put on a brave face for no one. If he didn’t feel like laughing, no one would force him to.
The others all laughed, at least tried to. Jimin was the worst out of them all. Seeing his rosy cheeks and crescent eyes made Jungkook clench his fists so hard blood seeped out. Because it was only too easy to tell Jimin’s real laughs from his fake ones and it hurt to see Jimin being so fake when he was the most genuine person Jungkook knew.
