Mystery/Thriller 3rd Place Winner-NoNameIsWorkin

13 4 3

by afragileheartforever

by afragileheartforever

NoNameIsWorkin - Legacy

Title - 4/5

It's an interesting title that draws me to the book, but it isn't very original. It's not the first story that pops up when you search the title, so I'm afraid I had to take off for that.

Description/Blurb - 8.5/10

I'm a little confused. It's an interesting concept, and I really like the end. How do they go from a video to a riddle? It'd be nice if you explained that video a bit more.

Your description is minimalistic. However, it's interesting and draws me in. Besides one slight comma issue in the second paragraph, you've done a very good job.

Cover - 3/5

It's an interesting cover, but it's too dark. I can hardly see the guy at all. While the subtitle, title, and author are important to see on the cover, none are as important as the picture. The picture needs to reflect the story and have a title that mimics it, but yours isn't like that. In the future, I suggest focusing more on the picture and less on everything else.

Plot - 13/20

While I understand the concept, there were a few parts of the plot that didn't make sense, specifically the foundation of the plot. When Dylan died, they would've notified his guardians immediately. If he had his ID on him, they probably wouldn't have asked for them to identify the body or anything, but they would've had to sign papers about what to do with his body. They didn't tell Emily or Anthony about his death, which sucks. However, they would've been required to pick up his ashes. The police wouldn't know who Emily or Anthony are because they weren't his guardians, and even if they did know who they were, they wouldn't know their location. Therefore, it's highly unlikely that the police would ask his siblings to pick up his ashes. Their aunt and uncle would've been required to pick them up.

There were some very minor things that didn't make sense, like how Chester knew where to find everyone and how Dylan assumed everyone would make it to his "memorial," but the big one was the one I mentioned above. With the location and attendance to the memorial plot points, you can add in the video how Dylan figured that stuff out. As for the ashes issue, I honestly suggest that you rewrite that part. While it sets up the plot, it isn't important after that, so you can think of another way to have Emily and Anthony find out about Dylan's death.

Characterization - 17.5/20

You actually did a really good job with characterization. It's interesting that this story is in third person omniscient. You should state it at the beginning of the book because it threw me off when it switched from Emily's POV to Anthony's POV, but I really liked the insight on all of the characters. It made me feel for them some more.

Since Dylan is "dead" (I highly doubt he actually is), there's no way it can be in his POV in the first chapter. I'm guessing this means he's still alive, which may be a big reveal later on, but it ruins the big plot twist. I just feel that it'd be better for the story if you got rid of the parts in his POV.

I'm a little confused as to why Dylan blames everything on Emily and Anthony. While he has reason to hate them, he should be blaming his dad for starting it all. He has no reason to blame everything on them. He can put a big amount of the blame on them and target his rage towards them, but he shouldn't blame them for everything.

Creativity/Originality - 7/10

I've never read a story exactly like this, but this story reminds me of stories like 13 Reasons Why to make the people feel bad after someone's suicide. While I'm sure it's very original after the first five chapters, I'm afraid that this book isn't completely original. I won't read any further, but I'm hoping that you have more plot twists in the future.

Spelling & Grammar - 11/15

I found some grammar errors, but most errors I saw were punctuation errors. They were very minor, but you had the same mistakes over and over again. For example, you used several semicolons, but none of them were used correctly. Using a program like Grammarly.com helps sort out these errors and prevents you from making those mistakes in the future.

Enjoyability - 4/5

It's an interesting book, just not my cup of tea. I prefer books that don't have as much pressure on the characters as yours does. That being said, it was nice for the first five chapters.

Literary Devices - 5/5

This story is very agitated because of the subject matter, so I'm sure it's hard to include literary devices in this story, but I really liked the use of literary devices in the diary chapters. They were really nice to read and show into Dylan's soul.

Descriptions - 3/5

You described the people pretty well, but I wish you'd described their surroundings more. For example, rather than saying the things in the house, it'd be nice if you'd actually described the colors, the feel it gives, things like that.

Total - 76/100