General Fiction Finalist-morticia88

11 5 0

by afragileheartforever

by afragileheartforever

morticia88- The Dark Angel of Alcatraz

Title (5): 5

The title instantly tells me a little bit about the story. Alcatraz is a very recognizable name. It fits the story very well. Just for you to consider: my first thought when reading the title was that this book would be a paranormal/fantasy (because of the word angel).

Blurb (10): 6

Although intriguing (and it really is intriguing), this blurb is very much on the short side. This means that the little sneak peek we got into the story, is likely not quite enough to really draw the reader in. Use the blurb as a hook; this is the bit where you have to convince the reader to open your book. I would usually suggest to include some information on: the main character, the setting, the MC's goals, and the conflict (what prevents the MC from reaching their goals?). Oh, and start with a hooking first sentence. Nearly all MCs nowadays "have not had an easy life", so this isn't very hooking anymore.

Cover (5): 3

The picture on the cover is dark, which fits with the story very well. The wall and the angel-wings are clear hints as to what the story is about (although, again, the wings made me think of a paranormal!). However, the cover is missing the author's name, and the font for the title too simple. I think you can spice the cover up a bit, to really draw the reader's attention.

Plot (20): 15

Overall, the plot came along steadily, with every chapter further the plot. However, the were things along the way that just confused me. Here's a good example: The scene with Jonathon dying felt a bit strange to me. First it was the fact that Brian apparently came to sleep there, only to murder Elizabeth in the morning (why not do it immediately?). Then it was Jonathon deciding to rape her hours before having her killed. And then it was how Brian accidentally killed Jonathon instead, that just didn't seem very believable to me. It's too big a mistake for a hitman. He knew Jonathon was in the house, after all. And then the chloroform... How is he going to explain that to the police? Who has chloroform lying around in their cupboards? I also don't quite understand why she was already in forced therapy before all of this happened.

Characterization (20): 19

Your characterization is absolutely brilliant and definitely the strongest point of your story. All the internal thought and amazing descriptions of the characters' feelings truly bring them to life. I did have a slight problem with the dialogue, though. It often sounded too much like narration; it was very long (uninterrupted by any actions or the other person talking), included all the senses (sight, smell, touch, all of it), and often even had literary devices in it. This made the dialogue seem less realistic.

Creativity/originality (10): 10

I don't think I've ever read a story like this before. It is very original, with unique characters and free of clichés.

Spelling/Grammar (15): 11

Although spelling was nearly always on point, there were some grammar issues. Punctuation was quite often a bit off. I noticed one of your readers point this out, too, so you know where to look. I also found a lot of the sentences, especially in dialogue, to be run-on. Shorter sentences make much more impact and are easier to follow.

Enjoyability (5): 5

Definitely hooking. Elizabeth is an intriguing character with an extensive background. Knowing what was to come (her going to prison) made me eager to read on. The chapters were fairly long for Wattpad standards, but it didn't bother me at all thanks to it being such an interesting read.

Literary devices (5): 5

There were lots of metaphors and similes in the right places to make the writing rich and flavourful. You have a great, easy to read writing style, which you make interesting with the use of literary devices.

Descriptions (5): 5

Your descriptions are great. I especially loved the details about certain characters, to make them recognisable (that one policeman with the cologne, for example). Your descriptions really helped me picture the scene and play the story out in my head.

Total (100): 84