My Blood

0.5

I was having the dream a lot lately. It was leaving me thinking that it really was my fault. Rowan took her life because she was battling something so internal I didn't even notice. No one noticed.

She never left a note. Not even a sign as to why she did it.

I got off my bed, which I was laying down in. I don't remember how I got into my bed. I assume Ethan brought me here, but I'm not sure.

I looked at my phone to see 1 message from Ethan.

We don't have to go to the spot today if you're not up for it. If you still want to and you see this late we can still go and just talk. Only if you're up for it. Love you 💜

I responded almost immediately.

Hey Eth. Sorry I woke up late. If you're free I'd love to go to the spot to talk if you're free. Love you too ❤️

I went to the bathroom to clean up and brush my teeth. I left immediately feeling sorry for myself for no reason.

I was going to go back to my room, but then I passed her room. I couldn't help but stop in my tracks and stare at the door.

I hesitantly reached out to touch the door knob. I felt the cold metal as I grasped the handle. I opened the door to see everything as it was the day I last came in here. The day she died.

Only one thing was different. The sheets on her bed were changed, but all else was untouched. I could tell mom had been in here. She had always nagged Rowan about changing the sheets, I guess she finally got her chance.

It seemed wrong, to be invading her privacy like this, but I wanted to feel her again.

I went to her bed and sat there. Just listening to the silence. Listening to the universe slowly swallow me with my thoughts.

I got up and walked around the room. Reliving the memories. Reliving when she was alive. My hand dragged across her wooden desk. So bare.

"Why did you have to do this?" I whispered. "You were happy." Tears start to cloud my vision. "You were so happy." I said a little louder. "Why leave me? Why Rowan?" I yelled unconsciously.

Mom barged into the door and she saw me.

"Oh my baby," she said with a sympathetic look.

"Mom, why? Why did she leave me? Leave us? Why?" I cry. She comes up to me and hugs me.

"Sometimes when a person feels the way R-rowan did, they think their useless and they have no worth. They want to escape the way they feel so they leave," she says sobbing a little.

"But what did I do that made her feel that way? Why couldn't she talk about it?"

"She felt like no one could help her. It's nothing you did," she said wiping her tears. I couldn't figure it out. It had to be something I did.

"Promise me you won't ever blame yourself for Rowan. What happened was not your fault," she begged me.

"I promise."

—

"When everyone you thought you knew deserts your fight, I'll go with you. "