The Town (Book 1, Lonstino & Greenwood Series)

Chapter 49 - Regret

LEWIS

The evening went on as normal as it could under the circumstances. Luke and Michael asked for pizza as the cup of soup they got at the station wasn't enough to satisfy their hunger. Ximena barely ate a slice while I couldn't even take a bite. I'm in awe of my sons bravery but the terrified feeling from almost losing them has not left me. We returned home and the boys went to bed immediately. Ximena excused herself to make calls to alert people in Greenwood about what happened, and I didn't know what to do with myself. Reading the newspaper or watching TV couldn't calm my nerves and my memory kept replaying the hurtful things I said to Ximena.

Greg told me at the station that she came here with the intention of packing and leaving. I'm grateful he managed to calm her and to convince her to give us a chance. I haven't approached the subject because nothing I can say will ever convey how sorry I feel for what I did. She's been kind as always and went to bed after checking that the boys were still sleeping. Nothing much was said between us before she too fell asleep. Staying in bed wasn't doing me any good, so I moved to the couch where I've been thinking of ways to apologize. I regret everything and I will never forgive myself for hurting her.

I've never felt this kind of love before. It's beautiful and effortless because it comes out of respect and the interest in the well being of the other person. My mornings are happier when we share a simple breakfast and talk about our plans for the day. In the evening, she awaits with a warm meal in the oven to dine with me. She listens to my worries and rejoices at my happy moments. She also has a large amount of patience when I'm baking new recipes, but when it comes to the twins it seems her patience is infinite. Without asking her to do so, she has taken over the homework sessions where she answers their many questions. Many times in the weekend, I've woken up after sleeping longer to find them on the couch watching cartoons together. How could I have been so careless, with words that weren't even true, when my children are the happiest they have ever been. I'm no better than her ex-boyfriend.

"Lewis, come back to bed."

Ximena's voice startles me. She kneels next to the couch where I'm lying and caresses my cheek.

 "I don't even deserve to lay next to you," I say as I turn on the corner lamp on.

"Stop talking nonsense. I forgave you. Come to bed, please."

"Just... Do you have a moment?" I motion to the space next to me on the couch. She nods and sits. "Ximena, I think I fell in love with you on the day you arrived in Lonstino. I would have never admitted it to anyone, or even myself, that I had instant feelings for the beautiful and kind woman who instead of feeling horrified at my kids behavior just treated them with so much love."

"They are only children, and they wanted to bake me a cake," Ximena smiles.

"I didn't feel myself worthy of love because I went through hell with Hannah. You met my parents and you know the kind of family I come from. I don't doubt that they have had an argument at a certain point, because couples do, but I never saw them raise their voice to each other. You can imagine how confused I felt when my relationship went from the bliss of the honeymoon to a screaming fit on the first night we were back. I couldn't figure out what I did wrong. She threw a glass at me that missed my face by an inch while telling me that she didn't deserve the small apartment we lived at. The candy shop was generating some money, but it was still starting and I had taken credit to pay for it, so moving elsewhere wasn't possible. At least not as fast as she wanted."

"I find it admirable that you were making profit so fast. You certainly did things right," Ximena caresses my arm and it encourages me to keep talking.

"Every evening was the same drama about our inadequate place of living and how worthless I was to her. I considered calling it quits, especially on a night where she attacked me, but I wanted to save her family from the embarrassment. You know how things are around here with all the small town gossip. Then Hannah found out she was pregnant and things got worse. Charlie lent me money to be able to pay some debt quicker and afford this house. That's how the holiday pastries sale started, as gratitude for helping me out. But I was wrong, because not even this house was enough for Hannah, and now I had to work harder and longer hours to afford it. She seemed to enjoy telling me that I was a piece of shit with a useless career. And I know that she started seeing the man she left me for after the twins were born. Like I've said, rumors in this town spread fast. I just couldn't believe them."