The Lonely God

42.

"Please, Neffie," He growls behind me desperately as I feel him wrap his arms around my waist and pull me against his body.

"Stop calling me that and let me go!" I squeal but he doesn't stop.

"I am sorry–"

"Oh so, now you're apologizing?" I ask him sharply as I turn around to face him. He has me sitting on his lap now. It always surprises me how big and wider he is in size than me. "You're choosing to apologize after all this time?" My voice wavers and my eyes fill up with tears as the memories of him mistreating me starts to play in my mind.

"You think an apology will take away all the pain you gave me? Do you think that it will make me stop having nightmares about you? Do you really think that it will make me forget about the things you made me do?" I trail off as I stare at him with teary eyes. There are so many emotions storming in his eyes, guilt being one of them. I gulp hard as I continue, "Do you think an apology would make me love you? Do you think you deserve an apology after you mistreated me? Do you even consider yourself worthy of an apology?" I ask him while breathing hard. My cheeks are wet with fresh tears.

Silence follows my words. "You know what? I am sorry..." I say as I clutch the collar of his shirt, "I am sorry for yelling at you that night when I was a teenager. I was drunk and grieving over the fact that I'd never have a mate and that I'd die soon but now, I regret it. I should've been grateful for that. It would have saved me from you. I wish I died before meeting you. You would have never found out that I am your mate."

His hold tightens at my words and hurt flickers in his eyes.

"I am sorry for sneaking out that night like the rebel teenager I was. I am sorry for being drunk and speaking about my feelings. I am sorry for calling you mate when I was four and hardly knew what it meant. I am sorry..." I gulp hard as I prepare myself to say next, "I am sorry for being born. I-"

I am interrupted by his angry growl as he clutches my chin.

"Don't ever say that again. You don't know what you're talking about," He mutters angrily. There's hurt and guilt in his eyes. I should be satisfied by it but I am not. I feel more broken.

"Let me go," I growl as I try to tear his arms away from my waist.

"It's my turn to speak, Neffi-" I turn around and punch him in his face. His hold loosens around me and I take this moment to climb off his lap and his bed.

"Where are you going?" He demands when I dash towards the door.

"I am going to my room,"

"This is your room,"

"No this is your room. I am going to my actual room,"

"That's not your room, Neffie. That's meant to be the nursery for our pups," I stop at my tracks and look at him. What did he just say? Pups? Is he in his right mind?

"I'll never bear your pups. I'd rather turn barren. I wouldn't even mate with you after what you did!" A part of me regrets saying it instantly. I think it's because of the mating pull. Arles' eyes darken instantly and the air changes in the room. I stand still at the door while he is sitting on the bed where I left him. There's a mixture of hurt and vulnerability in his eyes which makes me regret my words more. I've never seen him look so vulnerable.

"Do you mean it, Neffie?" He asks. His voice is low and gentle, laced with hurt and longing. A major part of me is ready to do anything to take my words back. Suddenly, a searing pain shoots up my neck. It's so painful. I am leaning against the wall as I try to deal with the pain.

Suddenly, the floor beneath my feet is disappearing as he lifts me up and takes me to the bed before placing me on it. "You need to rest," He tells me as he gently caresses my cheek. The amount of hurt simmering in his eyes tugs at my heart. Even though he hurt me, I couldn't keep myself from feeling sympathy for him.

"I'll leave you for now," He adds before leaving the room. I huff as I toss around and try to sleep. It seems to be a little after midnight. Where is he gone?

I should feel relieved and happy that he is gone but I am not. I rather feel guilty. I guess the saying is true- 'no one ever became happy by hurting others'. But I try to reason in my head. He hurt me and he put me in so much trouble already. It shouldn't hurt to seek a little revenge but it does.

Should I apologize to him? Hell no! Vesta is mad at me but I ignore her because most of her logical abilities seem to have flown out of the window since he marked me. Whatever she feels for him is all because of the mating pull. He mistreated us and there's no way he'd get away with it. But what'd I do to him? Hurt him back? Mistreat him? What difference would be left between me and him then?

I sigh and shake my head. I have to find some other way to get back at him. He'd pay for his deeds, I'll make sure of that. I toss around to face his side of the bed which lies empty. My mind drifts back to the things I saw in the well.

I think that it was Arles.

It has to be.

I want to know what happened next. I'll be going back to the well to find out more. I need to know more. I need to know the circumstances that molded him. I need to know why he is what he is. I won't stop until I know everything about him. Only then I'd know how to deal with him.

~

I wake up alone. A frown finds its way to face when I realize that he hasn't returned since last night. I yawn and feel tired as the realization dawns upon me that I didn't sleep well last night. I get up and get dressed. The pain on my neck still bothers me but I am learning to tolerate it.

I meet Armelius after breakfast and we go over the usual stuff in the library. I meet Archander, Haestus, and other ministers too. I don't see Arles around. I think of asking someone about him but then let the idea drop.

I shake off this desperate urge to see him as I concentrate on my tasks. Some healers check the wound on my neck as the evening rolls in before I retire to his room. It's empty. There's no sign of him. I go looking for him in his study but it's empty too.

Where is he gone?

After waiting for some time, I give up before I find myself in the garden behind Arles' wing. My feet carry me to the woods before I walk down the less traveled road.

I remember the broken houses and I could hear the whispers clearly as I walk down the deserted village towards the graveyard. After some moments, I find myself peeking inside the well just like yesterday. A rough and cold hand pulls me inside before I am sucked inside the well by gravity.

This time, I fall willingly.

...

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