Shitty Poems

Mortality

I've never been more aware of my own mortality.

I've never that all I see can go away

And I wouldn't know

I wouldn't experience anything

And I wouldn't have the presence of mind

(Nor be present at all)

To realise that I am deceased.

I feel like I'm spending too much time mourning deaths that haven't occurred yet

Deaths that are inevitable

I'm in mourning because inevitability; oblivion.

We will all die

Sometimes I am hyper aware of this fact

To the point that I am planning what flowers to strew

On graves that haven't been dug yet.

To the point that I am holding back tears

Because of a eulogy that hasn't been spoken yet.

When all the lights are off

And my eyes are clenched shut

I imagine what life will be beyond death

Well, not life

But whatever lies ahead

If there is something.

I'd like to imagine there is

Some sort of afterlife

Or reincarnation

So that the static and darkness behind my eyelids

Won't be what I live in unknowingly

Until our planet and the universe

Is also plunged into darkness.

Is death the next great adventure?

When I enter the undiscover'd country

I won't be aware, will I?

I will be in a dream like state

Where everything feels and looks fuzzy

And not real.

I will be in a state, alike to what I experience

When I have low blood sugar:

Whenever I move, dark spots appear in my vision

Everything is dizzying

Disoriented, and perhaps not real

Saturated, too dark and too bright at the same time

And I feels like I am dreaming.

One time, at a hospital

I overheard a conversation an old man was having with a nurse

I didn't hear much

Only bits and pieces about

Medication, when to return, what not to do and the like

The thing that stood out

Was when the man said

With a smile on his face

"This will all be easier

When I'm dead."

He laughed after.

That was 5 years ago

I wonder, has he passed since then?

I joke about death often

Because it scares me.

Everyone is afraid of the unknown

But we really know absolutely nothing of death.

That's why we theorise

And create explanations of what comes after

With religion and other things.

This is why I'm devoted to faith

So that I can believe that I will not be alone

And there is something after life.

I can't imagine what being nothing and not existing will be like

It seems silly so laugh all you want

But I'm terrified of death

And dying and what comes after

And if there is really nothing after

And not living.

"At least death means I'll never be scared about dying again."

I replay that line in my head

Thousands of times.

Sometimes it calms me

Sometimes it makes me kind of sad

Sometimes, the more I repeat it

The more unnerved I am.

I will be scared until the moment I die

Because with all the theories and religions

And prayers people say

We never really know

Until we're there.

And even then,

We won't remember

We won't really experience it

Because we can't. 

A.N. Whenever I'm having any crisis I listen and sing along to Falsettos (particularly this song) and Blink-182