Broken Until Him

Chapter 35 ~ Brain

'The hearts beats an average of eighty beats per minutes. When we are near the person we feel attracted to, we can feel the rhythm double, making us uneasy and leaving us in some euphoric state. People say the heart wants what it wants, I think it's more complicated than that.

The brain wants what it wants. He is the one sending all the information to the heart, sending this adrenaline rush telling him to beat faster, as if he was urging him to make up for the lack of oxygen. The brain is behind the reaction of the heart. When your heart clenches at the thought of the one you lost, it's your brain remembering how much it hurt.

Sometimes I wish my brain would not remember all the painful things I went through, from my most embarrassing moment to my biggest loss. But if I did not remember all the bad things, how could I appreciate all the good sides of life? I would take them for granted, thinking that this is just how it's supposed to be.

There are a hundred ways a great moment could have gone wrong. And our brain is here to make sure we appreciate the good moment by reminding us of all the pain we went through to get there.'

I flip the cardboard sign of the door, indicating that the coffee shop is closed. Another half-hour and my shift is over. Another half hour and I'll be with Nathan. Another half hour and I'll do what's best for both of us.

A sigh escapes my lips as I walk back to the counter, lost in my mind. A couple of days have passed since Aaron and I talked at the hospital, and I still don't know how to act towards Nathan. We have exchanged a few texts, mainly to set the date and hour for our not-dating date. Not once I found the courage to talk about Liam, even when we talked at school, or when he drove me back home after last night's shift. Yet it's all I can think about, the words of Aaron playing again and again in my head; and the numerous times I saw Nathan and didn't know what was going are resurfacing.

I realize that in some way, I didn't want to know because hearing this meant shattering the new pieces of hope and happiness I had gathered during the past few months. It meant admitting that the world is a cruel place where happy endings are rare. It meant I could no longer act as if everything was fine.

"Are you okay?" Nina asks after Maggie, one of our coworkers, close the back door on her way to taking the trash out.

"Yes, I'm just stressed out with all the graduation stuff coming," I reply, trying to sound convincing. In all honesty, graduation is at the bottom of my list when it comes to the things that are stressing me out. Nathan and Liam are at the very top.

Nina stops sweeping the floor and looks at me with suspicious eyes. I don't know what it is about her but she seems to have some sort of bullshit radar. I'm not sure of how much she knows about Liam's situation, so I prefer to keep quiet on the matter.

"At the risk of adding to your stress, have you heard from Berklee?" She asks as she resumes her task and I'm glad she did not push it further.

I grab the cloth from underneath the countertop and start wiping, rubbing the coffee stains. After a serious talk, my parents agreed to let me pursue my dream of enrolling into Berklee music college. I was supposed to send my application a week ago, yet each time I was about to do so, I overthought and backed away.

"I may have left my application in the drawer of my desk," I say, a little ashamed by my hesitations. I wish I had my future figured out, with everything planned out and no risk of deviation. But life happens, nothing is set in stone and no plan successfully goes on without a few glitches.

"Jade..." Nina sighs, shaking her head as she keeps sweeping between to tables. "Don't tell me you want to work here for the rest of your life? You gotta have more ambition, young lady!" She exclaims just as the back door slams behind us.