Broken Until Him

Chapter 10 ~ Myself

'I've never been truly myself with people. Even before the incident, I have always feared people's opinion about me. I dreaded people's reactions about my actions. I wanted to be accepted and liked by my friends.

So I tried to be perfect, being the most attentive and the nicest friend. But I learned that not everyone can like you. In people's personalities, there will always have a part that you won't like and even if you tried to erase it, you won't be able to suppress it completely.

Today, I'm still not myself. But my motives are not the same anymore. If I was myself in front of people, I would be drowned by pity.

And this is the last thing I want.
Being someone else helps me to not fall apart.'

Tears keep rolling down my cheeks silently as we drive. I don't bother to wipe them off, they fell without interruption.

Nathan keeps glancing at me, checking up on me. But I stare at the window, the landscape is streaming as fast as my tears.

I feel the need to read the letter again and again, like a sort of punishment for my absence. At the same time, all I want to do is to burn the thing that causes me this amount of pain. But both alternatives will wreck me, either because of the unbearable pain it will bring, or because of the unbearable loss it will create.

My thoughts darken like the gloomy road before us, each bend being an emotion. Pain, guilt, grief... I'm drowning yet I can still breathe. But the sorrow on each breathing makes me wish I was like her, gone.

I want, no, I need to think about something else.

"It seems lovely," I say breaking the deafening silence that was oppressing us, as we enter a little parking lot.

Since the moment we stepped into the car, none of us talked. Nathan probably didn't want to bother me or maybe he didn't know what to say. I, on the other side, had nothing to say, too afraid of breaking down again the second my mouth would open.

Nathan jumps slightly at the sound of my voice. His eyes meet mine for a second before turning back to the road.

"Hum... yeah, my family and I used to come here when I was younger," he tells me, a little taken aback by my statement.

He stops the engine and steps out of the car. I struggle with the seatbelt, pulling and pushing on it. I keep trying to detach it but fail miserably.

I jump when Nathan opens the passenger door. I feel my cheeks burning because of the redness that is painting them. Nathan laughs at my embarrassment, the kind of laughter that gives you chills. The sound coming from his lips is so deep that for a moment, I forget everything.

"Here, let me help you," he says, trying to suppress his laughter.

As he moves closer to detach the seatbelt, I can smell his perfume. The space between us is almost nonexistent. I press myself against the back of the seat, trying to distance myself a little. But it doesn't last long, Nathan is already standing up straight, holding the door for me to step out.

I quickly pull away the now detached seatbelt and get out of the car.

The parking lot is almost empty, only Nathan's and two other cars are parked. The cold wind of November is blowing my hair away, sending chills in my body. I hug my chest tighter, looking up to the restaurant.

The facade is simple yet appealing. The huge windows are making the restaurant look like it is just made of glass. Above the entrance, the Jenny's sign illuminates the parking lot.

Nathan walks ahead and holds the door for me to come in.

"You didn't have to do this, you know, go to the restaurant with me. You could have just driven me to my house. Thank you, for everything," I tell him, a little embarrassed by all these attentions.