Daughter of a Dixon ✔️

101: How You Honor Me

"Let me come with you," I heard Jadis say, and I looked up to find she had grabbed a shield of her own. "Just until they're gone."

The broken tone of her voice made me almost give her a nod, but then I heard Rick say to Michonne, in a low whisper, "nah; we're done with her games.."

I shot the woman an apologetic look, and felt a soft hand on my shoulder, a signal for us to get moving. Michonne and I shared a shield of our own while Rick lead in the front, pushing the walkers to the side and clearing a path for us. Eventually, they began to hoard around us, so I pulled out my gun and resorted to shooting them as we made a run for the exit.

We clambered up onto the trash that had blocked the door, and began tossing it to the side just enough for us to escape. We ran through the darkened tunnel and to the outside as fast as we could, making sure no walkers were able to follow us out.

With that, we all piled into the Jeep we had taken to get there, and sped off in the opposite direction.

"I didn't want her dead... I just wanted her gone..."

I listened to Rick's words about Jadis carefully from the backseat, and quickly realized who's philosophy that sounded a lot like. I wanted to bring it up, but I bit my tongue, fighting back the tears in my eyes. I hadn't spoken to Rick since we left Alexandria, because I figured that anything I said would either remind him of Carl, or anger him further.

"That sounds a lot like what he was talking about," Michonne said, and voiced my thoughts perfectly. "What we can do when we're faced with a choice."

I watched Rick carefully after that, watched the way his lip trembled, watched the way his breathing became ragged, watched the way his eyes became tearful. A second later, he pulled the car to a halt on the side of the road, and I swallowed thickly.

"I-I need-... I need a second," he stuttered out, and Michonne gave an affectionate nod.

"It's fine," she said, her voice tearful, but a smile coming to play on her lips anyway. She was trying to be strong for him, just like Carl had asked of her.

Rick gave a quick nod of his head, and made a move to get out of the car. But, before his foot could hit the ground, he stopped short, lifting his head up. Slowly, he pulled a folded, white piece of paper out of his pocket, and extended his hand back to me. My eyes drifted down to the paper in his hands, and when I saw my name scrawled on top, my heart sunk into my stomach.

Gently, I took the paper from him, and a moment later, Rick slid out of the car, and began walking off to a nearby field.

Longingly, I traced over my name with my thumb, staring at the note and knowing that a last goodbye was written on it.

"Hey," Michonne said from the front seat, and I turned to look up at her. With tears in her eyes, she gestured to the right, where the door to get out of the car was.

I trembling sigh escaped me, and I pushed open the door, stepping outside and pacing off into the nearby woods.

Once I found a tree stump to sit on, I began staring down at my note again, trying not to allow tears to spill onto it. After a minute, I couldn't take it any longer. I flipped open the paper, and began to read Carl's scrawny handwriting.

Sidney. If you're reading this, then that means I'm already gone. As I'm writing this, you're off with Lea, making sure my dad doesn't do anything to get himself killed. I want you to know that what happened isn't your fault, not at all. You and Daryl are the same when it comes to things like this; you always want to blame yourselves. This time, you're not going to. This time, you're gonna accept what happened, and you're gonna be stronger because of it.

I sniffed, and allowed a few tears to fall from my eyes.

You are the future now, Sidney. Everyone knows that you're gonna be the one to lead when no one else can. And the time when no one else can is right now. Dad is gonna be too blinded by anger to do what's right, but you aren't. You can do what's right, you can save the people, and you can make everyone okay again. Because what matters isn't killing the Saviors. It's making sure people survive. Not just ours. Working together with them, with everyone, will be so much better than getting rid of them; I've seen it. You have to make sure we're different, and that we stay different. That's how we survive, and that's how we prosper.

I almost smiled through my tears, my hand trembling as my face rested upon it.

That's how you move on, by making sure we stay who we are. That's how you honor me, and that's all I want. I love you so much, Sidney, I always have. Even back in Atlanta, I had a little crush on you, if you'd believe it. Growing up with you has made the world we live in worth something. If I had the chance to turn the world back to normal, but it meant we'd never meet, I'd want to keep things exactly how they are, even if they ended like this. You mean that much to me, and to everyone else. Mom told me I was gonna beat this world before she died, I told the same thing to Judith, and I'm gonna tell the same thing to you. You will beat this world, Sidney, and I can't wait to watch you. I'll always love you, never forget that. And I know you'll always love me, too.
- Carl Grimes.

By that time, large, ugly tears were rolling down my face, and I was trying to keep my sobs quieted. Although, through it all, a small smile remained on my face. The note was bittersweet in its own way, and I could almost hear Carl's voice saying, the words to me, with that proud, loving gleam in his eye that made me feel like I was the most important person in the world.

I would never see that look again, but every time I reread that note, I would be able to envision them.

They'd always be in my memory, and they'd be what drove me everyday to lead the world towards a better future. If no one else was going to do it, then I sure as Hell would.

I had to.