Daughter of a Dixon ✔️

87: Shut Up

For the remainder of the day, I mainly just spent time around the Kingdom, tending to crops and conversing with people I had met. They were all extremely kind and welcoming, and I was quick to make new friends.

When the sun went down, I begrudgingly headed back towards the cottage Ezekiel had allowed Dad and I to stay in. I didn't want to admit it, but a part of me didn't want to go back there; it was so much to deal with, on top of me trying to find a way to deal with myself. I felt like if Dad and I didn't address everything that had happened, it would all just bottle up, and eventually overflow in some huge fight between us. That was the last thing I wanted to happen, and I would do anything to avoid it.

Dad was seated at the kitchen table, his head in his hands as he looked at a piece of crumpled paper laying on the wood. He didn't look up as I entered, and even when I walked past him to go to my bedroom, he made no move to acknowledge me. I didn't expect him to speak at all, but just as I was about to close my door, I heard a wavering voice fill the cottage.

"... Sidney?"

I became stiff, and slowly turned around, stepping back into the open area of the cottage. I looked to Dad, and saw that he was still looking at the tabletop. He was biting down on his bottom lip harshly, and his eyes looked glass-like in the light of the lantern to his left.

"... Did ya do it 'cause 'a me? 'Cause 'a what I did?"

I almost missed the two questions he uttered due to the low tone of his voice; it seemed lower than a whisper. Nevertheless, I had heard him, and my heart dropped to the floor when I realized what he'd said. He looked so ashamed, and I could practically feel the guilt radiating off him in heavy waves.

"No, Dad," I said softly, taking an uneasy seat across from him at the table. "I-I didn't do it because of you... I promise."

He sniffed, eyes still remaining trained on the table, and let out a shaking sigh. "Then, why?"

I let out a sigh of my own, putting my hands in my lap as they began to tremble against my will. I couldn't tell him what they'd done to me at the Sanctuary; I couldn't tell anyone. I was doing it to protect them, especially my dad. Because, if he knew what they did, then he would hate himself more than he already does. He'd never look at me the same way, no one would. So, I couldn't tell him, or anyone else, and I planned to keep that promise to myself.

"... I couldn't take what they did to me, Dad, I just... it hurt," I said, shaking my head as I beat around the bush of my lie. "And I'm so sorry I didn't come for you, I just thought..." My breathing hitched. "I thought I was all alone... it felt like that, anyway."

Dad didn't waste any time in speaking up, and his voice was small, filled with tears. "I heard ya talkin' ta Ezekiel... all that's on me, too, ain't it? 'Cause I didn't do what they asked?"

My head snapped up, my eyes welling with oncoming tears. "No, Dad, listen to me, listen good, okay?" I questioned, and he shyly glanced up to look at me. "None of this is your fault. I was the one who pushed you, I was the one who wanted to go with you to the Sanctuary... All of this is as much my fault as it is yours."

For some reason, that statement flipped a switch in Dad's mind, and he went from zero to one-hundred in less than a second.

"How the hell can you even say that?!" Dad exclaimed, jumping up from his chair angrily. "Ya took the easy way out, didn't give a shit about what it would do ta us! Ya still don't, Sid, yer walkin' around here like everythin's completely normal, like nothin' happened! Ya have no clue what guilt is, ya don't care!"

"All of that is absolute bullshit and you know it," I retorted, shooting up from my chair. I couldn't help but be angry; he had no idea what I went through, and there he was, yelling at me for, 'taking the easy way out.'

"I stayed there for a week, endured what they did to me for a week, and then I couldn't take it anymore! I just couldn't, I mean, what the hell am I supposed to say?! I'm sorry I'm not as strong as you are, Dad, is that what you want to hear?!"

"You should be sorry for makin' me believe you were dead!! Me an' everyone else, too! Ya shoulda just stayed at the Sanctuary, waited for me ta get ya out. If I took what they did, you sure as Hell could, and you ain't gotta clue what they did t-..."

"Don't you dare finish that sentence!" I yelled back, stepping forward and letting my anger overtake my reasoning. "Dad, you don't have any idea what they did to me, not one bit. You think you had it rough, try putting yourself in my shoes for one, damn second! I'm not even seventeen, I'm still a kid, I'm not supposed to have to deal with this shit! I-..."

"We all ain't supposed to deal with this shit! Ya don't get special attention just 'case you're younger, morales still apply ta you! Ya don't just go off and pretend yer dead, make everyone believe that, not when they need ya the most. Ya don't get to do that, don't matter what the hell happened, that ain't right! Ya don't just-!"

"You know what?! Stop, okay, just stop!" I interrupted, a sob rising in my throat.

"Nah... cause ya still don't get it," Dad said, shaking his head and taking a step forward. I, out of fear, took a step back. "Ya don't leave people when they need ya, Sid, not in a time like this. After everythin' that happened, back at Alexandria.... Abraham, Glenn, then ya go and do this?! What the hell were ya thinkin'?!"

"Okay, okay, I get it, just... please, stop!" I said, tired of fighting . Tears were freely falling from my eyes, but they, along with my voice, seemed invisible to my dad, because he kept on going.

He shook his head angrily, looking down at me as if I were the Devil himself. "Nah... ya said you were sorry... but that ain't ever gonna be enough; not for me."

I broke.

"Shut up," I said, lowly at first.

"'Hell was that?" Dad inquired, voice overflowing with anger.

"I said, shut up!" I yelled, shoving him back a step so he was out of my face. "In case you forgot, you hit me, in front of everyone, and didn't even apologize! You got up and punched Negan, and now Maggie is a widow! You didn't behave at the Sanctuary, and so they beat me, they cut me, and they broke me... And you have no idea what they put me through, you have no idea how much it hurt, and you don't have the right to yell at me!! So, shut the hell up!"

I didn't have the time to register my dad's heartbroken expression before I stormed off into my room, and slammed the door behind me. I was done with everything; I had to get out of that godforsaken cottage.

Without a second thought, I ripped a page out my journal, and scribbled down the letters 'HT' onto it, leaving the note on top of my bed. At least I was sane enough to leave a note for Dad; if I were any angrier, I would've left without a trace.

Silently, I grabbed my bag, stuffing my journal inside, and slid out the bedroom window.