due date // s.m

welcome home

I wanted to sit up and hug him, hold him and tell him everything was okay. 

"I'm here. I'm never leaving, Shawn." I squeezed his hand as I felt tears rolling down my cheeks. "I'm sorry." 

"Don't be sorry." He said, "I'm just thankful you're okay." 

Dr.Carroll came in moments later to do some blood work and make sure I was still stable after everything that had happened and now that I was awake. Everything was still so cloudy and I could barely even remember having Kora.

After learning it'd be at least another 4 days before I could go home, due to the state I was in and make sure I don't start bleeding uncontrollably again. I had never spent so much time in a hospital, let alone for myself so this was aggravating to say the least. 

It was almost 6PM and I had finally realized that I was knocked out for 9 hours after having Kora. It was hard to believe she wasn't in my belly anymore for two reasons. I still looked pregnant, despite Kora being born. Two: I had held for an entire 2 minutes before I had quite literally died.

Holy shit.

I died. 

Was that the afterlife or am I just tripping right now? Was Imogen and I supposed to have a big sister? I didn't want to ask my mom about that, it was such a touchy subject. She had never told us about her miscarriage. 

An entire 9 hours and I had yet to meet Kora. At least meet her and be able to remember it. The moment that Dr.Carrol had first placed her against my bare chest was so cloudy and a part of me felt like it had never happened.

"Are you ready from skin on skin contact with Kora?" One of the nurses pushed Kora into the room in her small crib. 

I would have appreciated a warning so I could prepare emotionally. This was really the first time I was meeting Kora.

"Daddy has already had lots of it while you were unavailable and it really benefited her. I'm sure she's excited for some with her mommy." The nurse picked up Kora who only had her little diaper on while Shawn helped me tug down the hospital gown so Kora could lay against my bare skin. 

I tried to contain my tears, but as soon as I felt her move against my chest the tears started flowing as if they'd never stop. I had made room for Shawn and he was now sitting next to me on the bed. 

My little family.

My entire world. 

"She's beautiful isn't she?" Shawn asked tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear. I looked at him for a split second and his eyes were beginning to water up. 

"She's perfect." I replied.

"Just like her mommy." He laughed lightly and brushed some of the tears from my cheeks.

"It's definitely from you." I rolled my eyes and looked back down at her.

She really was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. Maybe I'm biased because she's ours. I just know Imogen and I both were ugly babies. Kora was flawless.

She had Shawn's nose and my lips. Shawn's full head of hair. I was a bald baby so I know it definitely wasn't from me. I just couldn't wait for her eyes to change color. Would she have my color or Shawn's? Or maybe something different?

"I can't believe we had a baby." I said quietly. I was speaking so quietly, I didn't want to wake Kora up. 

"We had the most perfect baby." He said, kissing my head, resting his hand over mine.

"I pushed an entire human out of my vagina." I told him and he laughed. 

"I'm proud of you. You never gave up." I looked up at him when he said that.

"I couldn't just leave you, now could I?" 

"I don't know what I would have done." He replied leaning down to kiss me softly.

6 days later

Finally being able to walk on my own two feet again was relieving and felt new in a way. We changed Kora into her going home outfit and then buckled her into her carseat. Shawn carried her, even though I told him I would.

He still thought I was incapable of it because of the fact it took me 6 days to get out of the hospital. 6 days of my body randomly shaking, randomly starting to bleed everywhere, feeling like I was freezing when I had a fever, not being able to walk on my own, barely even being able to hold my own daughter. 6 of the worst days of my life. 

As Karen showed Shawn how to properly insert a carseat into the car, I stood back paying attention as well until I turned my head and noticed a man with a camera. I turned my head quickly and acted as if I didn't see him. I guess this was the beginning to no end. I had never been captured by a paparazzi, only fans, but it didn't make me feel good at all.

I sat in the backseat with Kora while Shawn drove home just to make sure she was okay. She pretty much slept the entire way.

When we got to the condo, Karen taught us how to remove the carseat and showed us a trick to prevent a waking baby. We went up to the condo and as soon as the door opened, I was hit with the smell of my moms infamous Italian cooking. 

The Mendes family was definitely in for a treat with my moms cooking. There is absolutely no better Italian food than from an Italian woman herself.

I was so happy to have everyone here. Being secluded from everyone the past week was irritating. It wasn't that I wasn't allowed to see anyone, I just didn't want to when I was so ill. 

Everyone was just happy to have me here and alive. I'm sure it gave them a heart attack as soon as the found out I was dead for 3 minutes. 

They of course were happy to see Kora too. I sat on the couch after missing how fluffy it was for a week. It's crazy to think that literally a week ago, I was telling Shawn how my water had broken.

Now, a week later. After the worst week I've ever been through, probably the hardest I've been through, things seemed... normal. 

Normal, plus Kora.

HI

I miss you guys whenever I don't update for a while sorry I love you

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