Why relationships are pointless and you should just stay single forever

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Valentine's day is tomorrow so today is the perfect day to post this.


1. I never quite understood what people aim to get out of relationships. And I really tried, because people kept telling me to stop being immature about this stuff! So there's probably no reason to any of it all except hormones.


2. Love is a marketing ploy by the government to speed up their progress in the human resource arms race. We had the World Wars, the Cold War, and now we still need a Hot War to complete the collection. My source? There's some social propaganda song called "Love is a Battlefield", it's pretty easy to go from there.


3. According to my other sources, the condition of the brain of someone in love closely resembles that of a crack addict. Say no to drugs.


4. If you think about it - which you probably shouldn't - the business of love-makery is a pretty gross one. (call me prude or immature, but consider that it's basically 2 people noisily slinging bodily fluids at each other, and I'm unsure whether you can give an example of any situation where this is a welcome kind of event)


5a. Relationships are like friendships except friendships are better because you don't need to buy them stuff, worry about stalking or jealousy, exchange bodily fluids etc. In short, it is overall easier and more fun, also there are nowhere as many excessive feelings involved.

5b.  You can have several friendships at once. You cannot have several relationships at once.

5c. According to the holy trinity of facts, logic and memes, most relationships that actually work out in the long run are the ones where the couple is basically best friends anyway. So why not just skip to the good part right away? 


6. You could accidentally get your hands on some really crazy suckers in an attempt to find a relationship. Gold diggers are a thing - both male and female, though the latter are more common to pretend to like you when they just want your money - but that's just one example of a whole boatload of psychos out there. Should you end up marrying one of them at some point in the future, your life could be legally screwed. Filing a divorce is a lot more tedious than telling a fake friend to go die in a ditch.


7. You might try to get in a relationship to procreate at some point in the future.
But really, you should first take a good long look at your weird relatives and your perhaps even weirder self and ask yourself whether those genes and attitudes should really continue to spread. Think about it - if people tried to be more reasonable with the baby-making and -raising, we would have a lot less problems than we do. There are no good parents with a bad character.


8. Some people might think a relationship will automatically change them in some way. No, it doesn't. They're just spending a lot of time with someone while being in an overly emotional state, that's why they think things are different now and start being fans of a bunch of weird sappy songs that get on everyone's nerves.


9. Proof of concept of 5.:
There's whole markets for something called "relationship advice".
There's no market for something called "friendship advice", in fact I just made that word up.
#ObviousConclusionIsObvious


10. Whenever I ask people about why they want a boy-/girlfriend, they reply with some variant of "I don't know".
If that doesn't tell everything I don't know either.


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