"That's not what I asked. I said was any of it real, not 'did you care'. I know you care; about yourself. Because the only time you ever open up is when you have to get something off your chest," Ashton put his glass down on the counter and took a few steps towards me, my back hitting the wall as I looked up at him with vulnerable eyes.
"That's not true," my voice was barely a whisper. My eyes were glued to his beautiful carved face and daunting eyes. Ashton looked so intense and intimidating, staring down at me with a cocktail of emotions swirling in his sapphire eyes. Lust. Care. Compassion. Hatred. Betrayal. Disgust. "I didn't have to tell you anything about my father. My mother. My childhood. The only time I ever got something off my chest was the plane crash, the church, and Cameron, and even then I was expressing emotions I haven't show in years. So don't you dare insinuate for a second that I told you things to benefit myself. That was harder for me than you can ever imagine."
"Was any of it real?" Ashton asked for the third time, clearly unsettled by my response. I watched his right hand brush against my skin like the kiss of a feather. It's like I got tunnel vision, only Ashton's strong jaw and pursed lips, his dark hair and high cheekbones; his eyes, the familiar, rare and enthralling sapphire, burned into me. "When you kissed me?" His thumb brushed my soft bottom lip, gently dragging it before retreating to my chin.
"When I held you at night and you curled up against my chest?" Ashton's hand lowered to the curve of my boobs, cupping my right breast through my black T-shirt and my bra with his large, warm hand. Subconsciously, I melted into his touch without meaning to. "When I touched you in the club, was that moan real? No one else could hear you, but you did it anyway. Was it all to play mind games with me?"
"Ashton, all of it was real. I'm sorry for what happened today. I don't want to make excuses but this is hard for me; to trust someone the way I do with you. All I know is betrayal and for once I found someone worth working for. I'm sorry Ashton," I was going to start crying soon. I could feel it building behind my eyes. For someone who didn't cry often, when I did it felt like alarms were going off in my head. My carefully crafted facade was crumbling faster than I could process.
Ashton's hand left my breast, tilting my face up from under my chin. His breath fanned my skin faintly, his focus glued to my lips. I thought Ashton was going to kiss me. I honestly thought he was, but instead, his lips brush the side of my cheek as he leaned his forehead against the wall behind me. "It could have worked," Ashton's husky voice murmured. "We lived together for months and the whole time I knew it would have worked. It was like a taste of what could have been."
Ashton stood up straight again but he kept his hand on my square jaw, forcing me to look at him. "I loved you. I still do. And I know at least a part of you felt the same way, but you don't trust me, and I don't think you ever will."
"I-" My voice cracked and that's when I knew it was over. I didn't mean for my hesitance to show itself. Hell, I didn't even know what I was thinking anymore. One day I'm fucking him and the next I'm in love with him and I can't even admit it to myself. I loved everything about him: how he cooked because I couldn't, how he held me at night, our shared love for a glass of red wine together after dinner, our stupid dark sense of humor. Ashton Naifeh understood me in a way no one else ever would and in turn, I understood him.
But love wasn't enough and it never would be. Not in this world.
"Exactly." Ashton's hands dropped from my body and he took a few steps back. The hurt in his eyes was undeniable no matter how hard he tried to conceal it, I could see it like a light flashing in my face. All I felt was guilt. I wanted Ashton, I did, but this was hard for me. Relationships would never work out for me; not in this line of work or with my past.
After everything I've done, I didn't deserve to be happy. Ashton did, and maybe he'd find a nice woman willing to give up her normal life for his crazy one. I would give it all up in a heartbeat, but that didn't fix our problems.
My problems.
"Goodbye, Ashton," I whispered painfully. He watched me walk to the door and put my hand on the handle. "I'm sorry I couldn't give you what you needed. I wanted to, with everything I am, but I just can't; and I'm so, so sorry."
Ashton was right. I just said things to get them off my chest. The right thing to do would have been to save him the pain, to keep it to myself. But I also couldn't have left without letting Ashton know how I really felt, even if it wouldn't fix anything. I was too selfish to keep it in. "I loved you, and I always will."
I walked through the door before he could respond.
I left the only man that ever loved me standing in his apartment, wondering what could have been if only the woman that loved him back had gotten over her trust issues.
It could have been great.
Could have.
Would have.
Should have.
XXXII
Start from the beginning
