The Burden of Secrets

Chapter 17

I swirled some sugar about in my cup and watched as the brown liquid rotated about the white mug.

I had been sat in the Asda cafe for half an hour while I waited for Zach to finish work.

There were quite a few people here now.

An old couple eating fish and chips, complaining loudly about the measly portion for the price.

A mother with a toddler who didn't want to eat the meal she had just bought. She sighed heavily and caught me watching her. I sent her a sympathetic smile and she raised her shoulders at me as if to say 'What can you do'.

Zach had texted me last night and said that he had been asked to work after school and he couldn't miss the opportunity for some extra pay. He finished at 7 so I had gotten the bus up to meet him.

It worked out well as I usually trained with the Rangers team tonight so Mum (and Dad) wouldn't be suspicious of me being out. I was dressed in my Rangers training kit to go along with the subterfuge.

"Hey."

I turned to see Zach approaching, kitted out in his workwear, and stood up to greet him.

I clapped him on the shoulder, still unsure of how we greeted each other.

He did the same, a wide grin on his face.

"Let's get out of here."

We walked out through the sliding automatic doors and out into the cold.

I rubbed my hands together, not having bothered with gloves.

"Where to?" I asked.

"Urm..." Zach looked to the left in thought.

"Back to yours?" I asked, thinking of somewhere warm.

His head snapped up and he looked a bit panicked. "Um, no, not mine. McDonald's is just over there."

"I could go for a McFlurry."

We crossed the parking lot and headed into the warmth of the restaurant - the same one we'd been in two days before.

"McFlurry and..."

Zach shook his head and shoved his hands into his pockets.

I took mine and we got a booth.

"Not hungry?"

"I ate at work - we get a good discount and I am trying to save some money. That's why I didn't want to give up the extra shift."

I took a spoonful of my ice cream.

"What are you saving up for?"

His blue eyes looked at me intently, before darting away.

"For the future; moving out on my own, y'know."

"For Uni?"

"Yeah, maybe." He scratched his neck.

I was surprised he was thinking so far ahead. It was 2 and a half years until we would be heading off for Uni.

I remembered then the small, sparsely furnished flat that he lived in. Money must be tight.

I felt guilty then. I didn't have to work; I knew Mum and Dad would help me out when it came to going off to Uni. They were helping Zane - insisting that he only work in the summers so he can concentrate on his studies in term time.

Zach hadn't been that lucky. I felt heat flare through me as I thought about how much money Dad spent on me. If I needed new footie boots, he didn't hesitate. Hell, I had the latest iPhone in my pocket. For the first time it struck me that I have no idea if Dad gave money towards Zach's upbringing. If he did, it didn't go far.

"What about you? Will you go to Uni?"

"I, well, I guess. I don't really know what I want to study but going to Uni is kind of expected," I coughed as the cold ice cream chilled my throat. "Do you want to go?"

He nodded enthusiastically. "I'd love to study music."

"You don't want to try to make it professionally - with the band or on your own?"

He pushed his black hair out of his eyes.

"Well, yeah, but I don't think that I am at that kind of level."

"Are you kidding?! You were phenomenal the other night."

And I meant it. Not because he was my brother but because he had something. He conveyed so much emotion through his voice, it was special.

"Do you write your own stuff as well?"

"Yeah, I am always jotting down lyrics and melodies in my book when they come to me."

"Can I hear something?"

He blushed. "Yeah, I don't have it on me but next time, yeah?"

I smiled back.

As he leant back I noticed that he had some ketchup on his shirt sleeve that someone must have left on the table.

"I think you have something on your sleeve."

"Aw crap!" he exclaimed as he inspected the damage.

"It's a shame. That neon green is a good colour on you..." I grinned at him.

He grinned back at me. "I know, right? Brings out my skin tone."

I chuckled.

"I didn't think they made much pink sportswear for guys..." He nodded towards my outfit: my once-red training top that was now pretty faded.

"I pull it off, don't I?!" I threw an empty straw wrapper at him.

He chuckled too and it was nice to hear him laugh.

"So are you sporty or just like being comfortable?"

"Definitely sporty. Football, mostly. I play for the school and my local team, Whitwell." I held out the emblem on my top.

"What position?"

"Attacking midfielder. Do you play?"

He shook his head. "I am not one for exercise to be honest."

"You sound just like Zane!"

Zach's eyes sparkled. "Do I? What is he like?"

"Smart: into science in a big way. Thinks he is funny." My stomach wobbled and I realised how much I missed him.

"Are you two close?"

"We are..." I remembered the conversation I had overheard with Craig. "We were, I don't know...."

"What?"

"I think he might be gay...." I couldn't believe the words had tumbled out of my mouth. I didn't really know Zach.

Zach's face darkened. "Would it matter to you if he was?"

"No, not at all," He cocked his head. "Really. I overheard him on the phone...He just hasn't told me about it and I, well, I thought we were closer than that..."

Zach considered that for a moment while I plunged my spoon into the plastic cup, mashing the ice cream into liquid. It still hurt me to think of him keeping something so important from me.

"Have you told him about me?"

I looked up quickly.

"No, I haven't...I wanted to wait til I knew what was happening...and he has exams...I.."

Zach held a hand up.

"You don't have to explains your reasons. It just seems like you are both keeping secrets - maybe he has his reasons too."

I had considered this but hearing it from someone else gave me a sense of relief. Maybe I didn't need to change my view of how close we were.

"Thanks."

He gave me a puzzled look. "For what?"

"Nothing, just...It is nice to have another big brother to give me advice." His eyes lit up.  "Just be warned, that I don't always take it..."