Crumbling Curiosity~ By Amber E. Williams aka HeartMeDontHateMe

just in thought

You know, as I sit here in my fourth period class bumping Tupac's "Me Against The World" I relate. It's me against the world, with nothing to lose. So here I am, writing on wattpad like this is my blog, so so sad. My words turn into virtual feelings and I have this vulnerability againg. Drifting, im missing..happy. Im missing happy? How can you miss happy? you say, well you lose yourself and you lose yourself over and over again, until it's not just you that's lost, but every bit of emotion you carried with you in that dark dungeon. So when you finally catch air from being smothered by grief, your able to breathe, but you lose happy. It's hidden down there in that hole with everything else you've convinced yourself you can't have anymore. Im tumbling though, back down that hell hole, and the feeling I have is anything but happy.Is happy contagious? will I catch it on my way back down? Or will the rope choke me until my body's burried into the ground beforeI reach it. I didn't add a question mark on that sentence for a reason, I wasn't asking, just thinking.

Being the Drama queen that I am I thought of scenerios in my mind..

The cars collided and her head spun as she watched the bright head lights heading towards her. Eyes shut tight she began to pray, asking her Father to protect her, to keep her safe.

She woke up in a hospital bed, tears stung her eyes as she saw the machines connected to her self. She wasn't dead, just some where in between, watching as her Mother and Father and sister visited with sad faces..but not once did he come. There wasn't a him to come. She was greatful for family, and her spirit ached because they were in pain. She too was in pain as she watched the miserable face of that sad young woman lying in bed. As she watched herself lying in bed. No one to sit beside her and confess their love, hoping and praying it'd wake her up. No one to eat the Hospital's crappy cafeteria food, or to lay next to her and watch her sleep as their coffee got cold. He was suppose to reach over and kiss her forehead, whisper "baby I'll be here." . She knew this wasn't a movie, but she just wanted, just was thinking..hoping that if something like that was to actually happen, she'd have him. Whoever he was. But he wasn't..

I shook my head from such cruel reality, the reality of me. Too much got damn thinking. The tears sting my eyes as I type and my mind is imagining everything thats not right. Why..why do I keep thinking? I swear Over thinking is the enemy when life isn't going too sweet.

It's just my crumbling curiosity, is anybody else out there thinking?

Or is it just me, myself, and I as I stare up at the midnight sky, wondering why this took me weeks to write.

Guess I was too busy thinking..wondering, what it felt like to be happy.