NIGEL

CHAPTER 15: DENIAL

Alright. I have to admit, I agonized over what happened with Kieran for days on end. This time, something actually did happen and I did had a legitimate reason to feel guilty. I didn't want to be the kind of person who cheats on their significant other, but I honestly didn't know what came over me! Not that it's an excuse, but I think it was something I needed to go through for me to figure out who I was and what I wanted.
I thought a lot about what Kieran said and part of me wondered how much I actually liked Kieran or if he was right about our kiss being a way to satisfy my sexual curiosity. The more I thought about it the more confused I became. I had no doubt most of my anxiety came from my love for Lily and my guilt in feeling like I was letting her go or taking her for granted. What if I was just getting bored because we had been together for so long? That did sound like me seeing as I became bored with everything so easily. But, I suppressed my feelings for the longest time because I was insistent to myself that I wouldn't allow my life to be any more complicated than it already was! I had all the basic ingredients for a reasonably normal life despite what I was, and for whatever reason, I wasn't contented with that no matter how often I told myself I was. I knew sooner or later I had to speak with Lily about what I was feeling but I could never bring myself to do it. She was so supportive and loyal to me, that I couldn't bare losing her over this. I felt as though I was at a crossroads; I thought no matter what I did, she wouldn't stick around. If I was honest I would break her heart, and if I didn't tell her how I was feeling, I would be holding her captive from finding true happiness with someone who wanted the life with her that she wanted.
I said all this to myself a million times, but I still held onto the hope that I would get passed it. I cursed Kieran for even coming along with us. But, then I started to realize, despite my repeated denials, that this was something that probably would have happened anyway. It didn't have to be Kieran. I didn't realize how long Lily had been suspicious of my true desires until years later, but she, like me, chose to deny that there was anything wrong with our relationship because we loved each other so much. I just had to bring myself to accept that no matter how much I loved her, it wasn't enough. It wasn't the kind of love she needed or deserved.
I think I settled into this role I played with Lily because it was always easier for me to connect and form relationships of any kind with women. I had no doubt this was because of my own pathetic daddy issues; that my interactions with men whether, it be sexual or friendships, were much harder for me to form and keep. I think I was afraid mostly. One horribly misguided thought I had at the time, was that if I could finally fulfill my lust for revenge against my father, then all those issues would be fixed. That's no way to live now is it?
Anyway, I must carry on because you, darling reader, deserve to know the rest of the story without my insufferable droning. Though you must admit a tortured protagonist makes for quite the interesting narrative don't you think? Unfortunately it is something I lived, and in some ways I still am living it. But you reader, can close the pages and continue feeling as though this were a simple story about love and revenge made for your entertainment. Please don't feel as though I'm discouraging you from reading! It's therapeutic for me to share my story, but sometimes it is painful for me to relive. And let's be honest darling, I'm quite the fascinating character! So I would never take you away from seeing more of my marvelous self, written down on the pages of this book if that's understandably what you wish to do. Read on!

I decided I wanted to get to know Noah better. After all, I never had a brother, or a sister as a matter of fact, so why not? I approached him one afternoon as we were walking, and began to converse with him. As much as Noah held a cool and frank exterior, and despite his efforts to hide it, it was clear that he was just as interested in having a brother as well.
"Noah?" I asked and he looked to me in response. "Tell me about the elves? What's it like living in an elvish society? What's it like being a half elf? I mean, how is it different from what I am?" I inquired awkwardly. I had so many questions for him and I wanted as many answers as possible without irritating him too much. He seemed patient enough with me and answered simply. "Well, that's a lot to explain. I suppose I should start with some basics. The elves don't believe in the Gods of Leroi. We have but one God and he is known as Ryo. It frustrates me how strict and unaccepting the elvish cultures can be when we are supposed to have an all loving God instead of the cruel and harsh gods the humans possess."
"Really? That's quite interesting. How so?" I asked, urging him on.
He shook his head. "Never mind about it. I don't want to get into all that nonsense. To answer your other questions, elves do eat some human food but we are a vegetarian society seeing as we are so close with animals it seems a little wrong to eat them don't you think?"
I chuckled, " I suppose. But don't you kill animals to drink their blood?"
Noah sighed. "I have before, most unfortunately. Like I said, the elves are not the most accepting people. Even if I hadn't killed that girl's companion animal, and my father hadn't realized I wasn't actually his son, they would have driven me out sooner or later for being a filthy half breed."
"I'm sorry Noah." I said, feeling guilty for bring it up.
He shrugged. "It's alright. It's probably better for me to talk about it. Besides, what good is it for me to keep you in the dark? These are things you should know if you can. Anyway, like I was saying. I do drink blood in general because as you know our instincts tell us we have to, but I don't enjoy it just based on the culture I was raised in. I try to restrain myself as much as possible. But, elves don't really eat much food anyway."
I raised an eyebrow. "What? How can you not eat?"
Noah chuckled. "It's not that we don't eat. We just don't eat a lot. Most of our energy comes from the sun. We can goes days without eating and we only eat a minimal amount because all we really need a lot of the time is water and sunshine."
"What like a plant?" I joked.
He rolled his eyes. "I guess that's one way of looking at it. There are special holes in the tree canopy that allow rays of sunshine to come through in the elvish city so we can stand and 'recharge' I suppose is the best way to put it." He explained.
I scratched my head. This was all very fascinating but as far as I knew, being a half vampire meant that I couldn't really be in the sun for too long. It seemed like a terrible contradiction for Noah to tell me that he used sunlight to sustain himself and also was a vampire. I said as much to him and he tried to explain it as best he could, but I could tell he didn't even really understand it very well. "You see, because I have the vampire thing and the elvish thing, it kind of balances out. I get very little energy from the sun because most of what sustains me is blood. But since both aspects of me are two extremes when it comes to reactions from sun exposure, it balances out and for the most part the sun doesn't affect me at all. I feel worse for you because the vampire part of you enhances your sun sensitivity. You can't be in the sun for very long can you?"
I shook my head. "No, I can't. How long can an actual vampire be in the sun for?"
Noah shrugged. "I'm not sure. I know they don't burst into flames immediately or something but it's not very long. I don't know as much as you might think about the vampire stuff. The only reason I know anything is I went to see the Divine Sisters myself years ago."
My eyes widened. "Really?! And what did they tell you?"
"Not as much as I would have liked. I pretty much wasted my questions on basic information. At the time of course it was necessary but its irritating to look back on knowing what I know now."
"Alright well, can you still tell me what they said to you anyway?"
Noah looked at me with a sigh. "I suppose, but most of it I'm sure you already know since you didn't need to go and speak with them just to find out who your father actually was."
"No, I found out who my father was when he burst into my house, snapped my mother's neck and vanished into the night." I blurted out, bitterness clear in my voice. Noah cringed a bit as I said it and I immediately regretted mentioning anything. "I'm sorry." I said somberly. "I don't know why I said that."
Noah placed a hand awkwardly on my shoulder. It was odd for someone who was so much older than me to be so much shorter than me. He wasn't absurdly short or anything but he was only a bit taller than Lily who was just below average height; about five feet four inches I would say. I was maybe five ten which wasn't extremely tall but it wasn't as short as Noah. "It's fine Nigel." Said Noah trying to be comforting without getting too personal. I shook my head. "Never mind. Go on please." I urged.
Noah looked at me apprehensively before finally continuing. "I asked them who my father really was because I obviously had my suspicions. They told me it was a vampire called James Mallory. I asked them how I even existed or where I came from and they told me about my mother's deal with the fairies. I didn't want to believe that part because I didn't want to think my mother was so stupid as to bargain with fairies but the Divine Sisters never lie so there was no point in questioning them. Then I asked them if I was the only one like me and they said that I was the only half-vampire-half-elf alive currently at the time and that I had four other half human siblings fathered by James."
"So there are six of us then?" I asked.
Noah shook his head. "Probably not. They couldn't have been talking about you since you weren't alive then, so over thirty years ago there were five of James' have breeds all together. Now there is you, so that makes six yes, but there could be more. Also don't forget some of them could also be dead by now. I was nearly killed when the elves found out what I was and humans are far more fearful of half breeds. Don't they burn werewolves?" he asked. I nodded. "Yes they do."
"Well, there you have it." Said Noah. "So who knows how many of us there actually are anymore!"
The thought of James doing this to so many women and creating this many children born with such a terrible curse as to be a damphyr made my blood boil. I hated him for what he did to me. To think that some poor child was burned at the stake by their superstitious and fearful village because of something that was completely out of their control made me sick!
"So does James have some kind of sick thing for human women? Is this like a game to him?" I asked Noah incredulously.
Noah stared at me like I was mad for getting so excited. "I don't know. I've never spoken with him about it. I've never even met him before. I doubt he knows I actually exist which is why I was so apprehensive to come on this little revenge quest because I kind of wanted to keep it that way. But if I'm being honest I doubt it is. Most vampires who have a sick thing about seducing humans usually do it as a precursor to killing them. There must be a reason he usually leaves them all alive. Personally I think it's because he's desperate to feel human again."
I furrowed my eyebrows. "Why do you say that?"
"I don't know. I just get that feeling. Vampires are cold and animalistic type creatures. As far as I'm aware it seems like James has been around for a very long time, what with vampires being immortal and all. Maybe he wants that warmth or whatever it is that gives him comfort in the arms of those with a heartbeat?" Noah suggested.
I refused to let that be the case. I didn't want to humanize a monster like James in anyway. I didn't care what his reasons were or what his feelings were! I didn't care about anything but getting my revenge on him for what he did to my mother. I hated him and I would always hate him. Whatever his reasoning was for doing what he did to any of these women was irrelevant to me. It was wrong and it made me angry that Noah was providing James with some kind of justification for his actions! I knew deep down that Noah didn't mean anything by his comments, but I couldn't help it. I wanted to be angry. I wanted to hate James and I wouldn't let anything cloud that decision or make me doubt my desire to destroy him.