NIGEL

CHAPTER 14: YOUR HEART

The deeper into Andella we got, the more it became evident that there was a difference between the Andellians and the Laitharians. The towns in Andella were significantly smaller and they reminded me more of the towns in Severno, like the one I grew up in. The forest was also definitely thicker.
            Noah was my brother, but there was obviously no real love between us since we hardly knew each other. It was strange to think that we shared the same monster of a father and for all I knew there could be more of us. I pondered what other siblings I had spread across Drancaria that I had never met. Had James found any of them? Did he know if half of them existed at all? Did he even know that Noah existed? It didn't seem like it because he never came back after he left Noah's mother. He knew I existed, but he never seemed to come back for me either. I wondered why since he was so angry with my mother for hiding me from him. I didn't complain because I surely never wanted him to come looking for me, but it just seemed odd.
            Noah was polite but he was stoic and quiet. He didn't say much and he had this hard exterior that made you feel like there was no point in trying to breaking through it. Noah and I didn't look much alike, but there was a quality I could see we shared. I think the elvish side of him kept us from looking related because the elves were so unique in appearance.
            Lily was quite fascinated with Noah, not in a romantic way or anything, but because she had never met an elf before, and to her knowledge nobody had. They did go into hiding after all, and even though Alcome was gone, they preferred to stay isolationists in the safety of The Hushwood. Elves were magical creatures themselves, which meant they could handle residing in that enchanted environment better than humans. So, while Lily was busy trying to get to know Noah, that left Kieran and I together a lot. There was a peculiar tension between us that I knew he could feel just as well as I could. He never said anything because he was too nice of a person. I knew he wouldn't dream of putting himself in the middle of mine and Lily's relationship. But, in some ways, and I never would have admitted it back then, I wished he would. There was this secret part of me that I felt like I'd been trying to fend off for so long and every time I was around Kieran, it started to come out again.
            There was one town we stopped in and found lodgings with another older couple (older couples were common because they didn't have children living with them and they respected the old traditions of inviting guests to your home) They only had one bedroom which we all had to squeeze into. Lily and I were obviously together on the floor somewhere and we let Noah take the bed since he hadn't really slept in one since he was a child. Noah didn't sleep much because of the vampire thing, but he liked being able to lay down on one, especially with Evie sleeping cozily next to him. Kieran was happy sleeping anywhere so there wasn't too much of a problem.
            That night, I laid there, staring at the ceiling of the small room. I heard a subtle creaking sound and I looked to see Kieran sneaking out the door. I wondered to myself what he could possibly be doing instead of sleeping after such an exhausting day. In that moment, I don't know what came over me, but I quietly got up to follow him. I yelled at myself internally over and over again that this was a bad idea and that I was completely mad for getting up at all. I didn't know what I was looking for, or what I even wanted from following Kieran that night, but it was one of those instances where I just did it.
            I found Kieran sitting at the tiny kitchen table. The house really was quite small, but in a quaint sort of way. He sat there calmly, sipping a cup of water. He looked up and was startled to see me standing in the doorway. "Nigel!" he whispered.
"Sorry, did I give you a fright?" I said apologetically.
"Yes, but it's fine. What are you doing up?" responded Kieran.
            I think he could tell how uncomfortable this situation was but he acted just as polite and sweet as he always did. "Vampire remember?" I answered half-jokingly, though there was always a hint of melancholy in my tone whenever I made jokes like that.
            "Ah, right," said Kieran awkwardly.
            "Besides," I began, "I should ask you the same question. What's your excuse?"
            He shrugged, "I just couldn't sleep I guess."
            I sat down adjacent to him at the table, fiddling with my nails. I could see he was trying hard not to look me in the eyes. The way he was fidgeting very clearly indicated his nervousness. He was probably asking himself the same question I was asking myself since I'd gotten up: Why was I here? The small room made everything seem so intimate and important. I decided to lighten the heavy atmosphere and casually asked him, "So how are you handling the travel? Was it everything you thought it would be?"
            He chuckled. "Oh yeah, it's fantastic." His tone was playfully sarcastic. "What about you? Does the prospect of finally getting what you've been wanting make you feel any sense of excitement or relief?"
            I sighed. "Honestly, no. Not at all. I know, or at least I hope, it will once we actually know where James is. Then it will start to feel real. Right now I still feel like I'm grasping for something that's just out of reach," I said, staring into oblivion.
"I'm sorry Nigel. I really do hope you find what you are looking for," said Kieran kindly, placing his hand on mine comfortingly. A wave of tingles ran through my arm, sending a shiver up my spine. I looked up and our eyes locked like they had done before. Kieran gulped nervously, pulling away quickly. No! I said to myself internally. I didn't want him to pull away! Suddenly, without thinking I grabbed his face and kissed him. He was understandably shocked and confused, but eventually he softened and everything felt wonderful. He kissed me back and it was the first time in a long time I felt truly liberated! Then, once I realized what I was doing, I pushed him away. I panted, hating myself for what I had just done. How could I do this to Lily? I promised her that this thing with Kieran would never escalate this far! Kieran probably hated me now for playing with him like this!
"Nigel?" Kieran began. I couldn't look him in the face. "Nigel please. I'm not upset with you," he said as though he was reading my thoughts.
I finally looked up to meet his sympathetic and kind blue eyes. "You're not?" I asked confused.
He shook his head. "No, I'm not. I'm just kind of sad if I'm being honest. Why don't you tell Lily how you are really feeling? Even if you don't want me in particular once you figure everything out, you clearly have some unresolved feelings about who you are as a person and what kind of people you want to be with."
He was right! I hated myself for not understanding how I was really feeling. "I just don't know Kieran."
Kieran frowned. "Do you love Lily?" he asked.
I nodded. "I do. I really do. But I don't know if I love her in the same way. There was never a fake moment in our relationship and every time I questioned my feelings in regards to how I looked at other people, I discarded it. It's hard to explain Kieran. I think I like boys more than girls, but it's not like I don't want girls at all! So I'm terrified that if I end things with Lily I'll be alone instead of having a sort of contented life with only her."
Kieran nodded in understanding. "Well Nigel, Lily is resilient enough to survive you both moving on. I don't think this life with her you are talking about will actually be 'contented' if what you really want is someone else, or multiple people if that's what you're into. Do you honestly think it's fair to her that she's devoting her life to someone who is only somewhat content in that relationship?"
I drew a deep breath. I didn't know what to say because he was right about everything. I knew this wasn't fair to Lily, but I still think part of me was hoping I was wrong about what I wanted, or who I wanted.
Kieran sighed. "I don't want to make you feel bad. I just want you to know that I do like you Nigel. I like you a lot actually and I don't know if this-" he said gesturing back and forth from him to me, "is you actually wanting me or you exploring your sexual curiosity, but regardless you should be honest with yourself. Let me know when you figure it out," he said with an encouraging smile and quietly walked off back into the cramped bedroom where Lily lay asleep, unaware of everything.
What did I want? That was the issue that plagued me the most. Over the years I've figured out my specific tastes but at the time I honestly wasn't sure. I loved Lily, I liked Kieran but I didn't know if I was ready to be committed to either of them. I liked all kinds of people and for so long I deprived myself because I was loyal to Lily and I didn't want to betray her trust. Well, I suppose you'll find out soon enough where this all leads my darling reader. Remember what I said about no judging!