LOVESICK

Chapter Thirty Five: My Own Grief

"It's important to take your medications" Maria gave me the glass of water alongside some other pills,
"Is Eric back? I'm starting to get worried" I answered taking the pill from her hand,

"No but don't worry he'll be here soon,Ivan used to say," she sat down on the end of the bed, "the longer it takes the better it will be"
"I really hope so,I'm genuinely nervous" I sighed and chugged half of the water from the glass,I need to shower,I'm tired of the hospital and IV tubes.

"I never had the time to comfort you dear," she sighed and came closer to me,
"I'm so sorry for your loss," she hugged me and i hugged her back,
"The busier i get the faster I'll forget about it"
I sighed softly

"No Irene,you shouldn't forget about it,you should grief as long as you wish and then let it go" she stroked my arm,
"Hopefully" I rubbed my eyes,i was tired and sleep deprived,Ivan's dying,

"I wanna go see him," i spoke while my voice cracking,i felt my throat beginning to sore
"Then go see him" she smiled and stood up to lead me to the door,
"I can't,a part of me is really mad at him,but yet again i feel like he feels lonely," I explained with constant sighs of frustration

"Go to him Irene,yell at him,hit him,scold him,show him what he did wrong,I don't care how sick he is you should show him what he did wrong" she explained with a firm tone,
"Go"

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"Ivan?" I walked in and he was in his bed just the usual,his face was becoming paler,his under eye bags are becoming darker,he doesn't look like Ivan,he looks like a corpse,

Other than being mad at him,I didn't want to come because I didn't want to see him this way,it hurt me to see him like this,I couldn't bare the heartache,i grabbed the chair near the window and put it next to his bed,

He was asleep and I didn't want to wake him up,so i just grabbed his cold hand and rested my head on the bed,

"What did you do to me?" I whispered slowly letting out all of the pain that piled up inside me for the past four months,
"I feel so horrible,".

"I could just walk out right now but I can't,no one can believe that it's me,I'm dead to everyone,my college wont take me in again and I'd probably get locked up in a mental hospital if i go running around saying that I'm a dead person"

"It feels like i lost a piece of me,and I'm losing more if you decide to die on me" i teared up yet again,I couldn't talk without actually crying these days,my eyes became a fountain that wouldn't stop overflowing,

"I hate you beyond imagination," i whispered in utter pain,
"But i love you more" I cried holding his hand with both my hands against my forehead,
"I hate my life but i love you"

"You made me like this,i killed some people Ivan" i cried more letting the tears fall onto the covers and thin sheets covering him,
"Am i a monster now? Huh?".

"I'm tired of people using me,from now on I won't let anyone hurt me or you,there is no point in being fare and pure with people,they all deserve it,i will never lay my hands on innocent people,but i know that life won't punish bad people,so i will"

"I don't care how or why,but you won't leave me right?" I continued to talk until i felt his hand hold mine back,his fingers wrapped against my hand as well I quickly lifted my head up to see him awake and listening all along,
"You..." he weakly but persistently Let out the words from his mouth,
"Are mine"