What Was Ours

3j. Difficulties

"Where are you?" I ask myself, like every day, since the day you left.

By now, I should've forgotten about you but today I can't help but think. My mind wanders to you more often than not; I mostly think about your whereabouts. You're probably with your family, and I would've known, if I had paid attention. I should've listened to you when you talked about yourself, your likes, dislikes, and such. Now, I'm stuck worried about you.

The reason I'm thinking about you is because my wife is giving birth on a night like today. Soon, you'll give birth too. There's so many uncertainties I have every time I think about you; I wonder if you're somewhere safe, somewhere with good people, somewhere where you have everything you need. There's so many things I wonder about. All this worry because I wouldn't be honest with myself and honest with you.

There's not a day that passes by when I don't regret what I've done. Mostly, my lack of initiative to be there for you—I should've been a better man, I should've owned up to my feelings and made everything right. My heart is heavy with guilt, regret, and remorse. I pray for a second chance to make everything right. Yet, I hope for a second chance, when I'm still a selfish man.

Am I only thinking of my happiness? I think so.

I been vanished from the birth room, where my third child is welcoming this world. I'm not allowed to enter because I have "lost" the right. My wife is angry at me for being cold, distant towards her. I can't find it in me to fake it anymore, there's only one thing in my mind—it's you. I still want you, Jinnie.

Many long nights I've stayed awake in our apartment hoping you'll come back, hoping you'll forgive me. It's only a dream where I can be with you again. I stay there to keep some distance from my wife. I know she doesn't know my whereabouts or how to reach me. It's a cowardly way to avoid facing the truth; the inevitable end is near. I'm planning to ask for a divorce, I just don't know how to say it. Every time I think I'm going to say it, I can't! My hands aren't steady and strong, the are weak with nerves, I'm weak with nerves.

My heart is with you but my head keeps stopping me from doing this. My head tells me I'll lose everything I worked hard for, I'll lose my children and I can't bear that. I many be an asshole and everything else but I love them. Can I give up everything? I don't know anything for certain. All I know is I've let many people down, I can't do things right. I'm sorry.

I miss you, Jinnie. I'm sorry I can't be strong enough to do what I wish. I'm sorry.

My selfish hearts wants many things. I want to see you again, see the baby bump, our child, and, most of all, see how you're doing. I want to be able to sit down and talk to you, tell you my regrets. I'll be the first to admit that I was wrong and confess that I've fallen in love with you. I know, I'm hoping for too much but I can't help it. You've became part of my world, you're the happiness in me.

"Mister Jeon?" The doctor gets my attention. I turn to face him. "Congratulations your wife gave birth to a healthy boy. Your wife had some complications," he continues but my heart is filled with joy knowing I finally have a son.

Will Jinnie have a boy too?

In all this time, all I do is wonder where and how you are. I miss you so much, Jinnie. There's so many things I want to tell you and want to plan with you. I'll make things right. First, I'll get a divorce—I will. Then, I'll wait for you to come back like I have been. I'll show you we can form a beautiful family. I'm willing to leave everything if you just come back to me.

"Why don't you want to hold the baby?" I ask my wife. She's been acting strange, since coming back from the hospital. This time around, she's been down and having a hard time adjusting. The doctors said it was postpartum depression. I didn't quite grasp how severe it could affect her. She's been refusing to be near our son and it's harder for her to move from bed. With a newborn at home and her like this, I haven't done anything.

I've been staying home and doing most the work here. I can't go back and forth with how things are. Her moods affect our other children which don't deserve her cold treatment. It affects everyone in this household, even the staff. A part of me feels at fault and that's why I try not to leave home; unless it's absolutely necessary. It's been hard for everyone. And because of this, I haven't had the heart to talk to her about getting divorced. I don't want to damage her even further.

The damages I've caused have been great and I don't want to ever say that because of me my children don't have a mother. I want to do the right things and right now they need me, I can't leave. I have to take care of this before anything else. I have to be a pillar in a home that doesn't feel like home anymore.

"I don't want to. I don't want to see him," she cries every time I ask her to hold him.

It breaks my heart to see and hear it. It's not who she is and I know she wants to feel "right" but it's not possible. Whatever it is that's holding her back from enjoying motherhood is paining her. There is so much pain in her rejection. She can't understand why she doesn't want to see him or be in the same room. And I don't either but I try to be comprehensive; it must be hard for her. I take the child away because her cries are causing him distress. They both are in pain and neither at fault. She needs help getting through this and I'm trying my best. It's not only affecting her but they baby too. The house hasn't been the same either.

My priority, right now, is my family. I have to get help for my wife, make sure my son is eating, and my daughters are living a life without worries. There's so much to do here but I'm not even sure where to start. I feel like a horrible father. My son barely eats and my wife is in a far worse condition than expected. My daughters are afraid to approach their mother because she's too emotional. This is not a home—this home is falling apart. How can I bring up a divorce when she's falling apart? She can't even look at our son. Things aren't right, and I don't know when they will be. Fuck, I need help.

"TaeYeon, please make sure that you call the family doctor to pay a visit to my wife and children. If possible sometime today—you know what? If he can't, call NamJoon to come see them." I ask one of the servants. She nods before walking in to attend my wife.

I need to call YoonGi, he has to have some idea of where to start. I can't do this on my own. I have to get my shit together and I already feel like I'm drowning. The only person who could make me feel better is gone. I need Jinnie to make me feel better. He's the only one I need. I need you, Jinnie. Please, come back.

February 11, 2019
BTS, they were in the Grammys last night and looked handsome! I was biased wrecked by my own bias haha 😆
Anyways, let's continue to encourage them to greater things. And let's not crash the VLive servers again haha 🤣