What Was Ours

4C. Fears

I can see her playing with them, getting along so naturally, is the blood running through their veins uniting them? These few days she has been running around with her siblings. It's weird to see them together, it's something I would've ever imagined. If Jeon Ji Hyun knew, she too would be surprised.

I'm tempted to call her in and stop them from interacting but I have to remind myself it's not them who hurt me or her, it's their father. They are innocent children whom I've hurt indirectly and without wanting to. I hope one day they can forgive me but to ask for forgiveness without the knowing is all in vain. I'd have to confess to my biggest regret and guilt, I've lived with all these years. I'm not brave enough yet. I can't do it when I know I had envied their luxury.

They had everything and Jisoo had barely enough. At least that's how it was until we arrived in the city and I started working. We struggled to get by while they never had to worry about having anything. I'm horrible to think this way but I know now I wouldn't change anything. If I'd stayed I'd live with more regret and guilt, I did the right choice leaving all those years ago.

I've had a good life with Jisoo, it might've not been without struggles but we were happy. I want to be happy again. Mister Jeon being here is always in the back of my mind. I don't want him close to Jisoo or I, he can't come into our lives as if nothing. I can't let him ruin the serenity that we managed to attain.

Hyungie asked for some time before announcing we would move out. I understand we barely moved in and his father is adjusting to life back home. We're waiting to see what's going to happen to him and then we'll decide our next step. And I'm okay with that, it's not something I'm rushing. I want Hyungie to be comfortable with whatever decision we make. He's been taking care of us and he continues to do so.

Hyungie makes sure to text me when they leave to the office and when they come back home. I've been avoiding mister Jeon for a while and have been successful; the only time I see him is during dinner and occasionally breakfast.

Today Hyungie was going to take us out. He wanted to have some family time which hasn't happened in a while. We were going to have a picnic, just the three of us and just enjoy our day out. I couldn't wait until we got out because today we would tell Jisoo about my pregnancy. I had been hesitant but I was more than a month along and I've been careful, I hoped everything would turn out great.

I was excited to tell her. I'd brought some beautiful cupcakes and then I was thinking we'd shop for something together for the baby. I'm really happy to be able to go through this with my baby girl and Hyungie. I had built a family of my own here.

"Jin?" I hear as I'm adjusting everything in the picnic basket. I probably had too much but it was all with purpose. I had to remind Hyungie to bring the camera and my medicine.

"Hold on. Hyungie, Can you go back upstairs and get my meds?" I ask. I'm too busy trying to make everything fit in the basket. It seems like no matter how I arrange it, it's not working at all.

"Jin, I'm not Taehyung." There's a pause and I catch my breath. "It's me, it's your hyung." My breath gets caught. His voice hasn't changed in all these years. This is the person I've dreaded to confront— Jeon Jungkook.

I hold onto the counter to hold myself up. Dare I turn around to face him? No, I don't want to see him, I'm still scared. This can't be happening to me. I can't be alone in the same room as this man because I've been too cautious. This is just my anxiety or imagination, he's nowhere near. He's not really here.

Where's Hyungie? My heart pounds quicker and harder. I need help. I can't keep living this way. I need to face my fears.

I turn around to face the man I fear. He's standing before me, only a few feet away, he's standing tall and proud. He's too close for comfort. How can he stand there and not be afraid as I am? How can he look concerned for someone who he never cared for?

"Are you alright?" He steps closer and it's my turn to step away.

"Jinnie? Hey! Get away from him." It's Hyungie. I run to him to seek protection in his arms. I don't feel good, my body hurts. Why must I always hold onto my reality to avoid getting hurt by my past?

"Don't get near him again. Now that he's here, I want to let you know that you're not welcome. I don't want you near my family. I know what happened between you two and if I see you try this again, I won't hesitate to tell noona." Hyungie threatens. I'm scared not only of the situation but of the threat too.

I hold on tighter than before. This is happening and I don't like how weak I feel again. Hyungie's arms surround me as if providing a barrier from Mister Jeon and the world. All I can do is try to hold on what's dear to me. I try to listen to their conversation. I don't want to but I need to know what's being said because I can't look.

"Are you threatening me?" There's no aggression in his voice, there's concern. He's afraid to lose what he's earned so hard to obtain in all these years. He won't get near me if he want to remain in this lavish lifestyle.

"If you want to take it that way,please do. I won't let you hurt him or our daughter. If you want us out of the house or want to threaten him to keep his mouth shut, then let me tell you that I'm the rightful heir to the Choi fortune. I won't let you put his safety in danger or my daughter's." Hyungie sounds so strong, determined, and aggressive but I'm not scared of him. I'm scared of the repercussions.

"You can't threaten me. Let me remind you that he took my daughter away. I can sue him." He's angry and I don't know if to believe his words but this is what I was trying to avoid.

"He's my husband and she's my daughter. We're a family and I won't let you try to get between us. Now, I'd be careful if I were you. You're too much of a coward to do what you say you're going to do. Now shut up and leave."

I don't hear any footsteps nor do I hear words. They're staring each other down. It's then I hear the footsteps fading into the distance.

"You're okay," he whispers. Am I really okay?

"Papa! Let's go! You said we were going to have fun," Jisoo whines.

It's time to put up a front. It's time to think of the positives. These two are here and they're all I need to get myself up and put myself together. And I'd have one more reason to keep on fighting.

"Yeah, lets go. We just need to go pick up the camera and my medicine."

Hyungie picks up the picnic basket and we walk out of the kitchen. He's not trailing far behind, I think he's prepared to fight off mister Jeon if necessary. I hope it never comes to that.

"Are you sick?" Jisoo pouts. She holds my hand, me precious little girl. She's always taking care of us or trying to when we're sick. My baby is growing up wonderfully.

"No, it's just medicine that I have to take. It's just like the vitamins you take but for grown ups and not as tasty." I scrunch my face making her laugh. "I'll tell you more about it, at the park. Papa Hyungie and I have to tell you something very important. I think you'll love our surprise." I smile. Let me be happy in spurts, at least. I, too, deserve happiness.

April 23, 2019