I am ME [ftm transgender boyxboy]

[13] hurt

"I told mom to get an abortion," he shrugged, "now they've got two homos and a trans kid with a bad attitude."

"Well gee, love you two big bro."

Jesse sighed and dropped his smile. I immediately stopped joking around. Jesse rarely got serious, and when he did it was important.

"Look, little bro," he smiled softly at me, "you and Lonnie seem to be getting really close. And it's not that I don't like that kid, I just don't want you getting hurt. I just...I have a bad feeling. I have this feeling that you're going to get hurt and I would sooner cut off my leg than let you get hurt."

For some reason that made me feel slightly irritated. He really couldn't trust me to make my own decisions?

"I swear he won't hurt me Jesse. He's harmless and nice. Lay off, okay?"

Jesse rolled his eyes and licked at his ice cream before starting again.

"Seriously Preston, I'm getting really weird vibes from this kid. It feels like he's hiding something."

I snorted.

"Jesse, I have a VAGINA. He thinks I have a PENIS. If anyone's hiding something, I am."

"You do realize this is a family place, right?"

"PENIS."

"Point taken."

Jesse sighed.

"How are you holding up? What our parents did to you...that was downright cruel. You can talk to me about anything."

"I thought I was the one with a vagina."

"Well that was sexist."

"I know, I did that on purpose."

"Seriously Preston."

I rubbed my temples and debated whether or not to tell him.

"Look Jess, I'm fine. I've always been tough as nails. I'm not some emotionally unstable mess that can't hold themselves together. I'm perfectly fine. If something was going on, I would tell you."

Jesse gave me a distrustful look, and sadly, pressed it.

"When I came out in high school... it was pretty bad. And when mom and dad spent all night trying to convince me I was wrong and everything about me was unholy, I really felt like dying. In fact, if you hadn't come in that night...I might not be here."

I was stunned. I had no idea Jesse was that hurt by what our parents said.

"Jesse, I promise to make sure to the best of my ability that I won't get hurt. I trust Lonnie. Please support me on this."

"I always support you, my gender bending little bro."

"You're mean."

"Why thank you."

We spent the next thirty minutes bickering back and forth about meaningless things and stealing each others ice cream. The only reason we had to leave was because Jesse tried to hurl a frozen coffee my head but missed and hit a mother of three in the face.

"You're a shit, you know that?" I asked sarcastically as we were escorted out of the store and asked not to come back.

"That was hilarious and you know it," he defended.

I rolled my eyes and we rode back to the apartment in silence.

Maybe I could trust Lonnie enough for a relationship. I wondered what it would be like to have someone who would hold my hand and kiss me when I needed it. Lonnie was sweet, spazzy, and a bit of a dork. I could almost...I could almost feel myself falling for him. I definitely felt more than just friendship for him, and it was edging towards love.

But then again...we were in high school. What were the odds that it would actually work? We would just end up getting hurt. Besides, I was born a girl! Wouldn't that be something that would become apparent after an extended period of time? It would just drive him away. He would be disgusted and hate me.

No, I told myself sternly. He cared about me, we would work around it. I knew he wouldn't leave me over something I couldn't control. I may not have been manly, or all too handsome, but I was still a boy, and still me. He liked me for me.

"Mason baby, I hit a woman with a coffee again!" Jesse yelled when we walked into the apartment.

Mason sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Thats the fifth time you've done that sweetie. You have crap aim."

I left them to bicker, making my way to my room. I would ask Lonnie to be my boyfriend. My confidence slowly built, and I opened the door, steeling myself.

And that's when my world crashed around me.

Lonnie was pressed against the wall, being kissed passionately by a handsome man with a five o'clock shadow.

I tried to speak but all that came out was a strangled choking noise.

Lonnie broke away from the guy and gasped, pushing him away as he stumbled towards me.

"No! Preston I swear it isn't what it looks like!"

I just shook my head and backed away, my mouth going dry. I wish I could have cried. But my mind was blank with shock. I never thought he would hurt me. He knew I was in pain already, why did he have to rub it in?

"Was I just a game to you..?" I managed, the tears finally spilling down my face, "I trusted you. I didn't think you would hurt me. You lied when you told me you cared about me. I should have known."

I turned and ran, bursting out the door as Jesse, Mason, and Lonnie yelled after me.

One thing I knew for sure: Lonnie Blue was no angel. I would never love him.