I am ME [ftm transgender boyxboy]

[11] Chasing Cars and Hearts

A/N: Yes this is hella short but I felt the need. Just a tip; listen to Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol while reading. It WILL make you cry in a good way. Please comment and shizz because it's fun getting them.

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We bade Ashton a hasty goodbye, Lonnie looking a bit awkward. I mean, I didn’t blame him. Ash practically eye fucked him on sight.

The car ride home was uneventful, but I felt horribly guilty. Lonnie’s lips were turned down into a sad expression, his eyes downcast and his eyelashes creating a shadow on his pale skin. It tugged at my heart because I knew it was my fault. I wasn’t conceited or anything by thinking it was my that caused this, I was just intelligent enough to know when I had hurt someone.

Back in the apartment, Mason and Jesse made a mad dash to their room, and I rolled my eyes.

“Horndogs,” I muttered under my breath.

I didn’t really pay attention to where my feet were taking me until I stopped in front of the bottom bunk that was originally meant for me. Staring at the sheets that probably smelled like him, I suddenly felt agonizingly tired. I didn’t even have to think before I was curled up in the blankets, basking in the smell of Lonnie. Vanilla, fresh linen, and something else that was purely him.

My eyes blinked twice more before drooping and closing.

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I awoke to the sound of a door opening. I shot up like a rocket, smashing my head on the wooden base to the next bed. I cursed under my breath, looking up to see an expressionless Lonnie standing in the doorway. My face burst into flames, like lighting up a hot air balloon. I hoped he didn’t realize I was snuggling his pillow against me and cuddling his sheets, but he was too smart for that.

“Why are you sleeping in my bed?” he asked bluntly.

I winced at his empty tone, but I figured out I deserved it after how I treated him. His face crumpled with guilt before returning to its emotionless state.

“I-I, I just didn’t want to feel like I was alone I guess…” I stated shyly, realizing only as I said those words that they were true. I DIDN’T want to be alone. But it wasn’t just anyone I wanted to be close to, it was Lonnie. I wanted Lonnie. I groaned and buried my face in my hands, which he mistook for anguish. Well, it was, but he thought it was directed at him.

He grimaced visibly, and came to sit cross legged next to the bed, folding his hands in his lap and looking down as he spoke.

“I understand why you would be so upset to have only me to talk to...I’m not funny, or kind, or even sort of attractive. I guess I just sort of hoped you wouldn’t mind it. I don’t hold it against you,” he added quickly, glancing up for a moment, “I understand. I mean...I practically forced you to kiss me,” he looked completely repulsed at himself and I blanched, “I would hate me too.”

I was in a state of shock. Did he really...think all those things? Did he really think I hated him? I could never hate him!

“I do hate me,” he whispered so quietly that I was shocked that I even heard it. But I was more shocked at the words themselves.

I sat there nonplussed for a moment, not sure what to say. He sighed and went to stand up, but my hand shot out of its own accord and grabbed the back of his shirt, pleading with my eyes for him to stay. He sat back down silently, staring at me blankly, as if expecting to be hurt and preparing for it.

“I could never hate you,” I spoke quietly, trying to pierce his soul with my eyes as I gazed into his, “you mean too much to me. You’re too wonderful. Too sweet and loving, even if you are a bit mental. I...care about you.” I forced that last part out, the words burning my throat as my mind screamed at me to protect my heart. However, my heart was stripped bare and begging to be embraced, even if it meant being ripped to shreads in the process.

He didn’t seem to really process my words.

“But...I forced myself on you, how could you care about me when I did that? How could you still want to be my friend..?”

“I don’t want to be your friend.” I said bluntly.

His face drained of color and I hurried to finish my thought, “I don’t really know what I want. Actually, I do. I know I want you,” I spoke honestly, softly, “I want you more than I want to live.”

“But,” he ground out, looking like a lost child, scared and innocent and close to tears, “I made you kiss me..I took advantage of you when you were hurting.”

I shifted off of the bed, crawling across the floor to straddle his hips as he sat Indian style. I placed my hands on his jaw, staring into his eyes as I rubbed my thumbs in small circles against his cheeks.

“If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me

And just forget the world?

I don't quite know

How to say

How I feel

Those three words

Are said too much

But not enough..,” I sang softly before tilting my head to the side and gently pressing my lips against his.

I could feel the salty wetness of his tears as they cascaded down his cheeks and onto mine, before dripping off to land on both of our wrists. My lips moved gently against his own, his teeth lightly nipping at my lower lip making me gasp quietly. He deepened the kiss, tangling his fingers in my hair and cradling the back of my head against his palm. Tears started to well up in my eyes as I felt more love in this one moment than the past one thousand.

I wrapped my arms around his shoulders as both of us pulled back to breathe, and I layed my head on his shoulder, kissing this side of his neck before nodding off in his lap. The last thing I remember before I fell asleep was fingers sliding through my hair and Lonnie’s soft voice as he lulled me into a dream.

“All that I am

All that I ever was

Is here in your perfect eyes

They're all I can see

I don't know where

Confused about how as well

Just know that these things

Will never change for us at all..,” he crooned softly as he held me close.

And I smiled into the tears that finally spilled from my eyes.

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A/N: GUYS GUYS GUYS DID I MAKE YOU CRY?! Psh, I didn't cry. Totally didn't. Totally...-sniffs- didn't...-sobs and hugs my pillow-