I embrace the pain myself. I embrace the pain without any help. I am trying to be strong even if I'm not. I want to ask myself kung paano niya nakakayanan lahat ng problema at sakit. Because if I were to decide if I will continue living or not, I won't live a life like this.
Hindi ko na gusto ang pagsisinungaling ko kay mama. One thing na laging pinapaalala ni mama ay huwag na huwag nang isipin si papa. I am stuck between the two.
Galit ako kay papa pero di ko maipagkakaila na siya pa rin ang ama ko. Alam kong mahal ako ni papa.
Nanginginig ako everytime nakikita ko si mama. The conscience inside me is getting bigger and bigger.
"Nak, bakit nakatulala ka dyan? Aren't you going to school?"
Tinitigan ko lang si mama. I am sorry ma. I am doing this because I don't want to hurt you. Mahal na mahal kita ma at kahit ayaw mo na magsinungaling ako sayo, gagawin ko, para sa kapakanan mo. I don't want to see you cry again because of papa. The pain he left is already enough for us to move on.
Kinuha ko na ang bag ko at agad niyakap si mama. Gusto kong iparamdam sa kanya that she still have me.
Kumalas na agad ako sa yakap at nagpaalam na kay mama. If only life has no pain, I could possibly live without any sin. Being a liar is already a sin. Sometimes you have to lie in order for someone to be happy. You have to cover up everything para maging masaya ang taong pinakamamahal mo.
Hindi ko namalayang nasa school na pala ako, nagbayad na agad ako ng pamasahe at tuluyan ng bumaba.
I want to end everything that hurts me. I want a time machine right now. Gusto kong itama ni papa lahat ng pagkakamali niya dati but I know that is impossible to happen.
"For today's lesson, we will tackle about the cultures of the following country." our teacher said as she pointed her ruler on the white board.
Dali dali kong kinuha ang aking notebook at nagsimula nang magsulat habang nakikinig sa kanya.
"First, we will discuss about culture of Spain. Its culture is based on a variety of historial influences, primaly based on pre-Roman Celtic and Iberian culture." panimula ng aming guro sa discussion.
I really focus my soul on listening. I have to be one of the class achiever this quarter and so on. I have to prove to everyone that I am intelligent enough to be successful in the near future.
"Also, Romans, Phoenicians, Carthaginians, and Greeks had some influence." pagpapatuloy nito.
- - - -
Nagpalakad-lakad lang ako sa loob ng aking kwarto. I am really bored and I have nothing to do. I am already done with my home works and other school works.
Maaga pa naman at hindi pa ako dinadalaw ng antok, so, I decided na maglakad-lakad sa park. Sa kabilang kanto lang rin yung park at makakapag-isip ka talaga ng maayos doon.
Wearing my pajamas and jacket with my tsinelas, lumabas na ako ng kwarto ko para magpaalam kay mama.
"Ma, pupunta lang po ako sa may park dyan sa kabilang kanto."
"Sige nak. Pero huwag kang uuwi ng super late. Alam mo naman siguro kong paano ako mag-alala."
Nginitian ko lang si mama at lumabas na ng bahay. Naisipan ko rin na isama nalang si Uno. Halos wala na kaming bonding time non.
Kumatok ako sa pinto ng bahay nila.
"Hija, si Uno ba hanap mo?" tanong ni tita na siyang bumungad sa akin.
