Space They Cannot Touch

38.

Dr Mandapati looked between the two of you, clearly conflicted. "It would be better to do it sooner rather than later, but I don't have any availability to perform the surgery until next week anyway"

"Isn't there another colleague you could refer her to?" Tom interjected.

"No. I'm waiting for Dr Mandapati and that's final"

"Y/N -" Tom started, his voice exasperated.

"So, when you say next week, what day would we do surgery?" you asked Dr Mandapati, cutting Tom off. You'd read up on D&C procedures and knew that you would have to be admitted to hospital and maybe stay overnight. You also knew you didn't have much sick leave banked up but if you had the surgery on Saturday you could recover enough over the weekend to be back at work on Monday.

"I could do Friday morning next week"

Your heart sank. Tom's birthday. "No, Friday is out. Can't you do it on the weekend?"

"I don't operate on the weekends"

"Babe, you're not delaying the surgery for my -"

"What about the week after?" you cut Tom off. You heard him groan behind you.

"Y/N, I really think you should have this operation sooner rather than later". Dr Mandapati was using her "I'm-A-Doctor-Listen-To-Me" voice. It wasn't helping.

"Okay, what about earlier in the week?" you asked, trying to keep the desperation out of your voice.

"Friday is my only available day"

"I can't have surgery on that day"

"Yes you can! It's just my birthday -"

"I'm not having surgery on your birthday! End of story!"

"Y/N, I'm going to have to agree with Tom. You cannot afford to delay this surgery"

Great. Now they were both ganging up against you.

"I don't want to go under on his birthday. I want him to have one fucking day where this whole situation isn't looming over us, where we can just be happy and normal" you said, tears pricking your eyes. You wiped your eyes angrily. "Is there no other day?"

Dr Mandapati looked at you sadly. "Not unless I have a cancellation. Friday is the only day". She glanced behind you and nodded. "I'll go and talk to Julie, book you in for Friday". She quickly left, the door closing softly behind her.

Tom sat down next to you, his back facing the grainy computer screen, your shoulders touching.

"I'm sorry" you sighed, tears pricking your eyes. So much for being strong for him.

He chuckled half-halfheartedly. "You don't have to be sorry, love. And whilst I appreciate you wanting to celebrate my birthday, the best gift you could give me is you, happy and healthy"

You tried to scoff but it got stuck in your throat. Tom reached around and pulled you into his lap, letting you curl up into him as you blinked repeatedly in a desperate attempt to keep them at bay.

"Why do you *sniff* have to be so noble all the time?" you grumbled into his chest. "Makes me look like *sniff* a selfish bitch, remember?"

He chuckled again, pulling back to look down at you. "You're not a bitch, darling. And I think love makes you noble"

"Ugh" you groaned, climbing from his lap to sit on the bed. "Stupid, noble idiot dork saying stupid lovey dovey things at all the right times" you muttered to yourself, wiping your eyes and inhaling shakily.

Tom snorted and brushed hair away from your face. "Your dork, remember? I'm only like this with you"

You blushed and looked at him. "I know. I love you too. My stupid noble idiot dork"

"And I love you, my beautiful, albeit emotional, fiancée"

"It's okay Tom, you can call me a bitch"

He smiled. "You're not a bitch, love" he murmured, leaning over to kiss your cheek just as Dr Mandapati walked in.

"So, you're booked in for surgery at 9:30am Friday the 1st of June. No foods after midnight on the 31st and clear fluids only in the morning before. Julie will send through all the information about your surgery, as well as FAQ's about the procedure. Let me know if anything changes in between now and the surgery. In the meantime, keep taking your hyperthyroid medication and I'll see you next Friday"

**

Naturally, the two of you hadn't had much sex drive after the appointment and had spent most of the evening binging on Netflix until you were both tired enough to drag yourselves off to bed.

But sleep had eluded you, and you'd been staring at the ceiling for hours. Tom slept peacefully next to you, breathing deeply. You held his hand, tracing patterns on his hand as your mind wandered.

In comparison to other people, you had a great life. A great career, a loving, thoughtful, supportive fiancé, and caring friends and family (mostly). You had freedom and independence. You were able to run, swim, dance, jump out of a plane if you wanted to (which you did not).

But you couldn't help feeling like your life was spiralling out of control. Like someone had taken the wheel and turned it down a different path, a path that was filled with uncertainty, pain and fear. This path involved medical appointments and telling strangers all your most intimate details about your body and its problems, which was difficult for anyone, let alone someone who had trust issues with medical professionals.

You worried that you had lost your autonomy, or that if you hadn't already that you eventually would. That you wouldn't be Y/N anymore, you would be your conditions. Not a person, but a walking test subject to cure, regardless of the impact it may have on your life.

You had told Tom this over dinner, needing reassurance from him.

"You aren't a test subject, love. These doctors study for years so that they can help people like us". You liked how he used "us" instead of "you". Noble idiot dork.

"For now, sure. But what if I have to see other doctors, other professionals? And then I just become this fascinating example of how their usual treatments don't work and they want to start doing experimental treatments?"

Tom had frowned, taking his time to answer. "If it comes to that, then we'll look at all the options and make the best decision we can based on what's right for us. And if experimental treatments aren't right then we won't do them"

Of course Tom was right and you'd managed to put your worries out of your mind. Until you went to bed that is.

"Y/N, you're thinking so loudly I can hear the cogs in your brain whirring" Tom mumbled, breaking you out of your thoughts.

"Oh. Sorry" you murmured, rolling over to face him. His eyes were half closed and his mouth quirked up in a smile. Your smile.

"Come here, you goose" he grumbled, shifting so that you could snuggle up to his chest. You gladly did, relishing the warmth of his skin, the feel of his heart beating against your palm. "You won't lose yourself Y/N. I promise"

"How can you be sure?" you asked, voice small.

"Because you're stronger than you give yourself credit. Now shut up and go to sleep"

"Yes Daddy"

He cracked an eyelid at you. "Bad girl"