Insanity why are you my Clarity?

CHAPTER 14 (Rejected)

“Oh sige, mag-usap tayo. Tell me why you fvcking put on a show with Mike?! Tell me, ganito nab a ako kainvisible sa pangingin mo? Nakakita ka lang ng ibang lalaki, kinalimutan mo na agad ako?”

Fvck, ako nga ang hindi makalimot dito, because of you. “Oo, kinakalimutan na nga kita. Gusto ko ng boyfriend, iyong handa akong pakasalan at mahalin ako habambuhay. I need a man, not a fvcking buddy, a boner or you fvcking d*ck, Christian! I need love. I fvcking need love like my life depends on it.”

He just looked at me with that intensity. Hindi ko alam kung ano na ang tumatakbo sa isipan niya. He sighed and looked away. “I need you Aly, and all I can offer you is my body and soul… but not my heart. I need you more that a necessity at nahihirapan ako dahil sayo. You drive me insane.”

“No! You drive me more insane, Christian.” I took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, but my brother has to know this kahit na… magkagulo pa. I’m willing to breakaway from you and from your family kahit na ganoon pa kami kaclose ni Althea Marie. I’m willing to let go everything that entails you and your name.”

“Really? Ganito ka na pala ngayon. You are heartless, Alyssa.”

“Ako? I damn love you Christian. Hindi ako ang heartless, kasi kung may puso ka dapat hindi mo na ako pinapaasa kahit na gusto kong mahalin mo rin ako pabalik.”

“But I cant… and I can’t let you go either. You just have to accept my proposition, and you can own me.” He looks at me with those tired eyes. His looks show pain and I need to look away. He got this thing on his eyes that can make you hypnotized and… I should never be hypnotized.

“If you want me, you have to love me. If you can’t love me; you have to let me go.” I looked at him with firmness. Kailangan ko na tapusin ang lahat. Hindi na ito tama. Thank goodness they’re all drunk at hindi kami mapapansin, kaya I need to take this opportunity.

“… and if I can’t do any of your propositions? Are you leaving me?”

“Yes.”

=-=-=-=-=-=-

After five days of rejecting my proposition, Christian never showed up again. It’s as if my whole system is begging for his presence and touch, like my mind is going to insanity. Ang hirap pala, akala ko kapag nawala na ang lalaking nagpapahirap sa puso ko, okay na ang lahat.

My body is aching for him, and I can’t have him. Miranda has him by hook and it’s impossible for me to steal him away. Napakaimposible.

To all of the people in the world, si Miranda pa ngayon ang nakita kong tumitingin ng mga bags sa aming boutique here in Ortigas branch. Even if I have nothing against her, still she makes me feel awkward. Mabait siya at wala akong masasabing masama tungkol sa kanya. She definitely deserves Christian’s love and that sucks for me.

“Alyssa! Oh my gosh! Buti na lang at nandito ka!” She came where I’m standing holding out two paperbags from out boutique. Totoo nga na fan siya ng line namin. She looks vivid in her lilac above the knee dress, white valentino pumps and her hair in neat bun. Her presence screams beauty and fairness. Damn, I feel envious… no more like a jealous female.

“Hi, Miranda.” I smiled at her.

“Marami akong nabili ngayon, and this bag right here iyong neon orange tote na ginamit ng Chinese actress is what I really wanted to have noong makita ko sa instagram account niyo. I finally have it nadagdagan pa ng bagong labas na chained envelope clutch kasi ang ganda. Bagay ‘tong clutch sa pupuntahan namin ni Christian tomorrow night.” She gleams whenever she smiles, something I will never have.

“Wow… saan naman ang lakad niyo?” I can’t help but ask. I’m guilty as charged.  I am jealous and I can’t get over the fact he rejected my love many, many times. It stabs my heart.

“Ah, sa anniversary ng common friend naming dalawa. They’re turning five years bukas and Christian said that we should be there para daw mainspire kaming magtagal kapag nakasal kami. The thought of marrying someone like him makes me nervous. They have this quiet tyoe of living that is far from mine.” She giggled and blushed while talking about Christian.

I want to cry, but I can’t. I held onto the leather clipboard in my hands so tight that this might break. Hindi ko na yata kayang kausapin pa si Miranda. She’s rubbing more salt into my wounds already. It’s killing me… softly.

“That’s… really awesome. I hope you have a blissful romance with Christot payatot. He’s… a really good man and I hope you stay together forever ha!” I faked a laugh and she giggled. Her innocence is what makes her far different compared to me.

Her puppy eyes and big smiles definitely what make Christian loves her too much.

“I hope so too! You know him naman, he’s kind of possessive at minsan naiinis ako dahil bigla na lang yan pupunta sa condo ko bringing food na nakakataba. He knows I’m modeling kaya nga nakakaasar minsan pero… he’s really sweet. I feel good whenever I talk to someone who knows him more, just like you. You’ve been friends with him and it’s awesome.”

He is one lucky bastard, and what will become of me?

He already found the girl he’s marrying and what will happen to me? Am I going to soon die of sadness? Ayoko namang mamatay ng malungkot. Gusto kong maging masaya, pero papaano? When all I want is Christian… only him.

“Of course, he’s this funny person since then. Lagi niya akong inaasar and I hate him for that noon. We would chase each other sa loob ng bahay nila, since he got longs legs mahihirapan kang habulin sila. Only my brother can chase him before.” Then I shifted my hands away from the clipboard kasi nakita kong napunin na ang leather since I applied too much pressure on my nails, because I’m so jealous I want to die.

“Really? Hmmm… nakakainis naman why he’s not humorous with me, but he loves cuddling with me which is what I love about him. Laging naglalambing sa akin.” Then another blush escaped from her milky white face.

Damn I hate myself.