Hunger

t h i r t y - e i g h t

           

I sit in the library, the half-written paper staring back at me. The essay is due on Wednesday, but lately I've been turning into one of those people that cares way too much about their grades. Which is nice, last month wasn't my best and my grades got progressively worse, but I'm getting back on track and trying to fix my mistakes.

Not to mention that all my teachers, specially Harrison, are being super nice to me. Is like he doesn't hate me that much anymore, but I don't want to give him reasons to hate me again, so I'm finishing the paper today in case I forget. Everyone has been acting strange lately, ever since I've started this recovering thing, which is nice but is strange. For starters, the lady at the library doesn't mind my eating here, even though is strictly prohibited, but I'm not mentally prepared to eat at the cafeteria yet.

Nate keeps begging, for me to eat with him, or socialize with any other human being other than him, but I can't. People talk, and I think they know about us, but I don't want to be known as "Nathaniel's girlfriend''.

I chew my carrots silently, trying to think of ways to interpret my hate towards the protagonist of the novel, when I was rudely interrupt.

"Hi." Says Eva, taking a sit in front of me.

I frown, and sigh, not wanting to talk to her, or anyone for that matter. But I was the one that wrote her a letter so its technically my fault she's here. "Hey. I reply turning back to my essay.

"About what you said..." She sighs. "You're right. Jeremy and I were complete assholes and we deserve the way you have treated us. I wouldn't be surprise if you don't forgive us, but I want you to know that I'm truly sorry."

I quickly look up, surprised that she said that. Why did she take the blame so easily? I frown and stare at her, confused as to why Jeremy wasn't here to talk to me too.

"Okay." I reply shrugging. "Whatever you say."

"That's it?" She asks with a frown. "You have nothing else to say?"

"What else do you want me to say Eva?" I ask letting go of my pencil. "To say that I'm sorry too? You two suck, you are the worse friends ever and deserve each other. I still can't believe all of this was over a stupid party I didn't even want to attend on the first place." I reply rolling my eyes. "And besides, he couldn't even come here to face me and say sorry to my face."

"Can you blame us?' she asks sad. "We truly though that you forgot about us on purpose. Seeing all those videos and photos with you and Nate while Jer and I waited for you to call, or at least explain."

"When will you guys realize that fucking live at that house? Do you think I chose this stupid live with a rich step dad and a "hot and popular" step brother? It sucks living and that place, and while you and Jeremy thrive of it, I don't. I really thought that from all of the people here, you would understand." I sigh staring at the table.

"You claim that you hate that lifestyle so much, yet you still sleep with Nate every chance you get." She replies annoyed. I stare at her and she sighs, knowing that she screwed up once again. "Or at least that's what Melanie is telling everyone, now that she's with your brother."

"What?" I reply exasperated. "Is that your way of apologizing, cause you fucking suck at it. And what's going on between him and I is none of your business, or anyone at this school for that matter."

"He's just like your brother, and you hate him. What's the difference between the two of them? He's just another rich guy in the football team. What makes him so special?"

"For starters he was there for me when none of you were." I say angry. "He listens, something you clearly lack, and he helped me through my recovery. For you and everyone else he may seem like a classic asshole, but that asshole is the one that despite my mental problems and health issues has stand by me. He's the one that listens to me when I want to give up, and he is the one that encourages me to finish my meals or at least tries to. He reminds me when is time to eat and doesn't judge me like everyone else. He's the closest thing to a family that I have, because my mother doesn't care, and my so-called brother can say worse things than you."

She stays quiet, not knowing what to say and I roll my eyes in annoyance. To think that I wanted to try and be friend again.

"I'm sorry." She whispers.

"Saying sorry every time you mess up doesn't change anything." I reply staring at her. "Something that I learned from doctor Baize is to own up to my actions. Is pretty obvious that you haven't, and you can't expect forgiveness if you are not capable to forgive others." I continue, exasperated. "I forgive you, that doesn't mean I want to be your friend, and tell Jeremy to man up, if he wants to at least make amends."

"You really are clueless." She sighs standing up. "He's in love with you. He has been since you got to this school. The reason he was so harsh was because of it. He can't stand seeing you with Nate."

I blink, processing the information she just gave me. "I get that I hurt him, which was not on purpose, but that doesn't give him the right to hurt me too. You can't choose who you love and I'm with Nate now, which I can assure you was the last person in this school I thought I would be with." I reply crossing my arms. "I understand now why he was so harsh, but the least he could do is say sorry. I don't deserve to be treated like crap because he doesn't know how to handle he's emotions."

She leaves, and I sigh picking my pencil up again from the table and continuing to write my essay. Is pretty clear that they aren't going to be my friends again, and even if I wanted to, they are not the best at it. So, I might as well stop denying Nate's offers to spend time with him at school, and star enjoying my life, because my happiness shouldn't depend in making others happy.