fixated past participle, past tense of fix·ate (Verb)
Cause (someone) to acquire an obsessive attachment to someone or something
Acquire such an obsessive attachment to: "it is important not to fixate on an imosity"
Tired of being the bridesmaid and...
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"To the bride and groom!"
Malik, the best man, and the bride's cousin raised his glass and toasted the bright and happy newly wedded couple at the head of the table with him. The bride, dressed in a traditional frothy white styled grown, flushed in joy as she leaned into her husband as cheers roared up around them in the packed and sophisticatedly decorated banquet hall of the Pebble Beach resort lodge.
"To the bride and groom!" the guests echoed in response.
Sitting in a row with the other bridesmaids, I robotically raised my glass and tried my best to keep the cheerful, admiring smile on my face; but it was hard.
This had to be my fourth wedding in less than two years, and each time a bitch was truly turning in the cliché-always the bridesmaid, never the damn bride. But I needed to get out of my wallowing, it was my best friend, Nicolette's, day and I refuse to be a Debbie Downer and spoil this occasion for her.
"I know that look."
Glancing to my right, there sat Tierra, one of my other close friends and fellow bridesmaids; she looked meaningfully into my eyes as she toyed with her own ring finger that was blessed with a four-karat, princess cut diamond, and a corresponding wedding band. She was one of the four weddings that I had to endure over the best few months.
"Don't start it, Tee-this is Nikki's day and I don't wanna hear it." I waved her off as I took a sip out of my champagne glass, like the previous three weddings it tasted bitter on my tongue.
Tierra sighed as she turned in her seat, trying to engage me in her conversation, but I was not hearing it. For the last couple of weeks, she had been trying to talk me into going the route she had gone to get herself a husband; the internet.
Almost a year ago when Tierra mentioned to me that she'd begun internet dating random ass dudes, I was completely against the shit. And confused! Let's keep the shit real, I thought only ugly and desperate bitches ended up on the web searching for 'love'. But my girl Tee was totally opposite! She was gorgeous and successful, could cover any high fashion magazine like the one she managed.
The whole idea of dating online just seemed too excessive and slightly ratcheted. But this had to be the third wedding I was stuck with Tierra's ass, and each time, the woman had made a convincing case for finding a decent man online. I turned my head as catcalls and joyful laughter sounded off, Nikki and her Austin were kissing one another passionately-I gave them a small smile then turned my attention back to the front of the table as the DJ started to play "My First Love" by Avant and KeKe Wyatt. That meant it was time for the first dance.
"Boo, I ain't saying you'll find Mr. Right on the first go-'round," Tierra said. "But's much better than what your lonely ass is doing now." She raised her eyebrow at me, referring to the fact I showed up to this wedding completely dateless. Like I did all the rest of them, I just sighed and looked down at the champagne glass in my hand. She really knew how to make a bitch feel pathetic.
"But wouldn't I look desperate?!" I asked.
Tierra looked back at me, after blowing her new husband a kiss; Jacquees was a gorgeous accountant with money he loved to spend on his equally beautiful wife. When my eyes met him, he gave me a smile and raised his glass.
"Girl, please! I went online looking for my babe and I don't consider my ass desperate." She turned in her seat to make our conversation more private once again. "I was tired of hooking up with these deadbeat dickheads who couldn't treat me the way I deserve." She said as she waved her hands dismissingly. "At a certain point in your life, you have to take control instead of waiting for 'life' to give you what you want, Mamas."
I bit my lip. On the dance floor in the middle of the room, the newlyweds dance insanely close to the romantic music. At the tables around the room, everyone was all coupled up, whispering in each other's ears, laughing intimately together. It felt like forever since I had a man, and I'm not too sure if I want it to be years before I found one again.
After taking a long champagne draining sip from my glass.
"Okay," I muttered. "I'll do it."
Tierra winked her eye at me. "Good! I'll set you up with the site as soon as I have my first dance with my baby." She smirked over at him as she stood to her feet, and walked swiftly away from the table. ............. At twenty-six, I was considered a glorified college drop-out turned law office receptionist, thanks to my dad. He used to clean up that building back when I was a kid and still was well-liked by a lot of the high powered attorneys that resided there. Even though the money was good, between old student loans, rent, bills, and just the plain cost of living-I barely made enough to share a cheeseburger from McDonald's with my mama!
After pouring rosewater into my bathtub, I sat on the ledge watching the hot water began to spill in. It was my ghetto spa night and I was in dire need of pampering myself. It had been exactly a month since I've logged on to that damned site Tierra had told me about and I was having the worst luck in the world-only men I seemed to attract were rich, old ass white men.
No thanks.
After adding the last ingredient of coconut milk to my bath, I slowly slide my body into the tub and rested my head on the folded towel behind me. This online dating shit was not working out, much to my mother's pleasure-She was old school when it came to finding love and when I told her about me going on the internet; man! I thought she went crazy when she first saw my tattoos!
"You just gotta give it time." Tierra would coo at me every time I get a freaky ass e-mail from some fifty-something newly divorced rich, socialite-No! I am not going to be some weird white man's little black girl fetish. I sighed as closed my eyes, allowing the water to overtake me and relax every tense muscle in my body.
In the darkness of my bedroom and with a half-eaten hoagie next to my laptop on the bed, I got bored while browsing through my friends' updates on Facebook, now I was back on PROJECTlove.com logging into my account, where I affectionately named myself RiskyBiznizz. Risky was a nickname my grandpa had given me when I was little, I was always jumping off of furniture and doing tomboy shit, the name still stuck with me to this day.
Chin in palm, I deleted the usual weirdoes that I seemed to attract.
"Nah."
Delete.
"Not likely."
Delete.
"Ew! Fuck no..."
I sighed as I went through twenty different emails, another failed day at my love life. I was about to log off when a letter popped into my mailbox.
"Let me guess-another lonely ass old man dying for some young black booty?" I said with a humorous smirk on my face. Clicking on the email, I was taken back when I found myself staring into the most beautiful pair of blue eyes... I don't know why my eyes automatically wander to the profile picture of the user named MasterDom.
MasterDom?! Hmph, maybe his name was Dominic or something.
From: MasterDom Subject: Hmm... To: RiskyBiznizz My dear, I hardly believe anything about you is 'RiskyBiznizz'.
"White boy don't do me."
I chuckled as the thought popped into my head. I right-clicked his name, causing a profile to emerge on another tab in my browser's window. I was taken back again when I saw how fine this man was, to be honest, I've never dated anyone outside my race before. He had a handsome face to go with those striking blue eyes of his-He was definitely a step up from the perverts I had been dealing with on a regular basis, but his profile was what had me losing it. This dude was just as freaky and perverted as those old ass men!
"Hobbies: Fucking?! Are you serious, dude?"
I shook my head as I chuckled to myself. Nah, this guy was on a different level than me, I am an adventurer and all when it comes to the bedroom-But these dudes are on some next-level type of stuff; spanking, putting shit up folk's ass and tieing women up is not for me.
While I sat there pondering, another email popped into my mailbox.
From: MasterDom Subject: Cat got your tongue? To: RiskyBiznizz My dear Miss Risky, I see you have been scared away by my profile. Lol I guess I am not a 'risk' you are willing to take?
Is this dude psychic? How does he possibly know that I am going through his profile?! I smack my lips and decided to play his little game... What could it hurt?
From: RiskyBiznizz Subject: Hmm... To: MasterDom They don't call a girl Risky for anything.
I click send.
I laughed wholeheartedly at how ignorant I was being, I should have just ignored Freaky Sexy, but I really was not the type of girl to back down from a challenge. I was curious how far I could go with this guy, I mean it's not like I have any intentions of meeting up with him.
I do not date white boys. Period.
Popping the top on my orange soda can, another email swiftly popped into my mailbox, begging me to read it. I was going to ignore his reply altogether, but what can I say? But curiosity killed the cat, right?
From: MasterDom Subject: Oh really? To: RiskyBiznizz Then send me your information and let's how 'risky' you truly are.
I bit my bottom lip and just stared at the screen, pondering whether I should or shouldn't comply with his wishes. I mean, don't get me wrong... I ain't scared of a damn thing. But, I'm just not too sure if this is what I want-This is a gorgeous ass man, but what if he's only looking for some sleazy ass, ratchet night of sex and I'm wanting a real relationship.
Plus, I'm still not too sure about this white boy 'thing'.
