Boys Don't Cry

Chapter 32

"But you don't understand, no one does" I reply, trying not to show any emotion.

"Have you ever tried to explain what it's like to someone?" She asks. I immediately start shaking my head. I know what she's about to do. "Why don't you try now?" Sarah suggests.

"No. There's no point." I say angrily.

"Why did you runaway?" She questions. I look at her, and shrug again.

"I just wanted to get away, where no on could find me." I tell her. No one knew where Jacob lived, so they couldn't find me.

"What did you do while you were there?"

"I just spoke with Jacob." I lie again, if I told her the truth then she would tell everyone.

"You sure? What about drugs?" She presses. Her interrogative tone is making me uncomfortable.

"No, I didn't do any drugs, I didn't drink either, so write that in your book." I say, getting angrier. Sarah gives me a concerned look.

"How was school today?" She probes. "Lauren and Ben both said you were a little distracted."

"So? What do you expect? Did you honestly believe I was just gonna come here and act like nothing's happened?" I rant, my voice getting louder as my anger rises.

"What were you thinking about in class today?" She asks, I look at the clock, only twenty minutes left.

I shrug yet again.

"Nothing." I add. "I just couldn't be bothered doing anything." Sarah nods as I speak, as though she's taking in every syllable.

"Michael, I'm aware that when you found out, you walked out. So has anyone explained to you what will happened when John is released?" She explains, I close my eyes as she says his name. I shake my head, I'm not even sure I want to know, it's not like it will make a difference. "Michael, John has certain conditions, that he has to adhere to if he breaches them, then he will go back to prison and serve the rest of his sentence, maybe even longer. He's not allowed anywhere in this town, he's not allowed to contact you in any way, and he's got a curfew, which means from seven o' clock at night until seven o'clock in the morning, he's not allowed out of his house."

I follow everything she's saying, taking it all in, it doesn't really make me feel any better, although it makes me wonder where he's going to be living.

"Will I know once he's been released?" I ask, Sarah nods before I'm even finished speaking.

"Your dad will get a phone call on the day." I nod and sink back on the sofa.

"Okay." I say quietly.

"If you ever tell anyone then I'll kill you. I will find you and I'll kill you." His words clung to my ear as he spat them, his moist breath reeked of beer and cigarettes. I wipe the blood and tears from my face, a pain throbs in my hand as I use it.

I blink as I snap back to reality. Tears well up in my eyes, but I blink again, sending them back to where they came from.

"Michael, how are the nightmares?" She asks out of the blue. I'm taken aback by this question.

"I'm getting them more now." Is the only thing I say.

"You want to talk about them?" She inquires. I don't want to, so I shake my head.

"You've had a long day, so I think we'll finish up there and you can go home. Although, I'm here anytime if you want to talk, okay?"

I nod and take the small white card she's holding out.

"Thank you." I say, before leaving the room, the session finished ten minutes early, so I don't expect my dad to be here yet, although I walk out just in time to see my dad walk in to the office with Katherine. Sarah, joins them as well, so I assume they're speaking about the therapy session. After ten further minutes, they all emerge, looking serious. My Father motions for me to follow him, and i do, we get inside without saying a word to each other, without making eye contact with me. The drive home is slightly tense, neither of us speak until we stop at traffic lights.

"What did I say about not letting any of this affect your school work?" My dad questions, although we both know the answer. I don't look at him, or reply, which makes him carry on. "What happened today?"

"I don't know." I mutter.

"You don't know? Listen, mate. You can't let yourself go back to how you were, refusing to talk about it and not giving a shit about anything. Look at what that did to you." He says, taking his eye off the road briefly, I keep my eyes on the passenger side window, and i stay silent. That's the first time he's used a swear word while speaking to me.

"Ok." I say, with tears welling up.

"You know Amelia and I are always here if you want to talk, but Sarah can help you in ways we can't." He throws in, before pulling in to the drive way. The car stops and we sit for a minute. "I want you to try harder in therapy, open up a bit more."

"Ok." I say again, the tears have disappeared. I climb out the car and walk into the house, my feet carry me straight to my bedroom. Closing the door, I walk over to my bedside cabinet and dig out the hidden drugs and then to the bathroom to go through my routine of snorting cocaine. My hands rush around to clean up before walking back through to my bedroom and putting the rest back in my hidden spot. As I stand up and compose myself, there's a soft chap on the door.

"Michael, dinner is ready." Amelia calls from the other side.

"Thanks, I'm coming." I mumble. Looking in the mirror, I make sure I don't look obviously high and then strut downstairs to meet my family at the table. Dinner wasn't awkward, surprisingly. We spoke about Amelia's day and the baby, who is due in seven months - just after I turn sixteen. As usual, I help clean up and fill the dishwasher although, I don't hang around, I retreat back upstairs to my bedroom and close the door, turning on the TV to the same, childhood cartoon I used to love. After an hour or so of watching TV, I grow bored and put on Battlefield 3. Half an hour later, still bored, and restless and go back to my stash and take out the heroin, reasoning that it will have worn off by the morning.