my best friends brother - rewriting

11 ... seeing stars

my bestfriend's
boyfriend
11

Toss. Five seconds later, another toss. I groan, shoving one of my pillows against my face. I can't sleep. I would love to blame all of this on Damon, which I am but it's always been a habit of mine. Lots of things tend to stay on my mind when I'm ready to go to sleep. I've been thinking about a lot of things. What happened with Joslin and what happened with Damon. A lot of things have happened with Damon and he's part of the reason why I can't sleep. The library incident.

I turn over again.

This time I don't try to sleep, I hit my pillow until my arm got tired. Since I can't punch a face, my pillow is all I have. Not only that, the freaking beautiful dress Desi so kindly bought for me. She got it at a discount rate because she's been shopping at the same store since she was 10 and the shop loved loyal customers.

I begged the kind girl not to get it but she so effortlessly ignored me, humming to a song as she paid then looped the bag on my arm. I told her I'd pay her back as soon as I could even after she tried to refuse.

The dress, currently hung up in my closet, was noticeable in the moonlight peeking into my bedroom at 1 am. My closet door most of the time stayed open with no problem but tonight it was a problem. On my last turn, I lay there and stared at it. Its beauty mocked me. I felt good in it no doubt.

Desi somehow made that possible with her charisma and positive energy. Her energy could light up a room.

But as I lay here admiring how beautiful the dress was, all I could hear was a voice in my head telling me that it wasn't for me. I could hear Joslin laughing and crushing my spirits. That girl was ruthless.

She scared me.

Grabbing my phone off of my nightstand, I rewatch the video Desi took for the fifth time today. Seeing myself like this, surprising it didn't make me want to die.

For once.

I'd cringe a bit, but it didn't stop my smile and light laughs. Desi was funny. Clover had tough skin but she was overall kind to me too. I bite my fingernail as I laugh at my stupid attempt at model poses. "Oh God no," I cover my face with my hand, my grin inevitable.

With the video still playing, I get out of bed and take the dress from my closet. I stare down at it while biting my lip. It's just me, no one here to judge me. Except my mind, but tonight I'd kindly like my mind to fuck off.

I smile mischievously as if I was disobeying someone and the idea of getting caught sounded fun. Putting the dress on was the easy part, feeling comfortable in it was the hard part. My phone now leaning against my lamp on my nightstand with the front camera open.

Slowly, I walk backward so my whole body showed and took a deep breath. I just stared. Awkwardly. My hand smooths the fabric that looked a bit puffy as my mind played tricks on my insecurities. My hands land on my breast that wasn't perked up right now with no bra. I look up and down my body as I fix the straps.

"She's not here," I remind myself in a whisper.

"She can't trash you here."

A knock at my door breaks the inevitable and I freeze for a moment, staying quiet in hopes I didn't wake anyone and wait for the person to leave me alone.