Such an ordinary family

Being afraid of the Unknown

They all gathered for breakfast the morning after. The mood was happy, the tension was gone, and they had said what they had to say, nothing more to hide. In the end, nothing seemed to have changed in the view of the children, Now that they had said the words, routine was back again, as if nothing had happened.
Dean had never been the expressive kind of guy, particularly when his feelings were concerned, even during the years he had spent with Tessa. So there was nothing different between him and Castiel. Except what had led to their deeper bond, long look exchange, silences that were more eloquent than words.
The children had always known these attitudes; today, there were able to grasp the meaning of it all.
The only thing that changed was their place at the table. Dean was now sitting at Castiel's right, where Balty used to sit.
Jewel in front, Chadwick facing Castiel... like an unspoken recognition.
So this morning, they were savoring cereals and yogurt, while planning activities for the following Sunday. It had been snowing a lot over the last few days and the young ones wanted to go sledging and share a family stroll. All in all, they wanted the Sunday to be more than a day spent with their father, they wanted it to be a family day. Dean was quick to understand that.
All of a sudden, everything was much more easier and he regretted to have kept it secret for so long. Then he thought about what to say to their relatives and friends. How could he announce he was in a relationship with a man ? Especially Castiel...
A relationship ? Were they really a couple ?
Was it enough to have shared kisses, to love him in secret, to talk about a couple?

Dean was aware it wouldn't be enough. After a brief silence, only disturbed with the cutlery jingle, he finally spoke.
« Kids, I'd like to ask you a favor » he started, putting down his empty coffee cup on the table.
All eyes turned to him.
« I'd prefer this remain between us, for the time being»
« You mean, you and Castiel ? » Chadwick elaborated.
Dean nodded.
« Why ? » Jewel truly seemed surprised by her father's request. « Can't I tell Marissa that Castiel is your lover then ? » it was obvious she was disappointed.
« No... This remains between us four »
« Why ? » she asked again.
Dean turned to Castiel who remained silent.
« Because I need some more time, Pumpkin » he replied with a smile. « And because the both of us still have a lot to talk about»
Castiel smiled in turn.
« It's hard not to say anything » Jewel complained, swallowing a spoon full of cereals.
« I know, but you're a big girl now, you'll manage, I'm sure. You will be able to tell her soon, I promise »
She straightened with pride.
« Promise ?»
Her father winked at her.
Chadwick exchanged a complicit gaze with Castiel while sipping his hot chocolate.

Dean found it rather difficult to explain the reason for his silence to his children. How could he explain that, as long as he couldn't cope with the physical attraction to Castiel, they wouldn't be a real couple and display their relationship to the world.
What they were sharing was some kind of an ambiguous love friendship that they had a hard time naming, something between love and a profound bond.
How could he explain he was so difficult to admit that part of him.
He hoped Balty would manage to help him sort out his feelings and felt quite perplexed to have to call for help in order to confirm what he already knew...
He wanted Castiel, he was dreaming of him, yet he felt incapable of admitting this first step because he knew, once they had gone beyond a certain point, nothing would ever be the same.
He knew this ultimate experience would be the last, the one he had to acknowledge if he were to love someone again... totally, completely.
The one experience that would drive him to say the words he hadn't spoken since Tessa had gone.

So here he was, that morning, torn apart between fear and desire : yet that particular morning, no more denial, just a sense of apprehension.
He looked at his reflection in the mirror, wearing a simple short, and imagined Castiel's silhouette looking back at him.
He imagined his hands covering his own and closed his eyes.
He needed to find the courage within himself. He looked down at the obvious sign of his desire and lowered a hand on the bump that could have been the other's.
When the reflections joined, he shouted out of frustration and hit the mirror with the flat of his hand.
« SHIT » he sounded so desperate, his forehead leaning on the mirror.