Programming Errors

Stable

I lunge forward, jaws snapping shut on nothing but air. I growl slightly as I thrash my head, feeling the chains around my neck tighten as my head moves. The bright lights above me reveal only a fraction of the room.

"Let me go! What do you want with me!? Who - What are you?!" I cry, feeling the chains tighten once more. A figure steps from the shadows yet remains nothing but a silhouette.

"I want you to accept me within you. I am the part of you that you fear. You cannot escape me. You know that. Why do you fight me? It makes no sense. You know I will never leave you, yet you try to evict me from your mind. Why do you work so hard on what you know to be a futile act?" The voice is smooth and cool, calm and controlled.

"I have to get rid of you! You have me trapped within my own mind! I know I need to escape. I know my life would be better without you! I remember what it was like before you showed up, and I miss that feeling." I clench my eyes shut and my voice cracks as I continue. "I haven't been the same since."

"Did I stutter? I am a part of you. I was always there. You simply didn't know I was there. I simply didn't show myself." The voice is no longer cool, but cold now; cruel. Every word hits me in the chest like a blade. "I can take over whenever I want to. You have no power over me. You never did. You never will. I could take over now if I wanted." The figure seems to watch as I struggle, thrashing and still fighting to escape.

It takes one step, then another, towards me. It steps into the light and keeps coming closer until I can see the full extent of its features. It has a rounded face, gunmetal blue eyes, and pale skin, sharply contrasting the dark black hair that falls past its waist. Nearly everything about its face is the same as my own. The only difference? The hair. I glance sideways, seeing the same short dark blonde hair I expected.

"You know what? I think I might just do that. Do you have a problem with that?" She asks, leaning in close to my face. I stay silent, refusing to give in to her torments. "Silent treatment, huh? Well, it doesn't matter either way. You can't stop me." With those words, she dissolves into black smoke. The smoke twists through the air until it is wrapped around my body repeatedly, though it does not touch me, not even my clothes. All of a sudden, the smoke constricts and envelops me in a cloud of darkness. The darkness lasts only a second, but I know what's coming next.

Terror -pure and utter terror- floods me. I feel my legs twitch. My eyes screw shut, and I hold in a scream. What feels like an eternity passes, though it could have only been minutes, and I give up. Tears trickle slowly down my face as I give in to her power over me. I knew I wouldn't be able to stop her. Why did I entice her? Why did I act as if I would still be alright no matter what she did? Why did I let myself think that I could take it? I've never been able to before. What made me think I could now? I shudder slightly as I feel her grip on my mind, heart, and gut loosen, then disappear completely. The smoke emerges once more, this time trickling slowly out from my chest.

"Why do you relent so quickly? Why does it feel like you don't really want me gone?" Her voice is concerned as she lifts my chin and her eyes lock onto mine. My eyelids are weighed down with exhaustion, but her voice snaps me back into reality. "Do you not want me to go? If that's the case, then why? Has it always been like this? Did I simply not notice?" She speaks softly now, the concern in her voice amplified and tinged with sorrow.

"I... I don't know anymore..." I choke out the words, my vision filming over with suppressed tears. "All I know is that I should want you gone. That's why I say I do, even though I'm not sure... I used to know. I used to loathe you. That was when you first came. After a while, I got used to you. You were the one thing that I knew couldn't surprise me. The only thing that stood as a constant in what had become a hectic and insane life. You, my fears, my fractures... You were the one thing I could count on. I couldn't count on people. I couldn't count on my emotions or senses. But I could count on my problems." I squeeze my eyes shut, feeling my throat tighten until I'm almost gasping for breath. "I could count on my flaws. I still can. I can count more on the things that are wrong with me than the things that are right. I have more faith in the bad than the good. I have more faith in being mostly broken than I do in being partially whole."

"I keep you stable? How? I should make you anything but stable!" She cries out the words, hands clenched and shaking.

"You think I know? If I knew why you'd be gone! Long gone! If I knew why I cling to you, then I'd find something slightly less destructive and painful to cling to!" I start to shake with suppressed emotion, and I clench my fists until my nails dig deep into the flesh of my palms. The pain grounds me, and I keep talking. "You are a part of me I wish I could truly want to disappear. You're right. I don't want you gone. The only reason is that if you were gone, there are so many things that are so much worse than you that could fill the void you would leave. You're the best of the worst. That's the only reason..."