Club Overpass | Ryden/Brallon

Hesitations and Love | Chapter Seven

He's not sure where he stands anymore. It's not a tug of war; it's more like a headache that won't go away. Though it seems like he's in the middle, it's more like Ryan being alone on an island while he treads closer and closer to Dallon.

He doesn't want feelings. Love is so complicated, and he knows this clearer than most do. Love is letting someone else be more important than you, and when you're so used to being alone like Brendon is, it seems impossible. How can you allow someone to have that much power over you?

And if he is falling for Dallon, how is he going to be able to continue with Ryan?

But maybe he isn't. Maybe being close with him just makes him feel like it. He's sure if he gets close to Ryan, he might even be convinced he loves Ryan.

Brendon is still confused by the whole mess of it all, so he ignores it. It's easy for him to distract himself when his time is occupied by Club Overpass, Ryan, and Dallon.

The club's atmosphere has changed over time. The anticipation he used to feel is substituted to a feeling of dread, because although he had seemed confident about not caring, he still worries about being beaten by Gerard for the title of most popular. Stripping may not be a profession to be proud of, but it beats selling himself. That's what being with Ryan would be like.

The idea of being pampered was strange. Sure, it seemed nice, but Brendon would feel uncomfortable with it, because stripping is what he knows. Being paid for company sounds too much like prostitution, and he had never liked the idea of it.

For a while, he balances work and two men. Ryan takes him out more, and becomes less of an asshole. He's less demanding, but still makes his feelings known.

Things with Dallon were great as well, if he pretends. As time passes, he can tell Dallon is getting tired of just having him for a short time. Brendon knows the arrangement would hurt him, but he couldn't really stop it either. But he can't stand the way he looks sometimes, with that sad, almost heartbroken look in his eyes.

He has to make a decision soon, but for now, he allows Ryan to keep wooing him.

---

They are on another date the next night. Ryan has an antsy look in his eyes. "What is it?" he asked.

"Can I kiss you?" Ryan asked nervously, biting his lower lip. It was cute to see him nervous, and not so demanding. If he just went for the kiss without asking, Brendon probably would've smacked him.

"Yeah," Brendon replied, knowing his part. The next thing he knew, he felt Ryan's lips press on his. It feels different compared to when Dallon kisses him.

Dallon kisses him passionately, but there's always the undertone of sadness. The "I can't have you, but this is what I'll take" kind of sadness.

Ryan doesn't have to deal with that, because he really doesn't know anything else is going on. He kisses Brendon carefully, like he's scared of messing up.

Brendon pulled away first, looking at him. Ryan still hadn't opened his eyes, but he knew how he would look. A blissful expression would be on his face, and there might just be a smirk. Because he thinks he proved Brendon wrong, but not really. He's just indulging him.

And then he does open his eyes. There is no smirk on his face, but he definitely looked happy. "That was so..." Ryan trailed off.

"So amazing?" Brendon raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, probably."

Ryan chuckled, hitting him playfully. "So you're the one with the ego, hm?"

Brendon laughed along with him, relaxing. He didn't think about the problem he's going through, or the fact that he has to choose.

Ryan pulled him in for another kiss, wrapping his arms around his waist. His own go around Ryan's shoulders. The only thing that could possibly ruin this moment is Brendon's intentions.

Wouldn't it be better for the both of them if he just tells Ryan? That way, Ryan could move on, and he would stop feeling so guilty. He pretended like Dallon wasn't part of the equation, but he had been the primary reason why he even debated telling Ryan his nefarious plan.

When Ryan pushed away, and Brendon is looking at him again, he can't do it. The words don't fall from his mouth, because as he looked at him, he realized that Ryan was glowing. If he didn't know any better, he would say he is Ryan's only happiness.

Though it seemed farfetched, it also seemed true. He didn't want to crush him, ultimately didn't want to hurt him. His plan was designed to break his heart, but Brendon realized he doesn't really feel joy from doing that. He remembered the way he's breaking Dallon's heart right now, and it's not a pretty sight.

Knowing your own actions led to someone being so devastated is torturous. He doesn't want to see Ryan like that, see his face fall or his playful lips even form a frown. So, he doesn't tell Ryan about his plan, but also doesn't know if he's still continuing with it.

After he left, he decided he needed clarity. It probably wouldn't make sense to anyone else, but he needed to know if his affections have changed. He had sworn to himself that he hated Ryan, that he was a scumbag desperate for whatever Brendon had to give him. He thought Ryan had his own malicious plans, but that just wasn't true.

He knocked on his apartment door, watching as Dallon answered, rubbing his eyes gently. Brendon's so happy to see him, like his heart is going to burst. "Bren?" Dallon asked.

Brendon doesn't waste time. He pulled Dallon closer to him and kissed him, hoping that it still made him feel the same thing.

He can tell Dallon's hesitant, probably because he has no idea what he's up to, but he'll deal with that later. The kiss is full to the brim with affection, and Brendon knows it now. He knows how he feels. He knows that kissing him isn't only good for having fun.

Dallon pushed him away slightly, an upset look on his face. "Why do you keep playing with me?" he sighed. "It's not fun anymore."

He wanted to remedy this, wanted to make him happy again. Heartbreak didn't look good on him. "I love you," he said, and it wasn't a lie.

Dallon flinched, stepping back. He looked horrified. "I didn't think you would stoop that low," he muttered.

He's confused by that, but then realizes Dallon thinks he really is messing with him. "No," Brendon replied, shaking his head. "I mean it, I swear. I wouldn't tell you that if I didn't mean it."

Dallon doesn't look completely convinced. "Can I think about this in the morning?" he asked. "It's really late."

Brendon nodded, smiling. "Of course. Good night, Dal." For a second, he hesitated, before adding, "I love you."

Dallon smiled slightly. "I love you too, Bren. You know I do."

And then he goes back inside, leaving Brendon on his doorstep. Brendon is excited, because he's got everything figured out.