highschool

anxiety

Anxiety, describing anxiety is hard. The word itself means so many things and is just so complicated. And how it impacts me? I don't even know the answer to that.

Anxiety makes me feel anxious. That's the obvious answer. But to go more in depth with that I have my good days, my bad days, and my really bad days. On good days it would just be a little reminder in the back of my head telling me all the things I need to get done. On bad days it would be a sensation of guilt in my stomach of everything I need to do and all the things that are coming up and me criticizing myself becuase I didn't get started on next Friday's homework and not letting myself finish the episode because I have to start studying for the test that hasn't even been confirmed.

And on really bad days, my palms are sweating. Knees weak, arms are heavy. Every single part of my body is on edge, brain working over time overthinking every little detail. I get the sense that I'm alone and that depresses me, but crowds are too loud and they make me want to clamp my ears together and lock my self in the bathroom stall. The clocks slow down and a one hour class or a ten minute conversations drags on to what seems like eternity. Suddenly letting go of my backpack is like an end of the world situation. Getting called upon by the teacher would result in stuttering and utter humiliation. The lunchroom is hell. I just need piece and quiet. The slightest touch would make me jump and flinch and people giving me attention and asking me if I'm all right would make me feel uncomfortable. I wouldn't want to bother them with my problems, so I would just automatically say yes. Not even giving it much consideration I would just assume they wouldn't want to get caught up in all my problems and that they wouldn't even care. And yeah I don't want sympathy or a pity party. I know this is a battle that I have to fight and that I have to do it solo. After all, how could someone help me with what was going on in my head?

And panic attacks. I shudder at the thought. Not really an expert in the field, but know the feeling all to well. When triggered and anxious enough my sweat glands would go over drive and it would be as if I had just washed my hands. The inside of my head would be so loud I would have to cover my ears. Rock back and forth trying to calm myself down. Being unable to sit still and constantly changing my position trying to act like nothing was wrong and praying to God no one saw me. Fighting back tears more and more every second and feeling as if a tsunami was going to erupt from within . The constant need of air, water, space, and time alone and every other thing that could possibly get my  hands on, but how could I  do all that when I was trapped behind a desk in my  5th hour class listening to a somewhat interesting lecture. My breath grew more shallow and I tried to breathe calmly, but my mind and body were obviously not on the same page. My eyes began to glisten with tears as I asked the teacher for a bathroom pass. I knew what had triggered this attack but I didn't know why. It wasn't a big thing, but it felt like one. I felt like I zero to no control over anyone or anything. I felt powerless, and that made me anxious and insecure. I wanted to feel like I could do something, that I could accomplish something and I wanted to feel like my voice mattered. So when these people said things to intentionally put me down or contradict what I was  preaching, it hit a trigger point. It hurt more than they thought it would. And what would I say to them if they were reading this? I would tell them to be nice to all, for everyone is fighting a battle within.

And spirals. That's what I call them at least. Those little endless circles of doubt. Thoughts and ideas circling around in my head and in my brain going through every thing and coming up with every possible scenario on why I was wrong, why that was cringy, and why it wouldn't work out. Spirals of embarrassing moments playing back in my head in slow motion. Spirals of negativity. And how'd I break through? I cried. I cried in the shower and I cried to myself because God forbid any else seeing me cry. It made me feel weak and I looked down on crying in general so when I did it I felt twice the emotion if that makes sense.

Anxiety is tough and anxiety is hard. Sometimes it makes me feel insecure and at other times it makes me feel worthless. It's a hard battle to go through alone and is hard to open up about. I would gladly tell someone, but theirs no one to tell. No one to take me seriously and no one to care. I feel as if I have so many friends and so many siblings, but in reality I have no one to confide in. Not a single person on the face of the earth that I can trust enough to not screen shot or use my secrets against me. And sure I open up to different people about different things by theirs no one that really knows everything. It's as if I distribute all my information among people because having anxiety also means having trust issues. Having anxiety means quadruple checking to see if my phone is in my back pack and hurrying up in the bathroom thinking I'm late for class when I'm subconsciously aware that I have another 5 minutes before the bell rings. Anxiety is stressful and anxiety is hard to control. But as much as I hate to admit it, I have anxiety and anxiety plays a big part in my personality and theirs nothing I can do to change that. I just have to come to terms with it and accept it. I have to embrace it and try to learn how to control it and I have to try and get better. And I know it's hard and I know it'll take time, but in the end I know everything will be just fine❤️❤️