Why does my whole life revolve around this kid? This kid that I maybe have a crush on and is my so-called boyfriend? Why is it that when he's sad I'm sad and when he's mad I'm depressed? That I only smile when he tells me I'm cute and that I only count the day to be worthwhile when he compliments me as I pass him in the halls? Why can't I be self-assured and confident in who am? Why are my feelings connected with his and why do I have to care when he's not in the mood to talk with me? Why does it take such a huge toll on me when he doesn't want to FaceTime?
Why is my happiness measured by how many girls are going on about me and him and squealing over our ship name? Why do I want their attention and why do I seek validation for something that maybe isn't even real? Am I pretending to like him for popularity or do I actually have a crush?
Why is my day dependent on how he acts towards me and why do his emotions influence mine on such a personal level? Is this what all dating feels like or is this fake? Are we just friends or something more? Why do I smile so hard when he calls me pet names and cringe to myself when he leaves me on read?
Why did I tell my friends about us, it was more fun when it was low key. Why doesn't he wanna FaceTime? Do I look ugly? Why am I suddenly so self-conscious and why am I getting more attention from my peers? What should I wear to school tomorrow and how should I act? Why does he have the ability to mess with my head at such a level? Why can't I muster up the courage to talk with him at school, but am bursting with energy when I'm behind a screen?
Why do I call him my boyfriend when I talk to every boy in our class way more than I talk to him? Why doesn't he come sit by me at school? Why is our relationship mostly online and why do I care so much about him? Why is he taking up so much space in my head and why does nothing else matter?
What does dating mean and why am I so bad at it? Why do I have so many questions that don't have set answers? Why are my friends suddenly so interested in me and why didn't they care this much about me before? Why am I depressed and not have the drive to do homework like I used to? Why am I being added to so many group chats and having so many people call me?
This is such new territory I don't know what to do or where to go. What if I mess up? Why is he mad at me and why isn't she talking to me? Why do social pressures impact me so heavily and why am I so anxious? Why am I having so many bad thoughts and why am I having so many embarrassing moments? Why do I feel shitty when I had a good day? Why do I feel so alone when I have so many friends? Why am I watching a show I don't even enjoy just to fit in? Why do I care so much about everything and why did I stop writing my diary? Why did I stop making my schedules and why do I feel like skipping school when it's going so well? Why am I so tired and overwhelmed when it's only the first quarter? Why does my homework not matter as much as my older sisters and why do I have to do so many chores around the house?
Why do I feel like cutting people off that I have nothing against? Why am I trying to keep up the facade that I'm a nice person when we all know I'm a petty bitch inside? Why is it getting harder and harder for me to maintain my connection with God and why am I not praying as much as I used to? Why am I depressed and why am I anxious? Why do I always stand outside 10 minutes before the bus comes knowing fully well it won't come anytime soon? Why am I such a people pleaser and why can't I just focus on my damn self? Why do I always let the behaviors of others destroy my inner peace and why do I have nothing to do other than go to school and go home? Why do I have the parents I have and why do I have such a hard life? Why am I questioning my existence and why do I not appreciate the people that care about me? Why do I cuss at myself when I do something stupid and why do I self-criticize? Why do I beat myself up over things I can't control and why do I compliment people on things I don't even like about them? Why am I like this and what is wrong with me? How do I fix this and if I were, where would I even begin...
A/N: fr tho leave advice in the comments 😭😭💖
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highschool
Poetryshe will fail she will cry. she will get up and she will try. she knows it's hard she knows it'll take time but in the end everything will be just fine.☺️ 10k-->5/14/19
