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With Jimin resting on my lap, I didn't know where to put my hands and I awkwardly held them mid air.
Honestly, what is up with him? I mean I get it he is touchy and emotional because of flu and fever... and maybe even because of Eunsoo... but this is way too much. To a woman he didn't even like to look at, he's lying in her lap.
He's not bipolar. He's crazy.
I should be careful... he may kill me.
But my thoughts were interrupted when he said, "And I'll tell you why I'm acting strange."
What?
My hands fell to my lap, on his head.
SHIIIIIT.
"I'M SO SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN TO HIT YOU, I WAS JUST SHOCKED-," I screamed in defense.
"Keep your fingers in my hair," was all he said.
And so, sighing because his illness made him not smack me in the face, I moved my fingers through his hair.
It was a weird sensation - his hair was thick and silky and I liked brushing my fingers through them.
There was silence for a while and then a soft voice left Jimin, "I'm only telling you this because I know you won't run off and blackmail me with it - you cherish your life."
And I rolled my eyes because it was dark and he couldn't see me.
"When I was about 8 or 9... I remember falling sick. I had fever and I could barely sit right. There were servants all around me," he paused.
"But none would... console me. I remember asking them to call my mother but they said she was too busy, or that she would get sick too if she came to my room. I just wanted someone to help me go to sleep," his voice was full of sadness.
"My mom finally took some time out to see me, but she left as soon as I asked her to sleep next to me. Big boys should be brave enough to sleep alone," he snickered.
My heart was clenching with every word he said.
"So I ended up begging the servants... which made my parents lock me up as a punishment. Just because I was sick..."
Tears had already started streaming down my face.
"I cried through the night.. I had nightmares and thought everybody left me because no body came."
As if on instinct, my fingers slowed down... trying to convey my sympathy.
"I guess this is why I was scared you would leave me here since I wasn't strong enough to force you to stay..."
And that was it, flood works opened.
"But you came back- are you crying?," he suddenly said and I quickly wiped my tears.
"N-no!," I said through a thick voice, laden with unshed tears.
Suddenly, Jimin got up and turned on the light. I quickly tried to hide my face.
But then on his cheek... I saw, was a lone streak of tear. My tear.
But he didn't look angry. Instead, his tired eyes had... awe.
"Why would you cry for someone you don't even know?," he asked this absurd question with such innocence that it broke my heart.
How damaged was he to not even know basic human feelings?
"Nothing. The main point is: I'm not going anywhere. I'm sorry about what happened, but I promise you - I'll never leave your side - as long as you don't want me to."
"Because you have nowhere to go?"
"Because I think this is where I'm supposed to be. Now go to sleep without worrying about me taking off."
"I still want to sleep on your lap," he said and I smiled. To me, it was like fulfilling 9 year old Jimin's wish for intimacy.
I settled and rested my back with the headboard and softly played with his hair as I felt him drift off to sleep.
There was one thing I never thought I'd feel. That was relate to Jimin. Until today.
What he didn't know... was that I too, grew up craving affection from someone - anyone.
My mind started to wander off into the dark memories of my childhood but I shook the thoughts away.
I couldn't afford to go into depression. Not yet.
I looked at Jimin sleeping peacefully in my lap and felt a surge of emotions that made me want to shower him with all the love he had missed out on...
I didn't know why I was feeling this way for a person who hated me, who I feared.
Maybe it was because he was sick..
Or maybe I pitied him...
Or maybe... I wanted to be there for him because nobody was there for me.
And with that, I planted a soft kiss to his forehead- a kiss to the 9 year old Jimin sleeping in my lap.
