WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE CAST ? :)
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I'm so confused, so drowned in my own thoughts and feels and in my own self. I can never understand life anymore.
I can't believe Justin passed away, he can't, like how ? When ? Where ? Why ?
I know why, its me, its all my fault. I always seem to be the fault of all bad acts or harm people do.
I feel so crushed and sad, i never meant to hurt him, i just didn't love him, i couldn't. Like a person can't force himself to love someone, i tried, more than anything, especially after him caring so much about me and after doing everything he did for me.
I have driven the only guy that cared about me and loved me crazily more than himself away, i killed him indeed, it will always be my fault, but i can't help not having feelings for him. Every time i look at Jessie i just know that he was like my brother, thats why i cared about him but love, love is so different, love is another thing. And i never stop feeling it with her. My need to be with her, my fears of losing her and my anticipation to stay by her side my whole life.
I always seem to lose people who care about me, my mom, Justin. It sounds pathetic that only two people actually cared about me this whole time and of course Jessie who i don't consider cares about me, we are waaayyy over that stage of relationship now, i guess. I'm in love her with every little tiny inch of my body and i will never be able to deny it from now on
"Are you okay?" Jess sat on the bed next to me slowly
"No" tears started to pour out of my eyes again, it seems like i was emptying my body from water through my eyes. I couldn't stop. Just the thought of him crashed me, and now knowing that he Died because of me, i will never be able to forgive myself for what i did to him. Ashley was right, i ruined their lives. I seem to ruin everything i touch and its getting out of control. I tore their family apart, and i deprived her mother from her own boy. Im such a monster who never deserves to live.
But i can't go because it would mean hurting her, and i just can't do that. Because i felt what is it like to be losing her for once and i would never what to feel it again. Justin's death will be my wake up call, hopefully, after i get over it. I don't think i can.
"Anna, you've been curled up in bed for two weeks crying"
"Exactly"
"What?"
"Jess, i think its still too early to move on"
"Then don't"
"What do you mean" i sat in the bed
"You don't have to forget about Justin, i know you can't. But life goes on and you have to continue living not just frame yourself at this moment and stop"
"But it was all my fault" it seemed like i had tons and tons of tears to waste
"Its not, sweetheart, its not" she came closer and wrapped her arms around me and i curled in her chest for comfort
"He loved me... And i let him down... He gave me everything... But i gave up on him" i was sobbing by now
"Ain't i worth it" jess said
"Of course you are. Of course Jess, you are worth everything but its just like, its not his fault, why did he have to pay his life because of our love"
"Neither is yours"
"It is. It is my fault. Everything"
"Do you regret this, do you ever regret choosing me?" She said holding my hand, i was taken aback by her question. I never want her to think like that
