I pushed around the food on my dinner plate that my mom made.
It was just me & her in the house, so no one else could distract her. She had all her focus on me. And only me.
Today she made fries and chicken. It used to be my favorite when I was little, but not anymore. I always think about the innocent little girl I used to be. But she's dead and gone.
"Abyss, why aren't you eating?" She asked.
"Just not hungry," I lied, "I ate a big lunch at school today. Do you mind if we save it for later when I'm hungry?"
"Sure honey, whatever you want." She said.
"Okay thanks." I said. I put the dish in the fridge & made my way back to my room. I should start my homework but I couldn't get over my mom.
I love her, But she's just so small minded.
So oblivious to what's happening to her daughter right in front of her.
So clueless.
But she can't know my secret, she'll be so upset & disappointed. I don't think I can handle hurting her like that.
My mom isn't perfect either. She is an alcoholic & she takes pills sometimes to get high. But she escapes reality that way, I guess it must be nice. I don't drink much, I sometimes take her vodka & put it in a water bottle & take it to school. that's the only way I can get through the day.
I wouldn't call myself an alcoholic, I just like to escape reality just as much as anyone else does.
Drinking is her addiction, & starving is mine. It gives you that high that drugs can.
But mines a secret, that no one can know. I sometimes even doubt I have any eating disorder sometimes.
Some days I eat like a cow I am, then other days I fast. When I fast I feel in power, but when I eat I feel like I gave in, like a weak cow.
But that's the struggle of being me.
That's the constant battle in my head. Whether I should eat or not, how many calories it is, & so on.
I don't see myself ever getting better, but then again, I don't think I want to.
